Dear Beckyrae,

There's an article on our website about helping children with school that I'll link to and quote from for you here:

For schools to foster learning, and for parents to support their children, we grown-ups need to see that the emotional needs of children are met both at home and in the schools.

Here are some specific ways to help children feel loved at home, and understood and respected at school, so their minds are clear enough to learn.

Children need large amounts of physical affection and closeness. Closeness fuels their confidence and frees their minds of worries about whether or not they're OK. If they're unsure about whether they're OK, they can't concentrate on learning.

Children learn best through play and hands-on activities. The best teacher is experience, experience, experience! We need classrooms in which children are doing things together, experimenting, and teaching each other what they've learned. In particular, free play without competition or pre-set rules is a great builder of children's intellect, imagination, and confidence. Jumping on the beds at home, chasing around the house, and wrestling and pillow fights (the children win, of course) are the kinds of personal, physical play that lift children's spirits and create enough fun that they can manage to stay hopeful even when days at school aren't inspiring. If life feels like drudgery, learning won't take place. So free play is vital. It keeps your child's spark of hope and interest alive.

Children need the freedom to make mistakes and ask questions without fear of shame or belittlement. Mistakes and "failures" teach as effectively as successes, as long as a child continues to be respected.

Children's keen sense of justice demands that they and others be treated thoughtfully and fairly. Fairness, to children, means limits but not anger, boundaries but not belittlement, facing problems but not attacking people for having problems.

I want to add that children need to feel safe, welcome and respected at school in order for them to be able to concentrate well on the task at hand. They need to feel connected to a caring adult before they are able to cooperate with ease. I'm confident that your son is good and that there are things you can do to help him with this. I would respectfully suggest that you set aside the punishments and rewards for a while and focus on laughing together some and see how that shifts things for you both.

Wishing you two all possible success and learning!

Juli Idleman
Hand in Hand Program Director
www.handinhandparenting.org