My husband wants to call it quits after 4 months of a blended family marriage...how can he spend time with everyone without feeling guilty?

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Wendydarlin... asks:

My husband and I recently married 4 months ago. His sons are 9 and 12 and live here 3-4 days a week. My daughter is 11 and lives here full time except for visitation 2 weekends a month. My 15 yr old son lives with his dad and visits the same weekends all our kids are here. My husband has an obsessive relationship with his kids....always wants to put them first. We have been having the same argument since I moved in....he wants to devote all his time to the kids when they are here and thinks I should suck it up and deal with it and that the other 3 days should be enough time for me to spend with him. His kids plays sports and he is at practice most nights of the week and games on the weekends. I am not working right now and spend my days alone in the house and want some attention at night from him. I understand him spending time with the kids after work and have asked him to just compromise with me and spend a half an hour at night unwinding from the day and having adult time. He wont budge! I am his wife every day wether the kids are here or not and feel like a stranger in my own home. He even tells me constantly the kids come first which over time has caused me to resent his kids and be absolutely miserable when they come here. The kids dont have alot of discipline or rules here. They call the shots all the time. Now my husband wants a divorce....help!

In Topics: Blended families

> 60 days ago

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ShirleyCres... , Teacher, Child Professional, Parent writes:

Hi Wendy,
I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Blended families are difficult, and it's difficult, at times to figure out what to do to make it work.

I see several issues:
-Your marriage is not taking priority.
-There needs to be a balance, everyday, no matter, who is in the house (or visiting)- a balance of couple time, family time, and also dedicated biological parent/kid time. All of these are O.K.- as long as there is a balance.
-Also, since you moved into his home, I didn't hear that you and your new husband created your own house rules, to signify the changes in the adults in the home. When a new adult moves in, it's time to re-establish your house guidelines and expectations.

I recommend you checking out The Blended and Step Family Survival Kit. This kit also includes a $50 off coupon for blended family coaching.
Your marriage is worth saving- and the holidays are coming, it's a rotten time to put your family through another transition.

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Blended and Step Family Expert
http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com

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get2mama writes:

Hi Wendydarling212 , Hey girl I am having a similar situation but mine is diffrent in some ways My husband Is wierd and I have had some arguments with him that any day know we probably be getting a divorce here any day know he is somwhat controling and to bosy he was never like that when we first met we have been married for 17 years know and know i don't know what to do . we have 4 kids and they are very bright kids and smart to .

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Loddie1 , Parent writes:

Sounds like a communication problem. I would seek out a Christian counselor. I think there needs to be prayer and counseling involved here. You are really fighting a tough battle on the blended family issue. I know it is tough to compromise but that is what marriage is ultimately about as long as you don't let go of morals and values. Have a talk with your priest or pastor and request some kind of meeting to help the two of you break this barrier.

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shopgirl11 writes:

Wendy,

I am sorry to hear all that you are going through at this time. I have a step son from a previous marriage and at times this alone can be difficult. It sounds like you and your husband first need to be on the same page with discipline. I have talked to my husband about this same issue. It seems like we both have different standards when it comes to this. I have told my husband that our parenting styles has actually caused a rift in the relationship and we are working on it at this time.

I think counseling is the best way to work through this. This would set aside time for both you and your husband to work through the problems. If he is willing to go that shows that he really wants this to work. Maybe if you bring up this idea he will see that you want to make this work as well. My husband and I are going to look into a similar idea as well. It seems that we are hitting some rough patches and I have a hard time dealing with it on my own.
I wish you the best of luck. I will pray that every thing works out for the best! Hope you get the quality time that you deserve with your husband free from kids for a while.

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swallowespa... writes:

I'm so sorry to hear this, I too am having some dificulties in my marriage. We have a 13 year old daughter and a 12 year old son. She is my biological child and he is his. We have only been married for 4 months. I am discovering that my husband is quite selfish. He is a very active musician and that comes first in his life. I have tried to get him to understand that he needs to prioritize his time better so that we have alone time and family time but he is unwilling to make less time for his music. I never asked him to give it up but to understand that, being in a marriage means balancing your time. Most of the time I am alone, the kids are at an age where peers are more important and they have plenty of activities. I was a single parent for all of my daughters life until now (13 years) and I feel just as much alone now as I did then. My husband thinks that my thoughts are unreasonable. What do you think?

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