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Wendydarling212
Wendydarlin... asks:
Q:

My husband wants to call it quits after 4 months of a blended family marriage...how can he spend time with everyone without feeling guilty?

My husband and I recently married 4 months ago.  His sons are 9 and 12 and live here 3-4 days a week. My daughter is 11 and lives here full time except for visitation 2 weekends a month. My 15 yr old son lives with his dad and visits the same weekends all our kids are here. My husband has an obsessive relationship with his kids....always wants to put them first. We have been having the same argument since I moved in....he wants to devote all his time to the kids when they are here and thinks I should suck it up and deal with it and that the other 3 days should be enough time for me to spend with him.  His kids plays sports and he is at practice most nights of the week and games on the weekends.  I am not working right now and spend my days alone in the house and want some attention at night from him.  I understand him spending time with the kids after work and have asked him to just compromise with me and spend a half an hour at night unwinding from the day and having adult time.  He wont budge!  I am his wife every day wether the kids are here or not and feel like a stranger in my own home.  He even tells me constantly the kids come first which over time has caused me to resent his kids and be absolutely miserable when they come here.  The kids dont have alot of discipline or rules here. They call the shots all the time. Now my husband wants a divorce....help!
In Topics: Blended families
> 60 days ago

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ShirleyCressDudley
ShirleyCres... , Teacher, Child Professional, Parent writes:
Hi Wendy,
I'm sorry you're having such a tough time.  Blended families are difficult, and it's difficult, at times to figure out what to do to make it work.

I see several issues:
-Your marriage is not taking priority.
-There needs to be a balance, everyday, no matter, who is in the house (or visiting)- a balance of couple time, family time, and also dedicated biological parent/kid time.  All of these are O.K.- as long as there is a balance.
-Also, since you moved into his home, I didn't hear that you and your new husband created your own house rules, to signify the changes in the adults in the home.  When a new adult moves in, it's time to re-establish your house guidelines and expectations.

I recommend you checking out The Blended and Step Family Survival Kit.  This kit also includes a $50 off coupon for blended family coaching.
Your marriage is worth saving- and the holidays are coming, it's a rotten time to put your family through another transition.

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Blended and Step Family Expert
http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com
> 60 days ago

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get2mama
get2mama writes:
Hi Wendydarling212 ,  Hey girl I am having a similar situation but mine is diffrent in some ways My husband Is wierd and I have had some arguments with him that any day know we probably be getting a divorce here any day know he is somwhat controling and to bosy he was never like that when we first met we have been married for 17 years know and know i don't know what to do .  we have 4 kids and they are very bright kids and smart to .
> 60 days ago

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Loddie1
Loddie1 , Parent writes:
Sounds like a communication problem. I would seek out a Christian counselor. I think there needs to be prayer and counseling involved here. You are really fighting a tough battle on the blended family issue. I know it is tough to compromise but that is what marriage is ultimately about as long as you don't let go of morals and values. Have a talk with your priest or pastor and request some kind of meeting to help the two of you break this barrier.
> 60 days ago

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shopgirl11
shopgirl11 writes:
Wendy,

I am sorry to hear all that you are going through at this time. I have a step son from a previous marriage and at times this alone can be difficult. It sounds like you and your husband first need to be on the same page with discipline. I have talked to my husband about this same issue. It seems like we both have different standards when it comes to this. I have told my husband that our parenting styles has actually caused a rift in the relationship and we are working on it at this time.

I think counseling is the best way to work through this. This would set aside time for both you and your husband to work through the problems. If he is willing to go that shows that he really wants this to work. Maybe if you bring up this idea he will see that you want to make this work as well. My husband and I are going to look into a similar idea as well. It seems that we are hitting some rough patches and I have a hard time dealing with it on my own.
I wish you the best of luck. I will pray that every thing works out for the best! Hope you get the quality time that you deserve with your husband free from kids for a while.
> 60 days ago

