protectmyfu...
asks:
Q:
How should I punish my child for catching him with cigarettes?
my child,is my 16 year old brother who i have had custody of since he was 12. he is in the honor society. 3.5 gpa doesnt party plays sports is well known in his small school. we live in a big city. I recently opened his front pocket on his bookbag and found a pack of cigarettes half gone. he admitted to trying to smoke and gave out the rest. I believe his curiousity, but i am afraid of what is next. he has a class trip to six flags theme park for his junior class tripcoming up . Should i not let him go for punishment my wife thinks we should or my idea of making him do a research paper around 2000 words about addiction and teens and first timers who didnt live to try again. history in my family. I am the oldest of 6 never have done drugs or smoked drink socially. 2 younger brothers over 21 have substance problems and i am afraid of an addictive nature in my family. father was an abusive,to my mother, alcoholic.he is out of the picture completely.any advice would be appreciated. THANKS
In Topics:
Teen alcohol and substance abuse, Discipline and behavior challenges
> 60 days ago
Answers (4)
Hi!
I don't know too many 16 years old that have not tried cigarettes. Its part of the "right of passage" for most teens. He seems like a very together young man. I would be proud of all that he is accomplishing. The smoking is such an "everyone does it" thing. Peer pressure and all. I would allow him to go to Six Flagg provided that he agreed to write the research paper on "addiction and teens". Because he is very academically inclined he would get allot more out of the research paper than he would be held back from going to his class trip. Plus he deserves the class trip for all the work he has put in his studies to make the honor roll. He is a bright young man trust that he is smart enough to understand that cigarettes, kill! That€™s a fact that he will read over and over again as he researches the addition. Do not let the knowing that there is an addiction history in your family label him. Thank you for being so invested in your brother/child. You and your wife are his earth angels and he knows it.
This too will pass!
Barbara Antinoro
Educational Counselor
Kid Angel Foundation
Education.com Team
I don't know too many 16 years old that have not tried cigarettes. Its part of the "right of passage" for most teens. He seems like a very together young man. I would be proud of all that he is accomplishing. The smoking is such an "everyone does it" thing. Peer pressure and all. I would allow him to go to Six Flagg provided that he agreed to write the research paper on "addiction and teens". Because he is very academically inclined he would get allot more out of the research paper than he would be held back from going to his class trip. Plus he deserves the class trip for all the work he has put in his studies to make the honor roll. He is a bright young man trust that he is smart enough to understand that cigarettes, kill! That€™s a fact that he will read over and over again as he researches the addition. Do not let the knowing that there is an addiction history in your family label him. Thank you for being so invested in your brother/child. You and your wife are his earth angels and he knows it.
This too will pass!
Barbara Antinoro
Educational Counselor
Kid Angel Foundation
Education.com Team
> 60 days ago
Hi,
I think as parents we all live in fear of our kids engaging in behavior we know can (or will) be harmful. And it must be especially scary for you considering your family's history of addiction. I understand why you and your wife are considering severe punishments and I know you're just trying to give him a "wake up call" and keep him from continuing this behavior (smoking) or going further down the path of substance abuse.
But I think if you take away the trip, you'll push him away from you when really, what you want at this stage in his life, is to get closer to him. He sounds like a really together kid and he owned up to the cigarettes being his and to having tried them. Even if that's not the "whole truth" (i.e. if he smoked more of them himself than he said he did), it's still a lot more of the truth than many kids would have given.
I think a great start here would be a serious heart to heart talk. If you haven't already, maybe it's time to share some of your family's history and to tell him why you're taking this pack of cigarettes so seriously. Talk to him about some of the terrible consequences the family experienced as a result of drugs and alcohol. Explain that addiction really does "run in families" and that he's at much higher risk of becoming addicted to drugs or alcohol than someone who doesn't have addiction in their family - that other kids may be able to try drugs, or even use regularly for a while without losing control, but that he probably can't. Let him know why you don't smoke or drink and maybe share any negative experiences you had if you did those things in the past. Make sure he knows that he's not being "blamed" for the actions of his elders, just that he has an opportunity to learn from their troubles and mistakes.
That's where I think your research paper comes in (GREAT idea!). But maybe instead of sending him off to do it on his own, you could sit together to do the research. Believe it or not, Phillip Morris has a wonderful resource center (http://www2.philipmorrisusa.com/en/prc/activities/activities.asp) to help parents and kids learn more about the harmful effects of smoking. Make sure he understands that nicotine is a drug - that it affects the brain and is addictive - just like harder drugs. It's especially important that he understands the negative impacts smoking can have on his body NOW as teens are prone to not thinking about, or caring about, life when they're "Old" (like in their 30s!). The threat of permanent bad breath today can be more frightening to a teen than the threat of lung cancer tomorrow. While your conversations should be broad and cover all substances, this project should probably focus just on smoking since, as far as you know, he hasn't tried other substances.
You also want to come out of that research process with some tools he can use to avoid peer pressure. Even at 16 it can still be pretty intense.
And maybe rather than a "research paper", maybe you could have him write a letter to himself as his "punishment". Ask him to write a few pages to himself about what he loves about his life, what he wants to accomplish in it, and how cigarettes could take away his ability to achieve those goals. You probably shouldn't make him show it to you but he may want to.
