Thanks so much for your question. I know that many parents and guardians are stuggling with similar situations, and I think that they will benefit greatly from your post, knowing that there are others in the same situation.

My first impression when reading your post is that your step-daughter is struggling with attachment issues fairly typical of a child in her situation. I have included a few links below to articles on attachment as reference. Essentially, attachment is the bond between a child and their primary caregiver(s) that begins early in development. It is considered the "foundation" for a child's sense of safety, comfort, and emotional regulation across time. Children who are securely attached to their primary caregiver are confident that they will be taken care of, their caregiver will always be there for them, and that they are loved and secure in this world.

Children who experience a "rupture" in their bond with their primary caregiver, and who are insecurely attached have a generally "shakey" experience of the world. Some experts suggest that one of the primary developmental tasks of childhood is to "answer" the questions, "Am I loved? Can I count on people? Is the world a safe place?" Unfortunately, a child who is insecurely attached concludes, "No, I'm not loved. I can't count on anyone. This world is not safe for me." And, as a result, they will display symptoms of anxiety, sadness, and acting out.

Now, I mention this because a child has a greater chance of experiencing difficulties in their attachment relationship when there is neglect, abandonment, or abuse in their history. Unfortunately, you step-daughter has this kind of history and my guess is that she is on very shakey ground in terms of her sense of attachment with others. This most likely drives her separation anxiety, emotional dysregulation (anger, tantrums), and regression (playing with toys for children much younger).

If her birth mother is struggling as much as you suggest, I imagine that it is a very confusing situation for her. In addition to her past, she must still contend with difficulties arising from her visits with her mother. I can't really comment on the visitation schedule because I haven't been a part of evaluation, but I can say that this dear girl needs consistency. She needs consistency to help calm her and reassure her that her needs can be met (I'm not suggesting that you can't meet her needs. These types of feelings come from a very primitive part of the brain that doesn't necessarily answer to logic). Thus, you may tell her over and over and over again that you love her, will be there for her and can be counted on, but she has so much chaos in her history, it will be hard for her to really "believe" it deep down.

So, what to do? The answer is that you need to batton down the hatches and hang on. Set up very firm, clear, but loving rules in the house (morning and evening routines, family meals, expectations for behavior, consequences, etc) and stick to them. Know that she is going to writhe against them and test you. She is constantly testing you because she isn't really confident that you will hang in there. She thinks that you will abandon her just like everyone else. So, you need to hang in there. Love her, reassure her, but don't let her get away with anything. She will draw peace and contentment from the structure and the consistency in the home. Just know that this process will take time. It has taken many, many years to form her theories about the world. You need to help "undo" them and help her to trust again. New, positive attachment relationships can be formed, but only over time.

Good luck and keep up the good work. Your step-daughter is very lucky to have you in her life!


Warm regards,

Laura Kauffman, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
Education.com JustAsk Expert
http://www.drlaurakauffman.com/