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painting asks:
Q:

Being a scene kid is hurting my daughter and me. How do I change her?

In Topics: Teen issues
> 60 days ago

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Expert

Boys Town National Hotline
Jan 22, 2010
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What the Expert Says:

You stated that you and your daughter are being hurt by her being a “scene kid.”  You did not mention the age of your child, but changing a child’s behavior at any age is best done through “behavior modification.” This is a form of discipline which includes rewards and incentives for positive behavior, and consequences for negative behavior.  All consequences should teach, rather than punish.

Being a scene kid itself is not necessarily harmful if her trendy clothing and hair are the only things which she has changed about herself.  But, if you believe there is something more serious or destructive going on with her, do not hesitate to ask for help.  You can speak with her school counselor to get a better idea of how she is doing at school.  You can also ask her pediatrician for advice, or consider meeting with a professional counselor for guidance.  It never hurts to get a different perspective from someone who can look at the situation with objectivity and sound judgment.  

Best wishes to you and your daughter!  

Boys Town National Hotline
1-800-448-3000
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Additional Answers (20)

scene_queen
scene_queen writes:
well it mite be a lil hard to change ur daughter. hi im marie im 15 and im scene.andc im glad to help. now if u dnt like her bein scene tell her. if she has atitude. tell her y. give her a website to go to like urban dictionary scene....im sure that may help. otherwise shes gnna be hard to handle just keep ur hopes up
                              silent♥
> 60 days ago

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dgraab
dgraab , Parent writes:
Hi, I'm sorry to hear that you're having some struggles with your teenage daughter. Have you talked to a family or school counselor about your concerns? Please consult your family doctor or pediatrician as well.

Boys Town National Hotline (a JustAsk Expert and Education.com Reference partner) also specializes in teen issues (not just for boys). They offer a 24-hour toll-free crisis, resource and referral line you could call: 1-800-448-3000.

Here are some resources on Education.com that may also be helpful to your situation...

Teen Years
http://www.education.com/age/teen-years/

Teen Issues
http://www.education.com/topic/teen-issues/

When Your Teen's New Friend is a Bad Influence
http://www.education.com/magazine/article/Teen_Friend_Bad_Influence/

Understanding an Adolescent Phenomenon: Teens Click With Their Cliques
http://www.education.com/reference/article/understanding-adolescent-teen-cliques/
> 60 days ago

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Iminwiththeskaters
Iminwiththe... writes:
im 14 and im "scene" you might not like my anwser but the best way t ohandle this is just tell you daughter...and you say it hurting her...but really its just her reaction to being a teen. let her do her thing more times than not she will be back to norm in a few months...
> 60 days ago

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hellofascination6495
hellofascin... writes:
Okay,
1.) You didn't state how old your daughter is.
2.) How is it 'hurting' you and your daughter?

I've been scene for about 3 years now. I've yet to see anything about me hurting my family.

When you say hurting do you mean emotionally or physically? Because if it's physically, that's not scene; that's emo. Or depressed. Whatever. Emotionally . . . How, emotionally? Is it because her family doesn't like the way she is now? Is it because people judge her and because of it people judge you for letting her be that way? If it is, then those people are stupid and naieve. Letting your daughter be expressive is a good thing. And if they're stupid enought to actually JUDGE people, then that's their problem. People who judge people for ANYTHING-whether it be clothes, hair, race, gender, sexuality, etc. are stupid and predjudiced.

Scene isn't bad. It's good. It teaches people to be 100% you and to love who you are. That's what a lot of judgers/poseurs don't get. Even if you're scene, you don't have to be a stereotype. You can be 'scene' while being yourself.

I'm sorry if this answers seems rude or mean, but I honestly don't see how it could be hurting you or your family.

Maybe you should post another question explaining your situation.

Hope I helped! ^_^
kthanxbai.
> 60 days ago

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Karenmom
Karenmom writes:
Hi painting,

I had to do research to find out what a "scene kid" is and after I found out, I could certainly understand your question and concerns.  This is not something that you would want for your daughter.  I found this site that I linked below that explains the steps to STOP being a scene kid.

Hopefully this will help and also you may want to encourage her to dress and act as you would like her to.  Set the examples of what you want her to be, set guidelines as to what is acceptable by you and remind her that her focus should be based on her education opposed to her fashion and attitude.

Best wishes!

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GinnyFly
GinnyFly writes:
here will be many parents who want to change you and donât understand your behaviorâ¦especially if you are extreme scene with piercings and such.
However, your parents need to know that being scene is much different than begin Goth or Emo. Being scene is about self-expression and does not have the negativity associated with these other movements. It is important not to be rebellious. Rather, it is important to embrace yourself and your confidence in being scene. Share the article called Scene Kids Are A Lot Less Depressed And A Lot More⦠Neon, and happy.
> 60 days ago

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rachelritalin789
rachelrital... writes:
Hi, I guess I'm what you would call a scene kid.
Trust me, Usually we're not that argumentative, I'm an honor role student, and have a very close relationship with my parents.
Pretty weird for a sixteen-year-old, huh?

