I am so glad that you wrote to www.education.com with your parenting dilemma.  Working with a 4 year old who does not accept your authority can make you feel crazy at times.  

While I know that it seems difficult, please know that you are doing the right thing by trying to discipline your son when he does not listen to you or when he throws a fit when he doesn’t get his way.  As parents it is very important to draw clear cut lines between acceptable and unacceptable behavior for our children.

Sometimes it is best to start with a clean slate.  Before another tantrum can occur, make certain to teach your son your expectations.  We usually encourage parents to break following directions down into easy steps.  For instance, teach your son that when you ask him to do something, he needs to look at you, respond by saying okay and then to do what you have asked right away.  Keep your instructions short and simple.  Practice this response a couple of times a day and identify it as practice so that he is able to experience success.  Set up easy tasks that he can do right then and there.  For instance you could tell him that you were going to have him practice following directions.  Then ask him to hand you one of his toys.  If he follows the steps that you have outlined for him, heap on the praise.  This is the time for hugs and kisses, high 5’s, smiles and “good job” compliments.  It is also not unreasonable to give him a small candy piece like an M&M each time he completes the practice correctly.

Spending time practicing with your child will increase the chances that he will behave appropriately in real situations.  You must make behavior practices upbeat and fun though for this approach to work.

It is also a good idea to prompt your child that a real instruction is coming.  Instead of asking him to pick up his toys, you may want to say something like, “In 5 minutes, I will be asking you to pick up your toys.  Don’t forget how to follow directions.”   Then after a couple of minutes you can say “In 2 minutes, I am going to ask you to pick up your toys.  Be ready!”  Then you can ask him to follow your directions to clean up.  

If you have repeatedly practiced, he will be much more likely to comply.

When a child acts out it is important to discipline him as soon as possible so that there is a direct connection between the misbehavior and the consequence.  While sending him to his room might seem like a punishment it may actually have the opposite effect.  It sounds like his behavior becomes more intense when he is sent to his room and rather than dealing with the original misbehavior you are now addressing his verbal aggression as well.  Perhaps it would help to find some additional consequences that would be related to the misbehavior.  For instance when your son is verbally aggressive, he would need to sit quietly where he is at and then say that he is sorry before he can go back to playtime.

Keep your wits about you when you are teaching with your son.  If you became angry and tense, he will do the same.  If you stay relaxed and calm, it is much more likely that your son will mimic this behavior as well.

Please know that if you have additional questions, you can call the Boys Town National Hotline at 1-800-448-3000.  Trained counselors are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to assist you with parenting questions or just provide a listening ear for support.

You are doing the right thing by looking for ways to deal with your son’s behavior.  If you are interested in learning more about our methods, please feel free to check out www.parenting.org, a website sponsored by the Boys Town organization.  

Again, parenting a 4 year old child is hard work.  Please continue to reach out to find the help that you need to be successful.  

Thanks again for writing to www.education.com with your story.