What can I do as a parent for my 14 year old who is in a bad relationship?

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lovemykids2 asks:

My daughter has been going out with her boyfriend for a year now. They have become intimate since January. He has "cheated" on her by kissing a girl and getting caught. He didn't deny it and they did not break up. He cried and cried when he told her (boo hoo). A month later there were rumors of him and this other girl again. He broke up with her again after Prom. She was devastated for a week. Another boy started texting her and her ex boyfriend found out, threatened the other boy and asked my daughter to go back with him (he was jealous). She did. Since then, he has got his license (he just turned 16). I don't trust him, she does. I know he will hurt her again. I don't know what to say or do. He was a very nice boy and so sweet to her up until this other girl started liking him (the other girl is a year older and known for breaking up relationships and sleeping around). For both my daughter and this boy it was their first kiss, first everything. Now, I think he is being a typical 16 year old and......help! By the way, my daughter says I am obsessed with her relationship and need to back off! She says I am always asking questions and she wants me to stop. I just can't stand that he may be lying to her and leading her on and the other girl too.

In Topics: Teen issues

> 60 days ago

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MomSOS

Jun 12, 2010

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What the Expert Says:

I agree wholeheartedly with dgraab's advice.

I would add this note. You may want to consult a professional counselor for parenting strategies in dealing with this difficult situation. A professional might also be able to help you think through the meaning of your daughter's resistance to your help at this point. Of course, in some ways this is typical of a teen of this age. However, another perspective might consider the possibility that this girl is acting out something.

In a broad view, her actions constitute a form of a self-injurious behavior. If her choice of boyfriend did not appeal to you because he was not your "type," that would be one thing. But you are correct to be concerned because there are emotional and medical safety issues at play.

I recommend you follow the advice below including the heart to heart. However, your child may resist all attempts to help. So keep your expectations realistic. She has told you she is not open to your help, so she may resist further attempts to guide her.

Whatever the case I think some professional guidelines for you might be very useful. Using the hotline suggested by dgraab is a great idea, and may give you the opening to pursue more specific help down the line.

See how it goes and let us know.

Bette J. Freedson, LICSW, LCSW, CGP
Clinical Social Worker
JustAsk Expert
http://www.singlemomsos.com/index.html

Resources:

http://www.helpstartshere.org/about-social-workers/bette-j-freedson.html

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Additional Answers (2)

fritzr writes:

I would sit down with her and have a heart to heart. Tell her that you love her and you just want what's best for her. You don't think this boy is showing her the respect she deserves and that what she really deserves is somebody who will be honest with her and treat her well. I would then back off and say you understand that she needs her space and you'll stop bugging her about it. You just want to see her happy and that you are always there for her. Then I would actually back off. Sometimes the best way to learn is through the school of hard knocks. As long as he is just breaking her heart then and not doing something worse then she'll come out wiser on the other side. By the way, your daughter is 14 so even if you ask her how her day is she will say you are obsessing!

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dgraab , Parent writes:

Hello,

I'm sorry to hear about the situation you described. As a mother, I too would be very concerned about my daughter were she in a similar situation.

If by "they have become intimate," you mean that your daughter is engaging in sexual activity with her boyfriend, please consult (in person) with a licensed physician, family counselor, child psychologist and/or your daughter's pediatrician about this situation as soon as possible. At a minimum, your daughter needs to know about the health and emotional risks of sexual activity. A licensed physician can conduct a physical examination, and provide factual, evidence-based information about having sex at age 14. The doctors can also evaluate and treat your daughter's emotional well-being.

If you can't reach a doctor over the weekend, and would like to talk to a professional immediately about this, please call Boys Town National Hotline (which specializes in teens, including teen girls): 1-800-448-3000

All the best to you in supporting your daughter during this difficult time, and thank you for asking!

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