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WorriedMominNY
WorriedMomi... asks:
Q:

Is there something wrong with my son that he doesn't keep friends long and never really gets called for play dates?

My son is 9 years old. There are lots of kids in our neighborhood in his grade. I have recently noticed that they all play with each other and do not ask him to play with them. He only gets calls for playdates once in a while from kids at school. When he does have schoolmate playdates I am the one who does the calling and sets up the playdate at my house but then no reciprocation. He does play with a few kids from other areas of our neighborhood because my husband and I are friends with the parents. Lately these children are becoming friends with the these local kids and are getting closer, having playdates and sleepovers. My son is being left out and although he acts like it doesn't bother him, I can tell that it does. I told my husband I don't want to continue friendships with our friends anymore because it breaks my heart to hear all about these playdates and sleepovers that my son is being left out of. Is there something wrong with me that I get so mad and feel so sorry for him? Am I wrong for not wanting to continue friendships with our friends? How would I look if I mentioned something to my friends about this? I don't expect my son to be mr. popularity but I do want him to enjoy his childhood and have a few good friends who at least want to play with him. I had a lot of the same issues growing up and there were times I just wanted to crawl under a shell and die. I don't want this for him.  Please help with some advice!! Thanks
In Topics: Friendships and peer relationships
> 60 days ago

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jindy
jindy writes:
I have been experiencing the same exact problem for several years and my son is 12.  It is getting worse.  I have tried taking kids to movies, having swim parties, taking kids to DQ, etc and they go but NEVER does anyone call my son.  My son is a straight a student, is very kind friendly and outgoing.  Teachers LOVE him and have sent us emails how they have never met such a great kid.  I don't understand it and it has worried me for a couple years now.  Tonight I finally found out that it is bothering my son as he told me no one likes him or will like him and he was crying.  My friends also talk openly in front of me about all the parties their son goes to and my son who is supposedly his friend is never included.  Has never been invited to sleep overs, never gets invited to birthday parties, etc.  It's horrible.  He knows all these people get to go and he doesn't.  He also realizes where he sits on the middle school food chain and it isn't at the top.  He wished we could move so he could get a fresh start.  Help me please someone because this is killing me to see the most wonderful boy in the world hurting like this.........
> 60 days ago

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mynameisgarrett
mynameisgar... writes:
Hey guys, my son is 15 years old, a completely normal teen, and a really good kid. My son plays JV high school football & hockey, and plays double a baseball as a shortstop, my son is very athletic and a very outgoing kid, but, he barely ever leaves the house and hangs out with friends. This is just coming off the summer, and he only hung out with friends about 10 times, and one day after coming home from the mall, I noticed he was very upset, he told me that he has no friends, and started to cry, I asked him why he doesn't, and he wouldn't tell me, after about an hour of talking he told me that all's his friends want to do is smoke up and party, but my son doesn't want to do any of that, so his "friends" ditched him and don't want to hang out anymore, he showed me his texts, and his friends are now texting him nasty messages and bullying him. It is now September and after being an all star football player last year he doesn't want to play football anymore because he's scared of getting hazed by his a##hole friends. I told him that they are not good friends nor good kids and not to worry, but he seems so depressed and I dont know what else to do, any help????
> 60 days ago

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Momof2boyss
Momof2boyss writes:
I must say it is good to know I'm not the only one. My son is just turning 15 in a couple weeks. He is a great kid very well mannered makes pretty good grades and seems to have a fair amount of friends at school. His two best friends are the most popular guys in school. My son plays baseball and football.  He is Handsome or at least I think so. His two friends which are at my house a lot. They get invited to all the other in crowd functions they get all the popular girls and yet my son never gets invited anywhere. I just do not get it. Now my son will tell me oh I don't like that kid he is always in trouble or that kid is a pothead ect. Now don't get me wrong I'm glad he's not hanging in a bad crowd. I just feel so bad for him I see it getting him down being stuck at home every weekend with us while his two good friends are out having a great time getting invited every where. I don't know what or how to help him???
> 60 days ago

