Dear Brwneyedwonder:

Your daughter has gone through two huge transitions in her life recently! Her world has been rocked, both by the move (new house, new community) and by moving in with your boyfriend. When you're three years old, these two things constitute change in almost every single area of her life. It's good that you're concerned, and it's good that you're reaching out to try to understand her. And it's wonderful that you have a boyfriend she feels close to, and can trust.

Children often "act up" toward the person they feel safest with and closest to. I'm surprised that not listening is the only difficulty you see, given the amount of change she has just gone through. It's good that she's showing you the internal difficulties. It's good she's not feeling obligated to be the "perfect child" around you.

I think your best step would be to offer her "Special Time," a period of time somewhere between 5 minutes and an hour--you choose how much, according to what works well for you. You say, "I'll play whatever you want to play," and then do it. If she wants you to make pancakes, make pancakes. If she wants to play hide and seek, play with verve. If she wants you to walk outside in your bare feet, then unless there's glass on the sidewalks, do it. And while it's Special Time, pour on your affection, your attention, and your delight in her. She's a lovely child, so just stay conscious of that while she shows you what she wants to do, and how she wants to do it.

Many times, Special Time can warm up a relationship right away. But it's a tool to use on a regular basis--maybe every day, now, while she's getting used to her new circumstances, and often thereafter, all the way through her childhood. She then can "tell you" through her play, about what's on her mind.

You can expect that after Special Time, her feelings will be closer to the surface than usual. She may ask for something she knows you will say No to. Or she may work up an upset because her peas are touching her potatoes on the dinner plate. Or she may not want you to say good night, and cry about you leaving the bedroom. When this happens, she is trying to offload the sad feelings she has carried about leaving all she once knew to come to this new place. It might be other issues, but whatever the issues, a good long cry in her Mommy's arms, with you saying something like, "I know you want another cookie, sweetie, but one was all you can have" in your very most understanding voice, will allow her to "miss" the second cookie, but let feelings out about whatever else in her life she might be missing. Children always cry about their biggest feelings when they become upset about very small things. It's so helpful to them to have their parent warmly hold the necessary limit, but pour on the love while they cry about whatever wrong they feel. When they are done, they feel so much better, and so much closer to the one who listened. And this changes how well they listen, and how much they can cooperate. Sometimes, you'll see behavior changes that amaze you after one big long cry that you love them through. We call this Staylistening.

You can read about this at our website, below, and try getting our Listening to Children booklets there, which outline how children's emotional lives work, and why crying and tantrums are helpful to them, and to you.

She loves you, and wants to feel close as close can be. Special Time and Staylistening will help that happen.

Yours,

Patty Wipfler