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swallowesparrow
swallowespa... writes:
I'm so sorry to hear this, I too am having some dificulties in my marriage. We have a 13 year old daughter and a 12 year old son. She is my biological child and he is his. We have only been married for 4 months. I am discovering that my husband is quite selfish. He is a very active musician and that comes first in his life. I have tried to get him to understand that he needs to prioritize his time better so that we have alone time and family time but he is unwilling to make less time for his music. I never asked him to give it up but to understand that, being in a marriage means balancing your time. Most of the time I am alone, the kids are at an age where peers are more important and they have plenty of activities. I was a single parent for all of my daughters life until now (13 years) and I feel just as much alone now as I did then. My husband thinks that my thoughts are unreasonable. What do you think?
> 60 days ago

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chris3268
chris3268 writes:
The problem is that you think he has an obsessive relationship with his kids. Once you have kids, they take up the majority of your time - because you love them and want the best for them.  Any coulple needs alone time, DUH! But you obviously did not marry a man with children because you wanted to run off to Mexico and spend your days on the beach witha drink in your hand =).  You married a responsible, family man! You probably got a great catch!  What are you complaining about?   He obviously wants a family or he would not have married you.  He thought you could handle it considering you also have kids.  As for the kids' behavior - you set the rules girl.  If you are having problems and your man won't (or may not know how) to help - go to the kids' mother and make sure y'all are being consistent.   Sorry to go into a rant, but I understand your concerns from every angle.  Do the best you can, put your heart into it and understand your husband is trying and is stretched thin (as are you, or else that 30 minutes of alone time with him would not be as precious to you).  

Your husband and his boys obviously bond over sports. I came from  this type of family.  What once brought us together, eventually tore us apart.  Sports families don't have sit down dinners. I had two brothers  and we played travel ball.  I remember one of us was in Houston, TX, one of us in Oklahoma City, and one of us in St. Louis, MO.  My father worked and my mother would split weekends with us.  The only real family time you have is eating a PB&J, discussing that nights practice/game, all while juggling homework, bath, and bed time.  If you don't participate in the boys' sports, then make sure the family time they have together is rememberable.  

I have been there... but you married this man because of the way he treated you and your kids.  He paid you and your children the attention you craved and needed and deserved - he is only trying to do that for all the loved ones in his life.  Let him know you see what he does for everyone (and lookin' damn good doing it!).  
Feed his ego ~>
Boost his confidence ~>
Be his stress free moment ~>
Let him know he is your get-a-way ~>
[content removed by JustAsk moderator]

Good luck girl =)
> 60 days ago

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eliz.moods76
eliz.moods76 writes:
I am Elizabeth from USA, i want to share a testimony of my life to every one. I have also been through the same situation and i was introduced to prophet Dibia by my friend alice, He prayed for me and now i am the happiest woman in the world. He too can help you with whatever situation you might be facing. Here is his email address: prophetdibiayesufu@outlook.com
> 60 days ago

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genermcmillan
genermcmillan writes:
It depends on the some problems and mood all the human beings are not similar don't try to make a comparison.
> 60 days ago

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newblendedfamof6
newblendedf... writes:
Wendy,

I sympathize completely with you. While the kids always come first you HAVE to dedicate time to a marriage. 1 post mentioned balance. That is truly the key. He needs time with his boys, he also needs time with his boys AND YOU, and he also needs make time for just you guys (yes even on the days the boys are there). The arrangement was never for him to be a part-time husband and that's exactly what he's doing. You two should be a team at all times, not just when it's convenient. I'm concerned that just 4 months into it he's already saying the D word. I think counseling would be in order. Someone to help you guys meet in the middle and help you see his side and vise versa.

With that said, I'm struggling with the blended family thing too. My boyfriend is a widower and 7 months into living together I'm discovering he did not involve the kids in any counseling after losing their mom. When we were dating he was very strict with the kids but once I moved in I discovered he actually lets them run the show. I've tried to step in but I find that I recent that I am the primary disciplinarian. He says he just doesn't know what to do and wants me to take the lead. To me that is just not a fair thing to ask of anyone. These kids are a mess and I really don't feel like they were ready for their dad to have a new relationship. They were very quick to call me Mommy but it's obvious they are traumatized. I've been asking for a month for them to be taken to counseling without results. Luckily I'm not married but there are 4 kids (I have 2 and he has 2) that will be broken-hearted if it doesn't work.

Sorry I didn't meant to hijack your thread lol. Blended families are tough. Here I thought with a widower I wouldn't have baby mama drama but actually it's way more complicated.
> 60 days ago

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