What do I do, when I have done all I can think to do, to regain my wifes love and devotion.

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mrkristie7 asks:

We have been to marriage counciling, we have went through the "Love Dare" book, we have watched the Fire- Proof movie about marriage restoration, but it seems that I still lack measuring up to all of my wifes expectations of how a Christian husband should be. I am at my witt's end because I feel totally encapable of ever being good enough as a man and a husband.
She has had every man in her life, her dad, her first husband who is dead now, her grandfather who molested her when she was five years old, several times, and I get the feeling that no matter how hard I try, it won't ever be good enough. My step-daughters also, as I have written in previous letters have had this seperatist mentallity that she is now also embracing. I feel helpless as what to do, I am almost to the point of seperating from her for awhile, for neither of us believe in divorce. It has been this was off and on for 21 years now and is getting worse. We have lived in a new area for over six months now and her and I have not been intimate at all for that time. What do I do now. I keep getting beat down all the time inspite of my attempts at loving her and appeasing her. I'm very hurt and tired. I am trying to finish college at the same time and it just inhibits me from concentrating on my school work. Please help if you can.

In Topics: Blended families

> 60 days ago

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ShirleyCressDudley

Jan 10, 2010

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What the Expert Says:

First, I want to praise you for all the work you have already done on your marriage. You seem to be really trying to make it work. It sounds as if your wife has had abusive relationships in the past- and these types of relationships keep her from trusting you, and also loving you. Her daughters have learned the behavior from her too.

If possible, suggest to her that she get some one-on-one time with a counselor. The counselor could work with your wife alone, and then also see the two of you as a couple, as she progresses. Your wife has self-esteem issues that keep her from the love you want to share. Right now, you can continue to express your love to her, and tell her that she truly deserves to be loved, and is worthy of a good marriage.

I'm sorry you are also busy with work and college. Having marriage problems can be very heart breaking and also distracting from your other tasks.

I don't want you to choose work or school over marriage, but you can communicate to her that it's hurting you, and she needs to get help. Give her a deadline to get help, along with finding her resources to choose from. At that point, she is an adult, let her take the initiative and get help.

I wish you the best. You are welcome to let her read this, if it would help. She is worthy of love, and is lucky to have you.

Kindest Regards,
Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

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