Madison2005
asks:
Q:
Why did my son's preschool teacher attack my concerns about a bully?
My son has been the target by another since almost the beginning of school (8 mths). I have seen signs throughout the year, but the bully is clever and sneaky. I have volunteered numerous times, and am now "just getting it"!(ex: with a look, is able to get all the kids to move from my son's table to his; puts down my son's artwork; tells my son he doesn't want me in the classroom) My son also has a therapist in the room 2 hours a week, and she has witnessed much more than I. The teacher and 2 aides haven't witnessed anything, even after I voiced my concerns about "little things" through-out the year. Since the emotional abuse & friend-manipulation has clearly escalated in & out of the classroom (ex.: bully got all the kids to run from him at party&his mom watched!) his therapist &I voiced our concerns with the teacher, and she asked me to write them down. I did, and she started to excuse the behavior & discredit my every concern! I reminded her she asked me to do this, it was my observation, and that there was another objective person (the therapist*) who has seen much more than I have, & with other kids, too. The teacher then asked me why I continued to send my son to school if I felt it was so "unsafe"! It's been over a week, and she has not said anything to the mother of the other child because she personally hasn't seen it. Please help me understand!!! (* therapist doesn't discuss other kids, but seeing increased behaviors her supervisor advised her speak-up!)
In Topics:
Working with my child's teacher(s), Preschool, Bullying and teasing
> 60 days ago
What the Expert Says:
Additional Answers (3)
Thank you so much for your response. I am keeping a paper trail as suggested.
The teacher stated she would be keeping a close eye on the situation this week, especially to observe behaviors herself.
I guess my most burning question is why she went out of her way to ignore my concerns? With my every written issue I presented to her, she either: came up with likely senarios to excuse the behavior I witnessed. Or, she redirected my concerns onto me: the bully's mother breached a confidentiality rule by speaking to my son's therapist about him (bully's mom is also a therapist and used their prior working relationship in that regard). But the teacher ignored that issue, then voiced concern about me talking with another mother about the bully & the identical treatment our sons experienced by him. This conversation occurred at her house.
It's a private preschool, so they won't be in the same school next year. And the teacher is the head of the program.
Thank you!
The teacher stated she would be keeping a close eye on the situation this week, especially to observe behaviors herself.
I guess my most burning question is why she went out of her way to ignore my concerns? With my every written issue I presented to her, she either: came up with likely senarios to excuse the behavior I witnessed. Or, she redirected my concerns onto me: the bully's mother breached a confidentiality rule by speaking to my son's therapist about him (bully's mom is also a therapist and used their prior working relationship in that regard). But the teacher ignored that issue, then voiced concern about me talking with another mother about the bully & the identical treatment our sons experienced by him. This conversation occurred at her house.
It's a private preschool, so they won't be in the same school next year. And the teacher is the head of the program.
Thank you!
> 60 days ago
It sounds like the teacher is feeling helpless. In a way she is; how can she assume the leadership to talk to another parent about something she dosen't know of firsthand?
Can you request a meeting between the therapist, teacher, other parent and you? If the teacher can't find it in good conscience to report to another parent on something she herself hasn't seen, she can at least meet you halfway and let the therapist explain what she has seen.
Let the teacher know that the issue won't just go away by itself. Your child has to feel comfortable in his "home away from home". It's not like your child spends only three hours a week at school. He spends a full half of his waking hours there during the work week. I'm sure this teacher wouldn't like it if she had to deal with some nasty co-worker 40 hours a week.
The teacher needs to be more interested in your son's problem. If she's waiting to see the bullying by chance rather than trying to observe without being seen then she might see nothing forevermore.
She has to meet you halfway, and you should be prepared because if she arranges a meeting this other parent might come in with a nasty, defensive attitude. To prepare for this you have to remain emotionally present and take the lead from the start, smiling wide and being very cheery when you meet the other parent. If you don't take the lead from the start, letting the other parent know (nonverbally) you not trying to attack her son, then the whole meeting could be doomed.
I suspect that this might be the concern of the teacher also if and when you do request a meeting, so you should reassure her that you don't want to gang up on the other parent, that your intention is to be sensitive toward the other parent.
That's how I would handle it. I can't imagine any other way that would be effective. Good luck to you. Hope you can get this resolved once and for all.
Can you request a meeting between the therapist, teacher, other parent and you? If the teacher can't find it in good conscience to report to another parent on something she herself hasn't seen, she can at least meet you halfway and let the therapist explain what she has seen.
Let the teacher know that the issue won't just go away by itself. Your child has to feel comfortable in his "home away from home". It's not like your child spends only three hours a week at school. He spends a full half of his waking hours there during the work week. I'm sure this teacher wouldn't like it if she had to deal with some nasty co-worker 40 hours a week.
The teacher needs to be more interested in your son's problem. If she's waiting to see the bullying by chance rather than trying to observe without being seen then she might see nothing forevermore.
She has to meet you halfway, and you should be prepared because if she arranges a meeting this other parent might come in with a nasty, defensive attitude. To prepare for this you have to remain emotionally present and take the lead from the start, smiling wide and being very cheery when you meet the other parent. If you don't take the lead from the start, letting the other parent know (nonverbally) you not trying to attack her son, then the whole meeting could be doomed.
I suspect that this might be the concern of the teacher also if and when you do request a meeting, so you should reassure her that you don't want to gang up on the other parent, that your intention is to be sensitive toward the other parent.