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Boys Town National Hotline
This is such a tough situation as a parent.  You want your child to be happy, included and valued by his peers.  Every parent faces some level of this concern whether it's regarding friends, sports teams, academics, etc.  Here are a couple of things for you to consider:
1.  Does it bother him? If not, then try and put things in perspective with your own feelings.  Relax and see if things are different in a few months.
2. If it does bother him, ask him what he thinks the problem is.  You may find that he is making good choices with who he wants to hang around.
3. Objectively observe his behaviors when he is around other kids.  Is there anything he says or does that might be a turn off to the other kids? If you notice things, try to teach to the behavior afterward.
4.  Understand that some kids are independent and don't require a large circle of friends, he may be one of those kids.
5. How does he get along with other kids at school? Sometimes teachers have great insight in kids' relationships.
6. If you feel comfortable with one of your friends, ask for her input.  Approach it in a way where you are not criticizing or angry, but that you have noticed what is going on and want to help your son if their are behaviors that he needs to work on.
Above all, maintain your friendships regardless of what is going on with your kids' friendships.  Kids aren't always going to get along with each other, but may be best of friends again tomorrow.  Don't paint yourself into a corner or isolate yourselves because of what is going on with your son.  It won't help you or him in the long run.
In the meantime, spend time with your son. Support him and make him feel good about himself--your love and encouragement will be key as he is goes through the many ups and downs of growing up!
> 60 days ago

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itinary
itinary writes:
I think this is a part of his personality. Friends come based on one's perception and personality. You do not want to push him too much to play with friends if it is not bothering him My son is turning 8 and he always changes his friends. But whoever we ask, they all like him. I would suggest engage him in some group games. Find his natural interests. Lots of big thinkers in the history were having very little friendships.
> 60 days ago

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smart-shamim
smart-shamim , Student writes:
are you sure that he doesn't lies his friends? or maybe fight with them?
you'd better talk with his school's principal that might help.
> 60 days ago

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FrazzledLovingMom
FrazzledLov... writes:
Hi, I am the proud mommy of three sons ages 8, 5, and 3.  I googled "children love coming to my house but NEVER invite my kids over to theirs"- and this thread was a top hit.  The thing with me is that my older kids do have friends; however, it always seems that playdates and visits only occur at my house.  One child in particular has been to our house over 20 times throughout the past couple of years...maybe more.  During the county fair, i somehow always get stuck with said child.....whether it be watching them as his oblivious parents tend to their own affairs, and then having to take this child to the carnival (which CAN get expensive) - and may i add that this has happened two years in a row.  I don't mean to be cruel.  I love this child, although he has a reputation for being quite rambunctious and a trouble maker.  I can't say that I've ever had a major problem with him.  My issue is that his parents are taking advantage of me and my kindness.  Just today, as I was picking up my older kids from school, there was the little boy.....clinging on to my 8 year old asking him to ask me if he could come over to my house.  UUGGHHHHH!  I ended up raising my voice and telling my son, "WHEN HAS HE EVER INVITED YOU TO HIS HOUSE??? NEVER!!!!  IT'S NOT FAIR!!!  TELL HIM TO TELL HIS MOM THAT IT'S HIS AND HER TURN TO HAVE YOU OVER FOR ONCE!!!"  I immediately felt awful.  My little boy doesn't understand the unwritten laws of our society.  That it is polite to reciprocate when others do nice things for you.  Don't get me wrong, I am fully aware that this isn't necessarily a MUST....yet, it would be nice.  But this one little boy isn't the only one.  So many other kids LOVE coming to my house to play with my kids.  I provide a safe and fun environment so maybe that's what attracts them to us; however, I can't understand why my children always have to be the "hosts."  Okay...rant over.

P.S. My children are well behaved and I'd like to believe that my husband and I have taught them to respect their elders and/or people of authority and to be kind and gentle with their peers.  So before I get the "maybe your kids are hard to deal with" - the answer is "no."
33 days ago

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