You should be really proud of the kid he is now - it has a lot, maybe everything, to do with you and your wife.
Good luck and please let us know how you're all doing.
Kat
Education.com Community Team
I think as parents we all live in fear of our kids engaging in behavior we know can (or will) be harmful. And it must be especially scary for you considering your family's history of addiction. I understand why you and your wife are considering severe punishments and I know you're just trying to give him a "wake up call" and keep him from continuing this behavior (smoking) or going further down the path of substance abuse.
But I think if you take away the trip, you'll push him away from you when really, what you want at this stage in his life, is to get closer to him. He sounds like a really together kid and he owned up to the cigarettes being his and to having tried them. Even if that's not the "whole truth" (i.e. if he smoked more of them himself than he said he did), it's still a lot more of the truth than many kids would have given.
I think a great start here would be a serious heart to heart talk. If you haven't already, maybe it's time to share some of your family's history and to tell him why you're taking this pack of cigarettes so seriously. Talk to him about some of the terrible consequences the family experienced as a result of drugs and alcohol. Explain that addiction really does "run in families" and that he's at much higher risk of becoming addicted to drugs or alcohol than someone who doesn't have addiction in their family - that other kids may be able to try drugs, or even use regularly for a while without losing control, but that he probably can't. Let him know why you don't smoke or drink and maybe share any negative experiences you had if you did those things in the past. Make sure he knows that he's not being "blamed" for the actions of his elders, just that he has an opportunity to learn from their troubles and mistakes.
That's where I think your research paper comes in (GREAT idea!). But maybe instead of sending him off to do it on his own, you could sit together to do the research. Believe it or not, Phillip Morris has a wonderful resource center (http://www2.philipmorrisusa.com/en/prc/activities/activities.asp) to help parents and kids learn more about the harmful effects of smoking. Make sure he understands that nicotine is a drug - that it affects the brain and is addictive - just like harder drugs. It's especially important that he understands the negative impacts smoking can have on his body NOW as teens are prone to not thinking about, or caring about, life when they're "Old" (like in their 30s!). The threat of permanent bad breath today can be more frightening to a teen than the threat of lung cancer tomorrow. While your conversations should be broad and cover all substances, this project should probably focus just on smoking since, as far as you know, he hasn't tried other substances.
You also want to come out of that research process with some tools he can use to avoid peer pressure. Even at 16 it can still be pretty intense.
And maybe rather than a "research paper", maybe you could have him write a letter to himself as his "punishment". Ask him to write a few pages to himself about what he loves about his life, what he wants to accomplish in it, and how cigarettes could take away his ability to achieve those goals. You probably shouldn't make him show it to you but he may want to.
You should be really proud of the kid he is now - it has a lot, maybe everything, to do with you and your wife.
Good luck and please let us know how you're all doing.
Kat
Education.com Community Team
> 60 days ago
First of all, you should be commended for helping to raise your brother into a successful teenager. The fact that you are taking his cigarette smoking seriously also shows your level of commitment to raising him to be a responsible, healthy young man.
In addition to the paper that you are thinking of having him write, it will also be important for him to build up some trust with you and your wife again. Be open with him about your feelings of mistrust and prepare him that as a result of his behavior you will now need to check his activities out more carefully. If he goes out with friends, check him for the smell of cigarette smoke when he gets home. You can also occasionally have him show you the contents of his book bag, jacket, etc. on request. Let him know how important to be able to trust him in order to feel comfortable continuing to let him do things with his friends in the future.
Letting him go on his trip can show him that you care about him and are willing to give him another chance, and having him do the paper will provide him a consequence and educate him at the same time.
You are definitely on the right track, keep your lines of communication with him open and honest. While there are things that might be more serious that smoking, it is important for him to follow your rules and understand your expectations!
Best wishes,
Boys Town National Hotline
an Education.com partner
1-800-448-3000
In addition to the paper that you are thinking of having him write, it will also be important for him to build up some trust with you and your wife again. Be open with him about your feelings of mistrust and prepare him that as a result of his behavior you will now need to check his activities out more carefully. If he goes out with friends, check him for the smell of cigarette smoke when he gets home. You can also occasionally have him show you the contents of his book bag, jacket, etc. on request. Let him know how important to be able to trust him in order to feel comfortable continuing to let him do things with his friends in the future.
Letting him go on his trip can show him that you care about him and are willing to give him another chance, and having him do the paper will provide him a consequence and educate him at the same time.
You are definitely on the right track, keep your lines of communication with him open and honest. While there are things that might be more serious that smoking, it is important for him to follow your rules and understand your expectations!
Best wishes,
Boys Town National Hotline
an Education.com partner
1-800-448-3000
> 60 days ago
Give him the benefit of the doubt this time.Idont know of anyone that started smoking cigrettes and opened up a door to more serisous drugs.Ask him what he nows about the long term effects of smokeing.Let him no the door is open.Dont slam it in his face over smokes this way if some other drug pops up he will be more apt to talk to you before it goes to far.
> 60 days ago
