Am I wrong? My 22 year old daughter is going to get married to a guy that did not even asked my permission. This already made my mind up about him!

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strepie asks:

The guy is a South African that has moved abroad. My daughter is finishing her teaching degree. It is difficult to get a work permit for the UK. So I understood that she wanted to go but never ever thought that marriage would become the only option.
I am shocked. Not happy with her choice. My house has become a battle ground between the guys that support her (like her eldest sister) and then me the single parent that feels betrayed.
Well how does the saying goes? The one with the money is the one with power? Well this guy's dad is going to pay for everything. The boyfriend is a good organizer - he will practically fly to South Africa in February - get married and then fly away. I will never be able to see my daughter ...
Really I feel extremely offended by this - its affecting everything, I just want to cry the whole time. I can't study - my whole world is upside down. My mom died this year and it is practically just my dad that I can speak to. I am the only child. He is also sick - I worry so much about him as well. My whole house is in ruins because of this boy who never thinks about anyone except what he wants. And I am not just bad mouthing him. It is the opinion of his friends as well. He is ruthless really. So how can I feel happy about my daughter's decision?

In Topics: Discipline and behavior challenges

> 60 days ago

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Boys Town National Hotline

Sep 22, 2009

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What the Expert Says:

You may never feel happy about your daughters decision or any decisions that your children make. You have every right to be upset, betrayed, anxious, worried, etc; provided all that you are dealing with. In some ways, you are feeling like you are losing your daughter--but try and think of it as, you are gaining a son! It may be very difficult to get to this point; but you can.
This situation is very difficult and many parents share this frustration when they do not agree with the decisions their children make. However, it seems like financially, there is not going to be an issue for your daughter. Finances are always a concern when making a move and not to mention, a drastic move.
Gain some support for yourself. You mention you do talk with your father; you may find that if you can talk to him, about this situation--he may have felt the same way about you when a few years ago! It also seems that you are still grieving the loss of your mother. Grief has a way of affecting everybody so different. Make sure you are being patient with yourself and maybe talking to a counselor could help you cope with all of your feelings.
Try and talk to your daughter about your concerns. Let her know how you feel about this situation; but at the same time be supportive and encouraging her to remain connected, you love her and you want her to be happy.
Make the most of your time with her now and help her with her goals to prepare her to be so far away from you.

Best of Luck to you and your daughter!
Boys Town National Hotline
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Additional Answers (4)

Windy1 , Child Professional, Parent writes:

My advice to you is to let your daughter live her life. We can't control what our children do. We can only love them-especially after a certain age.

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Nicole780 writes:

First of all it"s not your choice who she dates or get married to. You can see her you can go to her . Maybe she wants to be there. She is a grown women now so you cant control what she wants to do . I understand the death of your mother but let her live her life the way she wants before her death and i"m not trying to be disrespectful . But i do understand you care for her and want her to be around. I do understand about you wanting to be safe and etc. Let her live her life the way she wants to cause wants your gone your gone and you never get that chance to do what you want anymore . Just let her be just call her and talk to her about visiting and etc. But like i was saying you are her mother remember how you used to be able to tell her want to do maybe she is tired of it but one thing i doubt is she never coming back to see you. One thing i know is that she loves you and i know how you feel i would be upset if my daughter left me to . Give her some time she will come back to visit you.

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saacnmama writes:

My story raises some issues your daughter might want to think about. When I was 27, I married a 30-yr old guy from Germany. We had known eachother for several years, I had lived with him in Germany for 6 mos, he had visited me for several months in the US, we wanted to stay together and the INS made marriage the easiest option. It didn't take too long for him to want to go home (which I think is a normal part of being an expat) so he left me. By the time I had my own money together to follow, 6 mos later, it was all over between us.
Does the fiance want things to go well for your daughter? If so, then getting what he wants will be good for her. In any event, being well organized is certainly a plus.
If you're angry and arguing with your daughter, it will be hard for her to listen to anything you say, even if she wants your assistance. Can you do something fun with her that either takes both your minds off the topic, or can you accept that she is making a decision that legally is hers to make and offer to go along on a wedding-related shopping trip?
As far as the relationship with your new SIL; does he understand why you're hurt, that you don't hate him, but you will miss your daughter terribly and that, even if it is a formality, parents like to be asked for permission? You might want to invite him to coffee and an upbeat conversation in which you discuss becoming part of an extended family.

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hopefulness writes:

No! Your noy wrong I think a guy should always ask the parent could they have their daughter hand in marriage but if she go threw with you have to stick by her cause thats her choice

> 60 days ago

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