To Be or Not to Bully

My 4th grade year was an especially difficult time for me. My parents had recently separated. My kid brother, Ronnie, tragically drowned during our summer vacation. My mother, my siblings, and I moved to a new neighborhood which meant that I had to attend a new school—my third in as many years. And then there was this kid named Zelmer…

I met Zelmer during my first day of the 4th grade, or, more accurately, Zelmer “met” me. You see, he had an “important” role in the 4th grade world. He was the class bully and he and his side “kicker,” Eugene, approached me during my first trip to the playground. Zelmer was a kid of few words. He was a boy of action and he made it pretty clear that he did not like me and that when the last class bell tolled, I would be “his.” Fortunately, Zelmer’s approach to bullying was similar to that of a lion surveying prey on the Serengeti. He generally attacked the slow; on that day I was quick, and therefore lived to play another day.

I had not thought much about Zelmer over the years, but I was reminded of him when one of my sons was in the 6th grade. We were having a family dinner and our normally talkative son was unusually quiet. When I asked him what was wrong, he said “nothing,” but eventually he burst into tears. He had met the “son of Zelmer” and was struggling with how to handle the situation. Apparently, this bully would frequently push my son from behind, knock books out of my son’s hands, etc., and the situation was growing worse as time passed.

I was quite tempted to go up to the school and deal with the kid personally. Fortunately, I didn’t, or someone else would probably be president of the National Fatherhood Initiative. I knew that this was not the last “Zelmer” that my son was going to encounter and he needed to know how to deal with bullies. Once my son was able to compose himself, we discussed strategies on how to handle the situation.

Bullying is something most children will encounter in some form: name-calling, being picked on, or worse. There is a temptation, especially as dads, to say, “What’s the big deal?” or “Isn’t this just innocent kids’ stuff?” The fact is that all forms of bullying are abusive and can leave pain that affects our children even when they become adults.

Dads have a unique and important role to play in helping their kids deal with bullies. Social science data shows that children with involved dads are more likely to exhibit prosocial behavior, like proper impulse control and good conflict resolution skills and thereby, be less likely to bully or be a target. So if your kid is being bullied, consider these things:

1. Get involved…early—As soon as your children begin to interact with others, begin to teach them how to deal with bullies. Remember, children generally do not learn to solve these kinds of problems by themselves.

2. Bullies need love, too—Despite your frustration or anger when you learn that your child is being bullied, remember that the bully is a kid, too. Bullies are very often children who have been bullied or abused themselves. They may be experiencing a life situation that leaves them feeling helpless and out of control. Since they can’t control life, they want to control your child.