Hello and thank you for writing to JustAsk,

You are very mature to recognize that you need help with controlling your temper. I applaud you.

First, keep in mind that words are better than actions when it comes to anger management.  But, you need to rehearse the words in your head, wait to see if you can control the impulse to blurt out angry words, and then if you feel you must let someone know you are upset try do it in a way that is a calm environment and without an outburst.

Why, you may be wondering?

First- Physical outbursts solve nothing. They make the other person feel uncomfortable and often upset. You don't want to upset a friend or family member with a physical outburst. Or risk that the other person may turn physical on you.

Next- rehearsing what you will say will help to calm you down and also to allow yourself an opportunity to "edit" your words carefully. You cannot take back words once they leave you and are sent to another (this includes on social-media such as FACEBOOK, email or even if you non-verbal gestures or signs). You don't want to be become a bully or risk being bullied.

Once you are calm down and have formulated what to say then you can have a reasonable discussion. Such as:  Last night you left all my markers open. They cost a lot of money/ were important to me.. and now they are dry and I need to replace them.  Please do not do this again and please be more considerate of ALL my things as it upsets me when my personal belongings are not cared for by others.

Also.. I do not like when you play with bad sportsmanship. It is a game and sometimes there are winners and losers.  If you lose, that is OK- it is a game and we will have many others. If you don't like the game- let's switch to do something else that we both can enjoy which is not competitive such as building something, going for a run, etc.

And, if you feel that these strategies don't work or if you wish additional support- please go visit your school counselor. They are able to help guide you through a process for controlling your anger safely and in a way that is meaningful to you.

You may wish to check out the books by ANNIE FOX including: TOO STRESSED TO THINK and the MIDDLE SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL SERIES.

She also has a great website known as Hey Terra!  

Best wishes.

Louise Sattler, Psychologist