Balancing Stress and Success

We live in a pressured world, and we want our children to be successful. It sometimes seems like our kids have to be athletes, play an instrument, be involved in community service activities and excel in school just to be "average."

Many parents are struggling with the desire to be good parents, provide opportunities to our children that we did not have, and give them a chance to be the best they can be. However, in the process, we and our children are likely to experience a lot of stress, and we are likely to feel that we do not communicate with our children as much as we would like to, or about the things that we should. Parents need resources and strategies for effective parent-child communication, which is the focus of this section.

I invite you to explore how to balance stress and success, while at the same time making a commitment to communicate more with your children. Try the activities below to get your mind thinking about your children, and then go talk to them.

Activity A -- What stresses your children?

Please get out a piece of paper, draw a line down the center and only use one side -- the second side is for you to get your child's perspective. After you do this activity, fold the paper and ask your child to complete his or her half, then compare answers. The process will make for an interesting conversation.

Now, write down five things that cause your child stress, in order of importance (how much stress they cause).

What were some of the things you put as the biggest "stressors" for your kids? I assume many of the answers are related to difficulty in balancing activities and doing too much. That is not rocket science -- their lives mirror ours.

Did anyone put down "parents"? I am sorry to say that parents often cause much stress -- because we are too pushy or nosy, or put too much pressure on our kids.

Activity B -- Quality Time

Please write down the last time that you just "hung out" with your eldest child -- not doing anything, just hanging out listening to music, watching clouds or the ocean, just talking? Not washing the dishes, folding the laundry, driving, shopping or anything else.

There is quite a bit of research out there that suggests that family time should be as important as education, athletics, community service, music, dance, social activities and other outside commitments. There is plenty of support for the idea that kids need time to talk with parents, as well as some unstructured time each day to "process" what they are learning, not to mention that preteens and teenagers need about 10 hours of sleep each night.

You can help reduce stress by making time to spend with your child, time during which you just hang out with him or her -- shoot hoops, read, cook, talk, sit, walk, play cards, anything. This time tells children that you find them interesting and worthwhile, which will boost their self-esteem. This is also the prime time that kids will ask parents questions. My kids seem to prefer the grocery store line, and when we are having "tea," which I have figured out is code for "mom hasn't dropped out of warp speed." Grab the tray and turn on the kettle. Twenty minutes of tea, with a fresh flower on the table and a cookie -- and our evening is off to a much better start.

Use the rest of the sheet of paper you have to make a list of things you can try to provide more time with your children. Do not be disheartened if you try a few and they are duds. Just keep trying -- your children will appreciate the effort.

A big bonus is that "hanging out" time is actually very relaxing for you, too.

Remember, when weighing the value of the time you spend, that hanging out together is important for opening up communication. It may take a while before they talk, but they will.