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Shynot2
Shynot2 , Caregiver, Parent asks:
Q:

I was just widowed 4 months ago, and I am having problems shifting from a two parent household to a single one. Does anyone have any suggestions?

My children were all very close to their father, who was the lenient one and their best friend.  How do I help them move forward and still maintain some level of control?
In Topics: Discipline and behavior challenges, Communicating with my child (The tough talks), Single parent families
> 60 days ago

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Expert

Boys Town National Hotline
Feb 25, 2009
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What the Expert Says:

I'm very sorry to hear that you are going through such a loss right now. I can't imagine the emotions that you and your children are feeling. A loss of that magnitude can be very hard to deal with for all family members.

When it comes to dealing with the loss of a parent, children need so much support and love. It sounds like you care very much about their well-being, and they're lucky to have such a concerned and supportive mom.

No doubt it will be a difficult transition into single parenthood. If you lead with love and logic, you are starting in the right place. Your children may or may not realize the additional stress and daily activity that will now be placed on you, so it may be a good idea to sit down and have a family meeting about what the new expectations will be in the house. You mentioned that your husband was the lenient one and more like their friend. Be empathetic of the fact that they lost their father and friend, but at the same time convey to them that they may not like all the decisions you make, but they have to respect them. Likely, they are feeling a bit vulnerable right now, and they need reassurance and consistency. Don't try to be their best friend right now, they need structure and the least amount of change possible. I'm sure they realize that you can't take the place of their father, but they are going to be looking to you for additional guidance and love especially if their father was a large emotional influence in their life. Give them as much of that as you possibly can. You can't take away their sadness, but you can give them comfort everyday.

If things get overwhelming or if you feel as if any of your children are handling this loss with exceptional difficulty, consider talking to a counselor. Their are many counselors that work with children who have lost a parent. Some cities even have specific grief centers for kids and teens. A great website is www.tedebearhollow.com. Ted. E. Bear Hollow is an organization in Omaha, Ne., but they also have resources for other cities in the U.S. If you are looking for something local call the number 211 and ask what local agencies have resources for grieving kids.

We hope this is a helpful start. Remember you can always call our hotline if you need to speak with a live crisis counselor.

Take Care!
Boys Town National Hotline
1-800-448-3000
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Additional Answers (4)

Redwood_City_Mom
Redwood_Cit... writes:
Dear Shynot2,

I am so sorry about your loss. I can't imagine how difficult this time must be for you.

I'm not a professional, but I think the best thing you can do right now is to give yourself and your kids a break. I'm sure the last four months have felt like an eternity to you as you've lived through this tragedy, but it's actually a very short amount of time. As I'm sure you've read, the experts suggest that even the most basic level of healing after this kind of loss takes about a year.

So of course, it's not ok for them to run wild or to behave in a way that makes your life tougher. But it is ok for you to give them a little extra space in their lives to deal with their loss however they need to.

I would guess that doing what you can to maintain a routine will be helpful for all of you (family dinners, bedtime routines, etc).

Most of all, I think it's important that you get as much support as you can. It's probably a good idea for you and your kids to work with a professional counselor or a grief support group. There are lots of organizations that offer these services and some are free. Unfortunately, you're not the first mom to go through this. Fortunately, that means there are moms out there who can give you great advice and support about how to get you and your kids on the road to recovery. Reaching out to this community is a great start.

I found an online grief support group that might be helpful - the link is below.

Good luck to you and your children...you're in my thoughts!
> 60 days ago

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ravindran
ravindran writes:
first you should not rasie your husband topics and diviating to your child in other fields like music and spots
> 60 days ago

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lynellen
lynellen writes:
I am so sorry for your loss.  Another good support group on line is www.griefshare.org.  They have groups for children and adults.  
A good bookk to help you with the Holidays is The Emtpy Chair: Handling Grief on Holidays and Special Occasions by Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge, R.N., Ed.D.  There are so many emotions that you will go through.  Give yourself time and have a good support group.  May the God of all comfort abundantly help you and your precious children.
> 60 days ago

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virendra
virendra writes:
Dear mam,
first of all, u should be a strong by ur heart.
whatever happened in ur life its worst.........apart from that trying be happy and give all the thing to ur children that they just forget @ their past life. if u have any suggestion mail me......best of luck.......
> 60 days ago

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