That's how I would handle it. I can't imagine any other way that would be effective. Good luck to you. Hope you can get this resolved once and for all.
> 60 days ago
By Michelle Ball, California Education Attorney for Students since 1995
FYI- never ever presume the schools ARE doing their jobs adequately. You must stay involved. Parents ALWAYS need to know what is going on to ensure the schools are doing what they are supposed to do. Kids usually will not report issues to school staff on their own and feel they have no power. If school officials don't notice something is going on, parents must step in. I have heard too many horror stories to believe otherwise.
Schools are under an obligation to take action when they know bullying or targeting is occurring. They may also punish the students involved (see California Education Code sections 48900(r) and 48900.4). However, I get calls weekly from parents whose kids are being targeted while the school ignores a known situation. Often the parents have verbally told the school, but the school has done nothing.
Here are my best suggestions of what to do to get action from the school and stop the bullying:
1) Talk to your kids every single day about what is going on at school. Really get into problems they are having and who the problems are with.
2) Go observe your children at school. Get advanced permission from the school. Then, sit and watch what is going on with your child from a distance.
3) If anything comes up in your discussions and/or observation involving repetitive taunting, pushing, etc. note this down. Keep a daily journal of what is going, where it happens, and who is involved.
4) If things are bad, and/or physical at all, send a letter to the school regarding what is going on. Ask for a meeting and action by the school.
5) Meet with the powers that be and develop a plan to stop the bullying. Bring a list of items you WANT put in place such as a shadow to follow your child, a meeting with the other kids' parents, daily email, etc. This list will be unique to each student, depending on the situation.
6) If they ignore you, send your letter to the Superintendent.
7) If things continue to occur, send DAILY LETTERS OUTLINING WHAT IS GOING ON. Paper trails are great for making people act.
8) You can also file a complaint in writing with the District, or could even go to your local grand jury to file a complaint if you are getting nowhere.
10) Pick up your child or walk them to/from school if possible.
11) Protect your kids. If the school and district are non-responsive, you must protect your child as a first action while you resolve the problems. This may mean transfer to another school, independent study, your supervision at school as needed, etc. Their safety is paramount. You do not want to have your son or daughter end up like the boy in Philadelphia who was beaten by a group of kids and left hanging from a fence.
12) Attorney involvement at any point can also help.
The school will control what they do in response to the bullying, but you can influence them by providing a list of what you think will solve the problem.
Don't neglect this. Parents must take control to the degree they can, or their child may be left hanging beaten from a fence or worse.
Best,
Michelle Ball
Education Law Attorney
LAW OFFICE OF MICHELLE BALL
717 K Street, Suite 228
Sacramento, CA 95814
Phone: 916-444-9064
Fax: 916-444-1209
Website: http://www.edlaw4students.com/
Blog: http://edlaw4students.blogspot.com/
Twitter: http://twitter.com/michelleaball
FYI- never ever presume the schools ARE doing their jobs adequately. You must stay involved. Parents ALWAYS need to know what is going on to ensure the schools are doing what they are supposed to do. Kids usually will not report issues to school staff on their own and feel they have no power. If school officials don't notice something is going on, parents must step in. I have heard too many horror stories to believe otherwise.
Schools are under an obligation to take action when they know bullying or targeting is occurring. They may also punish the students involved (see California Education Code sections 48900(r) and 48900.4). However, I get calls weekly from parents whose kids are being targeted while the school ignores a known situation. Often the parents have verbally told the school, but the school has done nothing.
Here are my best suggestions of what to do to get action from the school and stop the bullying:
1) Talk to your kids every single day about what is going on at school. Really get into problems they are having and who the problems are with.
2) Go observe your children at school. Get advanced permission from the school. Then, sit and watch what is going on with your child from a distance.
3) If anything comes up in your discussions and/or observation involving repetitive taunting, pushing, etc. note this down. Keep a daily journal of what is going, where it happens, and who is involved.
4) If things are bad, and/or physical at all, send a letter to the school regarding what is going on. Ask for a meeting and action by the school.
5) Meet with the powers that be and develop a plan to stop the bullying. Bring a list of items you WANT put in place such as a shadow to follow your child, a meeting with the other kids' parents, daily email, etc. This list will be unique to each student, depending on the situation.
6) If they ignore you, send your letter to the Superintendent.
7) If things continue to occur, send DAILY LETTERS OUTLINING WHAT IS GOING ON. Paper trails are great for making people act.
8) You can also file a complaint in writing with the District, or could even go to your local grand jury to file a complaint if you are getting nowhere.
10) Pick up your child or walk them to/from school if possible.
11) Protect your kids. If the school and district are non-responsive, you must protect your child as a first action while you resolve the problems. This may mean transfer to another school, independent study, your supervision at school as needed, etc. Their safety is paramount. You do not want to have your son or daughter end up like the boy in Philadelphia who was beaten by a group of kids and left hanging from a fence.
12) Attorney involvement at any point can also help.
The school will control what they do in response to the bullying, but you can influence them by providing a list of what you think will solve the problem.
Don't neglect this. Parents must take control to the degree they can, or their child may be left hanging beaten from a fence or worse.
Best,
Michelle Ball
Education Law Attorney
LAW OFFICE OF MICHELLE BALL
717 K Street, Suite 228
Sacramento, CA 95814
Phone: 916-444-9064
Fax: 916-444-1209
Website: http://www.edlaw4students.com/
Blog: http://edlaw4students.blogspot.com/
Twitter: http://twitter.com/michelleaball
> 60 days ago
