pinkcrystal , Student asks:

How to help a friend who says she was kissed and touched?

my friend confided in me a big secret and i dont know what to do.  she told me her grandad touched her. she sed it onli happened once but she doesnt no what to do. she said he kissed her then touched her down below...she said he asked her one question...wether he upset her...she said no because 1 she didnt understand 2 she said it felt good but she thought about it and then realized it was rong...i dont no what to do. by the way she is only 13.
In Topics: Teen sexuality and dating, My child's grandparent(s)
> 60 days ago



Jul 30, 2010
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What the Expert Says:

Hi there,
first, it's great that you're asking what to do! The answer is that you need to tell an adult--even if your friend asked you to keep it a secret! It must be scary for your friend to have had this experience and it could happen again to her. Or her granddad could do it to another grandchild if no-one finds out about it. The feelings she had (even the ones that it felt good) are normal and it doesn't mean she (or you) shouldn't tell an adult about it--you definitely should!

You should choose an adult that you trust, that you think will believe you and that you think will do somehting about it. Some ideas are:
--Your parent
--Her parent
--A school counselor
--The parent of one of your and her good friends

Don't wait! Tell an adult immediately! If you think your friend will be really upset, it's okay to tell without letting her know because it really is the right thing to do.

You're a good friend!
Dr. Susan

Dr Susan Bartell
JustAsk Expert
Twitter @drsusanbartell
NEW book “The Top 50 Questions Kids Ask”

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Additional Answers (2)

dgraab , Parent writes:

Thank you for having the courage to reach out and ask for help! This must be such a scary and upsetting experience for you and your friend, and support is available to help you both.

However, an online forum isn't the best place to help your friend with this problem. Instead, I strongly encourage you and/or your friend to talk with a trusted adult (such as your parents) immediately in person, and share the details of the story. Only then can you and your friend get the support needed to recover from this situation. Involving other trustworthy adults offline can also lead to your friend's grandfather getting help as well. It is never ok for an adult to touch a child in an intimate way, even if the adult is a relative.

If you or your friend feel that you do not have a trusted adult that you can speak to immediately, please call Boys Town National Hotline which specializes in helping teens and their families with the issues they face: 1-800-448-3000. It is free to call Boys Town, and you may call at any time on any day (they are available to help 24 hours a day, every day of the year). Please don't hesitate to get help offline as soon as possible.

Thank you again for reaching out and asking this question in this forum. I applaud you for your bravery, and ask that you please take the additional steps I've outline above.
> 60 days ago

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Hanith writes:
...Your friend needs to understand how precious she is and that her body belongs to her and should be treated as the gift it is.

Naturally her body would react to his advances and she should not feel guilty for her initial response....It [c]ould be his means of holding her "so-called" involvement over her head. "Don't you love me?", "I thought you liked it!", "It's our secret!"...

Your friend is sooooo super lucky to have you and she obviously knows that.
Here's the thing, she probably feels like she has lost control of her own life but has mixed feelings about ratting on her granddad.

Speak to your guidance counselor about having a few lessons concerning abuse within the family, respecting ones body and how to deal with loved ones who violate you!

Do you perhaps have empowerment courses at your school, if so enroll you and your friend into it. You will both  benefit from learning what your strengths are and that you have the absolute right , even obligation toward yourselves to defend yourself and your honor!

You, on the other hand also need to hand this issue over to a more experienced person. Understandable you fear for losing your friend but it will be the best thing you will ever do for her!

...I was 5yrs old when my parents got divorced and we moved to my grandads house.(I didn't know him very well) My mom would have to leave me with him when she went to work and he would help himself to my tiny, beautiful, innocent body...It happened a few times and I was so confused, thinking that perhaps it wasn't as bad as I thought. He was my grandad and though I wasn't close with him, I figured he must love me and wouldn't do anything to hurt me. I must be misunderstanding him! It must have been the fourth time he made his move that I just became so overwhelmed by nausea that even my skin felt awful to me, and I was finally able to get away from him...."By the grace of God" my mom found us a new house to move to just a week after that! The next time I saw him (at his funeral), I was 16yrs old but somehow I had mentally blocked this out and didn't even remember until...I was 25. I still haven't told my mom but I so wish I did. I would love to have stood in front of him now and make him see, he has never had power over me!

Please let us know what's happening with you and your friend and please remember that you have us as a support system but get a trustworthy adult involved ASAP!

To you, me, your friend and ALL SURVIVORS out there!

Best wishes!
> 60 days ago

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