Parenting Adolescents

Like the Terrible Twos

The adolescent years have been compared to the “terrible twos”. Teens often exhibit the same challenging behaviors of two-year-olds. Some will test us regularly as they begin to grow up and become independent. They may be non-compliant and demonstrate a lack of follow through. Teens may often react to parents’ expectations with arguing or selective inattention. There are several things parents can do to help both themselves and their children work through the teens years. This takes lots of time, practice and patience. 

• Set clear limits. Be specific.
• Be consistent.
• Let your teen know when he or she has done something positive.
• Stay strong and firm.
• Set age appropriate rules.
• Set age appropriate consequences.
• Follow through with both rewards and consequences.  Consequences should be clear, age appropriate and time limited. It is helpful to avoid saying things like, “You’ll never go out again”. Clearly state something such as, “Because you did not respect your curfew this week. you will need to stay home after school for the next week.” Clarify what other privileges or consequences are going to be (for example, no television, no computer, limited use of either, etc.). If your teen is told that he or she can stay at a friend’s house over the weekend if all stated expectations are met, follow through with this privilege. This again builds trust and allows your child to trust you too.
• Use “time outs” as needed, for both you and your child.
• Avoid empty threats such as “You’ll never go out again” or “ I’ll call the police”.
• Spend time with your child.
• Reinforce your expectations regularly.

It’s important to remember that you are not your child’s friend. You can develop a relationship with respect , understanding and love. You are the boss of your home and do get to make decisions and set limits. Make sure your teen clearly understands expectations at home, in school, and in the community.

Discuss privileges for follow through with expectations. Discuss consequences for lack of follow through with expectations. As the parent regularly follow through with both privileges and consequences. Stay strong and be consistent.

Expect your child to “moan and groan” initially if there is a consequence for negative behavior or a new expectation. It takes time, patience and practice to have teens understand rules and follow through. Sometimes either you or your child may need a “time out”. This can be taking a walk or going to a different room. Discuss things again after the time out.

Remember that it takes many efforts to learn a new behavior. Be patient. Practice setting expectations regularly. Be patient some more.

When Your Teen Is Going Out

When your teen is going out set specific guidelines:

• Know your children’s friends 
• Know where your children are going when they leave the house 
• Know who they will be with. 
• Know what they will be doing. 
• Know when they are expected home. 
• Set up check in times with your teen.

Adolescents really do want time and attention from their parents. Plan a game night, movie or other activity you both enjoy. Try to make this a regular activity, such as once a week. Ask your child what he or she would like to do. This can be as simple as going out for fast food. Your child will really appreciate the individual time and attention. Make sure you follow through with this if you set up a planned activity with your child.

Parents also need their own time and that is okay. Use your support systems often, including friends, community resources, churches etc. Plan time for yourself on a regular basis. Do something you enjoy regularly.

Key Points

Remember these key points:

• Be patient. 
• Be consistent.
• Praise your child. 
• Follow through regularly.
• Spend one on one time with your child. 
• Enjoy your children.