First off, is your daughter morbidly profane?
if so, try keeping her favourite electronic (an ipod, phone, etc.) away for the same number of days she swore. That definitely kills me!
If she's dressing skimpily, just make fun of her (not too hurtful!).My dad did it with me once or twice, and boy am I glad.
If you argue a lot, think about why.If it involves things like piercings, hair dying, hair products, CDs, just tell her to buy it herself.My parents use this method as if it were a religion up to the point where I have to buy my own clothing.half the time I'm broke because I don't yet have a job.
If she says you're too uptight, remind her who let her become scene in the first place.
third, if she's asking you to go to all of these concerts and shows, ask her who the band is.research them for a little.If it's an all ages show, let her go.If it's not, then don't, or go with her.
Fourth, your daughter probably loves music very much. though bands like brokencyde, blood on the dance floor, dotdotcurve:) are vulgar and innapropriate, it might be impossible to get your daughter to stop listening.I'm not kidding.music freaks cannot be taken from their favourite bands.I'm kind of an example.
 and last (I know, finally!), if she's becoming really emotional, or emotionally violent, she might be getting bullied.It's kind of something that comes with the style, unfortunately.People called me emo and insisted I slit my wrists up to the point where I almost did. Kid's called me weird, and ignored me, I lost friends.It was pretty tough, but when I found the right friends, I made it through.
I found, as cheesy as it was, to make comebacks.Not offensive ones, simply some like:
Kid:Are you emo?
me:Are you?
Kid:No
Me:exactly.
Thank you for suffering through my gargantuan post.
If she doubts any of it, tell her you heard the method from a scene kid.You can even have proof!

sincerely,

Rachel Behr
> 60 days ago

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chrysta98
chrysta98 writes:
being a "scene" kid is not hurting your daughter and you. Being scene isnt something you can just undo. Scene is who you are not the way you dress or do your hair....... and if all that she thinks it is ( hair clothes and makeup), then take it all away cause she probley isnt scenem, she is probley a poser, and very conceted that she is now "fake scene" and she probley thin k she is cool then- posers are never cool.If she truthfully is scene then dont change her ( because you cant change her).....she probley gets enough crap from the reactions of other students and teachers at school. If she really is having a problem, its probley has nothing to do with her being scene ..... maybe from the negective reactions she gets from being scene, like your doing, but most scene kids dont care about what other people think, they go with what feels right to them.
IF SHE IS A POSER------CHANGE HER----I GAURENTEE IT WILL BE BETTER--- because if she is a poser, others kids at school probley know, so they are making fun of her for being a poser---- and if she stops being a poser----kids will stop making fun of ur daughter----and her attitude will definitly change and be better. good luck! and remember..... scene =good
                    poser =bad
> 60 days ago

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catkay
catkay writes:
tell a person
> 60 days ago

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catkay
catkay writes:
tell a teacher or a big person.
> 60 days ago

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Rawrss
Rawrss writes:
Well, You could always tell her your feelings. But she may jump to conclusion, that your judgeing herr. Or you could change her. Unless you have told her to be herself, nd dont let anyone judge you. Then i guess you would kinda be a hypocrite.
> 60 days ago

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Aliechia
Aliechia , Parent writes:
You can't change your child. She needs to express herself. Try to get her into more activities that may help her express herself. Try dance or an art class. Be accepting of her shortcomings, and supportive of her decisions. By doing this, she will confide in you more.
> 60 days ago

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T0fu_
T0fu_ writes:
Well, i'm personally against the "scene movement" they all claim to be "unique" and "different" but really they all dress the same, act the same, listen to the same music. Etc... I have piercings, and am also an active member of the rave scene (different 'scene') and at most events I attend, there's always scene kids. Which in that case is fine ('PLUR') but still do not agree with these kid's opinions and style, if you believe this is harming your daughter, or just don't like it. Make her stop. Tell her "No" i know it's a diffucult concept for parents these days, but tell her no. Stop buying her clothes at hot topic and make her dress and act like a regular person. If you can't just be an adult and tell her no, seek help bu calling 1-800-hang-yourself because if you can't be a grown up and choose to allow your child to act like a little faggot, that's the only reasonable way to handle it, but hey! Your kid might come to their senses and end it too. Cheers!:)
> 60 days ago

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brandy94
brandy94 writes:
you cant change a person. they have to want to change by themselves and if they want to change then you ask if you can help.
> 60 days ago

