Thanks for writing to www.education.com with your parenting question. Your situation sounds very frustrating. Sometimes it can be hard to know how to parent a child that has begun to act as if he is in charge. From what you have written, it sounds as if your son has been setting his own rules without consequence for some time.

Your first priority should be to reestablish boundaries with your son. Help him to understand that you are the adult and thus will be the one to set the rules and consequences. Please understand that this will not be an easy transition for your son. He is used to calling the shots. To have that end without warning would be difficult to accept. Instead, talk with him about the need to have a meeting. Make this "meeting" official by setting a time and place - perhaps a neighborhood ice cream or coffee shop early in the evening or during the day on a weekend. You mentioned that your son is prone to acting out aggressively when he "doesn't want to have questions". A public location might help you to keep the tone of the meeting more cooperative and less confrontational. Talk with your son about setting up some rules and a daily schedule.

It is important to prepare for the meeting by coming up with a schedule you can live with before the meeting. You need to present yourself as an authority figure, making it clear that if your son does not adhere to the rules there will be consequences. It will be very important to get his input of rules and consequences however you will have final decision making power.


In addition to consequences if he doesn't comply, you might want to establish some sort of motivator for your son to increase the likelihood that he will obey. For instance, you might want to set a limit of the time he will be allowed to play video games if he completes his study time and chores.


Clearly define the rules and consequences for your son so that he will have a greater chance at success. Children are much more likely to do well if they know what their parents expect.  Along with rules for video game and phone use, establish an appropriate bedtime and be sure to prepare a list of responsibilities/chores around the house that he must complete each day.

It will also be very important to continue to develop your relationship with your son.  Spend time each day interacting with him in meaningful ways.  Establish rituals such as sharing a bagel at breakfast, taking a walk together after you return from work each day or reading the paper or a novel at the kitchen table while he completes his homework.  Listen to what he has to say, reflect back what you are hearing to indicate that you are really hearing him.  

Shifting gears can be really hard for a family that has developed an unhealthy balance. It might really help you to engage the services of a professional from your community such as a family counselor or therapist. To obtain information on referrals in your local area don't hesitate to contact the Boys Town National Hotline at 1-800-448-3000.

Parenting is really hard work. If you feel that you could use some additional support and encouragement, please don't hesitate to contact a hot line counselor. In addition to providing local referral information, trained parenting counselors are available to help you work through tough situations. The Boys Town Hotline staff can provide you with the help you need to succeed. Counselors are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to help so do not hesitate to call at a time that is convenient for you.

Boys Town also provides a parenting website at www.parenting.org. If you are not sure about contacting the Hotline, at least check out the suggestions on our website.

Wishing you the best,

Linda, Counselor
Boys Town National Hotline
1-800-448-3000