Anonymous
asks:
Q:
How do I stop my daughter from dating this loser?
I am single father. My daughter is 16. She lives with me and goes to her mom's every other weekend. Her mom allows her to run wild on those 2 days. My daughter met a 17yo boy, who lives by her mother's home. I know she has known him about 3 months now. I believe they have had sex. He is a complete loser kid, no school or work, sells weed, wanna be homeboy. My kid's mom is no help, I have spoken to over and over about this kid, she basically allows our daughter to spend her whole weekend with this kid at the "party house" down the street. My daughter is now trying to pull away from me, doing anything so that I will let her stay at her mom's more, to see this boy. I want this kid gone! Any advice?
Member Added on Mar 28, 2010
Great help Doctor! Thank you so much! Okay so now what do I do when she is in my care and wants to go places with this kid? I mean do I even allow her to see him on my days?
In Topics:
Discipline and behavior challenges
> 60 days ago
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Best Answer!
what's this?from a fellow member
Additional Answers (1)
Time together and empathic conversation/listening can go a long way.
Kids often complain that parents don't listen to them; often it's true! We do need to listen more.
Start by commanding less and listening more. Try to establish empathy with her. Listen to understand 'feeling' as well as meaning, and use questions to check for understanding. Try to feel how she feels. Act (and genuinely become) accepting of her feelings and interested in her ideas. Don't be afraid to get mushy and share/show some of your feelings as well. From her perspective, she has been hurt by you (among others) so uncover some things you can apologize for and do it without being defensive (in general, eliminate defensiveness). Identify some of the positive things about her and let her know your proud (don't over do it though). Show appreciation, thank her for little things. Be genuine and remember, she's probably more like you than you and/or her realize.
Note: Be mindful that it's a process, not a one time band-aid. We dad's/husband's often like the straightforward answer, the quick simple solution that is so obvious we can taste it. Not in this case. The solution is the process.
When it comes to your future son-in-law (just kidding) some bargaining might work well here. When she is with you, perhaps the two of you could agree to spend some quality time together first, before she can go see him. Play a game together, go get some ice cream, do some shopping, or whatever father-daughter rituals you may have (or maybe start a tradition if you don't). If/when you can't spend time together first, then work it out so you don't miss that time together. Aah! Make time.
The most important thing to focus on is improving your relationship with each other. Whatever she has with that guy will go away soon enough. The better your relationship, the more she will be drawn to you in general, but especially when loser boy falls out of the picture.
Kids often complain that parents don't listen to them; often it's true! We do need to listen more.
Start by commanding less and listening more. Try to establish empathy with her. Listen to understand 'feeling' as well as meaning, and use questions to check for understanding. Try to feel how she feels. Act (and genuinely become) accepting of her feelings and interested in her ideas. Don't be afraid to get mushy and share/show some of your feelings as well. From her perspective, she has been hurt by you (among others) so uncover some things you can apologize for and do it without being defensive (in general, eliminate defensiveness). Identify some of the positive things about her and let her know your proud (don't over do it though). Show appreciation, thank her for little things. Be genuine and remember, she's probably more like you than you and/or her realize.
Note: Be mindful that it's a process, not a one time band-aid. We dad's/husband's often like the straightforward answer, the quick simple solution that is so obvious we can taste it. Not in this case. The solution is the process.
When it comes to your future son-in-law (just kidding) some bargaining might work well here. When she is with you, perhaps the two of you could agree to spend some quality time together first, before she can go see him. Play a game together, go get some ice cream, do some shopping, or whatever father-daughter rituals you may have (or maybe start a tradition if you don't). If/when you can't spend time together first, then work it out so you don't miss that time together. Aah! Make time.
The most important thing to focus on is improving your relationship with each other. Whatever she has with that guy will go away soon enough. The better your relationship, the more she will be drawn to you in general, but especially when loser boy falls out of the picture.
> 60 days ago
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