Dear Luny,

A child who has been through hard times needs the caring attention of an adult like you to bring back his confidence. Studies have shown that if just one person in a child's life is consistently supportive, that child is much more likely to overcome difficult circumstances. What he needs most is one person, like you, who lights up when he walks into the room.

A careful, regular dose of your caring attention will give this child what he needs to start the process of rebuilding his spirits. To give him this Special Time, you choose a period of time, short or long, whatever you can carve from your day or week, even as little as five minutes a day can be helpful. You tell the child when that time is going to be, maybe something like, “Hey, tomorrow I'm going to have a half hour after dinner, and we can do whatever you want to do! Think about it, and we'll make it a date!”

Then, when the time comes, you set a timer and enthusiastically go with whatever activity your child chooses. Jumping on beds, building a fort in the living room, making pancakes, going outside and playing catch. Whatever they've chosen, you love them, make lots of eye contact, smile, touch them affectionately, and energetically throw yourself into the play.

Your timer is very important here. Don't let anything short of an earthquake interrupt your focus on your child. When the timer goes off, let your child know you loved being with him, and let him know when the next Special Time will be.

A child who has suffered in an abusive environment is going to carry a lot of built up feelings about the situations that were hard. As you warm up your relationship with Special Time, he will be able to share these difficult feelings with you. Our article attached on "Empowering Your Child" will help prepare you for the times when these old feelings are ready to come out into the open. This healing process can sometimes be loud or messy, but the child instinctively knows how to let go of the old emotions once he can feel that the new environment is safe, accepting and able to welcome him, feelings and all.

Be sure to get support for yourself as you help this child heal. The third link on the list below shows you the many ways you can connect with other caring parents to share your own journey and find support for this wonderful work.

Healing is ready to happen as soon as someone pays caring attention to this child. He is very lucky to have you there to be that someone.

We'll look forward to hearing how it goes with the two of you,

Juli
Julianne Idleman
Hand in Hand Parenting
www.handinhandparenting.org