Dear MommyC:

You have tried everything! Or, almost! I have an approach, called "Parenting by Connection," that might work, because it's based on a different idea than timeouts, reasoning, commending him, reward charts, consequences, spanking...all that. All those other interventions are based on the idea that parenting is a lot like teaching a dog--you offer rewards and praise for "good" behavior, and consequences or punishments for "bad" behavior, and the child is supposed to learn from the guidance of your positive and negative responses. But this works in only a very limited way with children, because they are so much more complex than the animals that this approach, behaviorism, was developed with.

Try out the idea that he's sweet and good and cooperative and creative when he feels close and connected to you, because that feeling of connection and safety is just what his young brain needs. Children need to be surrounded with the nonverbal signals that signal that the parent is connecting with them: eye contact, warm tone in our voices, and a generous and respectful attitude toward them. Their minds are exquisitely tuned to pick up on our signals that we like and respect them, and that we are feeling good about our lives and safe in our world. These signals from us are the way they gain a sense of safety in a world in which they are completely, utterly dependent on us and the safety we provide. Their brains HAVE to get the message that we're OK, and they're OK, so they can think properly, make good choices, and be flexible and cooperative.

So when he's not feeling close to you, his mind shuts down, and he just can't think! He can't think! He can't choose to try a new food. He can't put on his socks. He can't wait for a toy when someone else has it. It's not that he's stubborn or manipulative or "bad," it's that his mind is jammed with bad feelings, because he's lost his sense of safety and warmth. And without it, he feels out of kilter, from the inside out.

In order to get his mind back in working order, he needs some time and attention from you. When he's crying and having a big tantrum, he's using a natural emotional release process that's designed to rid his mind of those bad feelings he got from having felt disconnected. He's actually recovering his ability to feel close and safe, and to think well, while he cries and tantrums! He's been smart all along to try to get those feelings out of his system. But you didn't know that this was OK. Very few parents know this yet.

So try what we call Staylistening. When he's beginning an upset, move close. Offer to hold him, and keep him from hurting you by gently keeping his hands and feet from clawing or kicking. Let him do his big emotional upset in your arms or standing next to you with your arm around him. He will work through the big bad feelings that are caught in his system, and when he's finished (expect it to take from 15 minutes to close to an hour!), he'll feel close to you, calm, happy, and ready to cooperate. He may even try new things (don't expect miracles with his food tastes, though), and he'll be very glad to be with you. It's quite something to guide a child through their big feelings, and to be WITH them, instead of fighting them every moment! And the results are really good if you can hang in there until he is finished.

We have other "Listening Tools" that we teach, that I don't have room here to describe. You can get our booklets, "Listening to Children," at the website below, or read any one of about 60 free articles there.

One more note: I find that often, children who are picky eaters are children who had some kind of difficult birth, illness or prematurity at birth or early in their lives, or some other frightening thing happen to them. For some reason, the fear they carry from that early experience results in not liking lots of foods. And your son's frequent very emotional episodes indicate the same thing: something has frightened him, and now makes him vulnerable to feeling very big frightening feelings that are tripped by very small triggers.

I'll add a parent success story below that will give you an idea about how Staylistening works.

Good for you for reaching out for help--it's so smart of you to do!

Yours,

Patty Wipfler