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Andromeda-M
Andromeda-M writes:
Hello. I am a teenager of the scene variety, although I have not gone to extreme levels. I am going to outline how you can keep a relationship with your daughter, and let her be who she wants to be.
- Does she have coloured hair? Outline the colours she is PERMITTED to dye it, and if she breaches this rule, make her bleach it out. I dyed my hair electric blue once, and my brothers made me bleach it out. Since she would know bleaching is damaging to hair, she would think twice before doing it again.
- Does your daughter have piercings? Set a number of piercings (and audacity) that she can wear on certain days; two or three to school, and as many as she likes on the weekends.
- Does your daughter wear extreme makeup? Limit the amount she can wear in public, and the colour scheme. Be aware that changing one's makeup regime can result in chaos, but a hard fist is for the best.
- Does your daughter wear innappropriate clothing? In the end, it is your ultimate judgement that decides what you allow your daughter to wear. Avoid large, gaudy shoes, belts and jewellery, but let her keep softer items. Give her a colour scheme of what she can wear in public.
- Does your daughter give you attitude? Music is an important part of a scene girl's anatomy (this I highly reccomend you let be, because changing a person's music is a low act, and she WILL hate you for it). However, when she swears, or breaks the rules, take her music and internet privelages away for an according amount of time.

My own experiences as a scene girl have had mixed influences on me. They helped me bring out who I was without restriction, which was a good thing. Living with only my three older brothers (and with a hopeless name like Andromeda) my life lacks a lot of discipline. Being a scene girl didn't help that. Talk to your daughter about the problem, and she will listen.
> 60 days ago

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neongurl
neongurl writes:
No offense ldy but that's not gonna hurt u or ur daughter in any way if shes scene. plus u should let her make her own decisions.
> 60 days ago

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labelsareforsoupcans
labelsarefo... writes:
Okay, first of all, you haven't stated how old she is. Also, like a lot of these people, I can't even begin to grasp HOW being a scene kid could possibly be hurting her or yourself. I've been a "scene kid" for 2 years and nothing about me has hurt me or my family. If you want her to change because you're worried about her, maybe it's time to let your daughter make her own decisions (I'm going to assume she's a teenager like myself since you didn't provide us her age). Sometimes you have to let your kids learn on their own and from their own mistakes. However, and I know this is going to sound rude so brace yourself, if you want her to change because you just don't like how she dresses and you want her to be "normal" so she fits the mold of today's doomed society, then you need to get over yourself. Your kids are NOT you. When people reach a certain age, they need to know how to think for themselves or they're never going to get by in the world once you can't shield them from reality anymore. If you stuff her mind with YOUR opinions and thoughts, she won't know the difference between what she thinks and what want her to think. Manipulation is no way to parent a child (I'm not trying to tell you how to raise your kid, I'm just a person with an opinion and the right to express it). Unless she is being physically or emotionally hurt by something (which may not even have anything to do with her being scene!), you need to let her be her own person. I get it, as a parent you want to be able to protect your little girl, but one day, you won't be able to protect her anymore and she'll have to fend for herself. Then what? Hasn't anyone ever noticed that when you put your kids in a little bubble and try to shape them into some predetermined mold, things don't end well? Teenagers are like animals. If you corner them, you're going to end up hurt. Now, if this is not the case and you just don't know anything about the scene so you don't trust it? How about doing a little research before you try to "reform" your daughter? Trust me, being a scene kid isn't as bad as you parental units perceive it to be. Yes, there a people who do drugs and drink alcohol. Guess what? So do a lot of non-scene people. Actually, most scene kids I know, including myself, are Straight Edge (no drugs, no alcohol). Don't put your daughter into a stereotype, she doesn't deserve that, I'm sure she gets it enough from the kids at school, she doesn't need it from her parents too. My point is, labels are for soup cans, so don't knock it til' you try it. :) (Also, so sorry for the rant, I just get very passionate about these things.)
> 60 days ago

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gurudog
gurudog writes:
My daughter is just 11 and over the course of a month decided she wanted to change her "style". I'm a really liberal parent and have a close relationship with her and said Ok to the blue hair, black clothes, and hard core metal.

This all happened so fast I just though it was a little phase, but last night I starting reading the lyrics to Pierce the Veil and Sleeping with Sirens and while not all of them are bad, some were really negative. I know music can't hurt a person, I grew up on AC/DC and all the rock and roll so I don't want to take that away.

The problem is that she's lost most all her friends who didn't like her change and because of it, she keeps withdrawing from her family and friends and it seems to be all she wants is to stay in her room and listen to hard core music (yes, i know it's not that bad and there's much worse) ...

I totally get that she wants to be a unique individual, but going "Scene" isn't really any different than any other suit of clothes, just another way of finding an identity that you're comfortable with. I just wish she wasn't so reclusive and I'm afraid that the whole Scene, clothes, music, etc are only going to lead to less positive interactions as she heads into Junior High next year.  

Please any feedback is welcome.
Dad.
> 60 days ago

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genermcmillan
genermcmillan writes:
Dear please try to make a psychological move...!!!!
> 60 days ago

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artemis.of.the.moon
artemis.of.... , Student writes:
Eh... Scene is a style... But it's kind of like a phase. She'll have weird colored hair, wear different style clothing, and act out. But it's just another one of those phases that teens/preteens tend to go through as they try to become an individual.

If she's physically, or verbally, abusing herself, and you, take her to see a counselor.
> 60 days ago

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