Expert Laura Kauffman has given a good answer, and a reasonable suggestion for defining sex. Of course sex is more than just the "act," and knowing how much to  describe is a tough decision for every parent. How to say the right thing for the child's age--not too much, not too little.

I agree with Laura that it is a good idea to find out what your daughter knows, and then take it from there.  What you did say was not at all wrong, and in fact was very true in thinking about sex as more than just intercourse.  You did not define intercourse and very likely did not need to at all. Depending on where your child is with her information, what you said may indeed be enough for now. Often parents get so scared of the question, they give a larger answer than they need to. Kids do not need too much knowledge when they are young.  At 11, however, the peers are already sharing information that they are exposed to in the media and from other kids.  As for "porn," it is amazing that an 11 yr old even knows the word, but today they hear a lot.

 Make sure there is nothing inappropriate going on that leads to the question about "porn."  Gentle questioning is best, not forcing answers,and never shaming. Again, it is best to know what she knows before you say much. Depending on what she tells you, your answer can be as simple as "inappropriate pictures of people."  If she asks, "Like what?" You might say, "without clothes on."  At 11 you might refrain from concepts like sexual exploitation, but be sure to help her know that it is not okay for anyone to ask to take a picture of her in that way.

This type of conversation also is connected to the important talk about never letting anyone touch her inappropriately and gently finding out if anyone has. There are many related topics here, such as precocious sexuality, std's and self-esteem, but your daughter will guide you by letting you know what she knows and what she needs to know, as she grows. Keep it simple. The opportunities to discuss these other topics will come along as time goes by. As Laura suggests, it is a good thing that she feels comfortable asking you.

You might also find it helpful to talk to other parents and see what their kids are asking and what they are telling them.  As a single parent you particularly need other adults with whom to consult.

You might also check with her school to find out what the curriculum is in the health classes.  Sometimes answers are given in an educational form that helps
a great deal. You can then tailor your answers to what she might be learning in school.

Keep the lines of communication open. Let her know you appreciate that she came to you and you want her to continue to ask and you will do the best you can to answer.  You can also buy yourself breathing time, by saying that you will think about her question and come back to her with an answer.
I like Laura's suggestion about finding a good time to talk, and her opening line is a good one.

Good luck.  Please share with us what you say and do because it will help a lot of parents!


Bette J. Freedson, LICSW, LCSW, CGP
Clinical Social Worker
JustAsk Expert
http://www.singlemomsos.com/index.html

Dear SingleMommy,

You are doing a wonderful job! You should be proud of the fact that your daughter is coming to you and asking you these difficult questions. It indicates that she feels comfortable with you and trusts that you will help provide the information and guidance she needs to grow and mature.

You will most likely have many conversations with your daughter on this topic, so you will have a number of opportunities to help her understand and explain your beliefs and values around sex.

Seek out a time in the day when you are both comfortable and initiate a conversation with her. You can say, "I was thinking about the question you asked the other day, and I don't think that I was very clear in my answer. I want to try again, but first, I want to hear about what you have heard and what you know about sex. What have you seen on TV? What have your friends said?" Then listen. Listen carefully and thoughtfully and allow her to share everything she has to say on the topic. Try not to interrupt or cut her off. Just listen. Remember, you want her to feel like it was a good idea to bring tough topics up with you.

When she has shared her understanding, you can ask follow-up questions. Empathize and normalize her feelings. Feel free to share some of your own questions and confusions at her age.

Then, start educating her. You can say, "I know it can be confusing, but here is what you should know about sex..." You have already started teaching her, but there is more for her to know. For instance, it will be important for her to know that sex is an physical act between two people that can lead to pregnancy and a baby. Feel free to add your beliefs and values here. You can let her know, "I am telling you about sex because you need to be educated, but I want you to know that I don't want you to become sexually involved with anyone until...XXX. Of course, I can't control you, but I want you to know how I feel about it and why."

If you aren't satisfied with the way the next conversation goes, you will always have another chance to discuss it again.

Good luck!


Warm regards,

Laura Kauffman, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
Education.com JustAsk Expert
http://www.drlaurakauffman.com/