Big Kids with Big Feelings (continued)

Then, when feelings begin to fly (and they will as you make it safer with this uninterrupted attention), move closer and keep listening. Don’t argue or try to reason. Just let her know you’re sorry she has to feel this badly. And if she gets aggressive, do whatever you need to do to make sure she can’t hurt you. She wants to cry and tremble, but she may have to use her strength for a time before she can open up such a vulnerable spot. So you may have to provide some resistance to help her get that positive “I am going to fight for my life!” energy going. She’s fighting to get to big feelings, but it looks like she’s fighting you. For instance, if she’s trying to shut you out of her room, put your foot in the door before it slams, and let her push as hard as she can against you. Our you could hold up a big pillow between you and her, so that as she fights, she lands blows that aren’t damaging because of the awkward angle and the increased distance held between you and her. Or you might even direct her: “I can’t let you hurt me, and I see that you’re fuming, so just pretend that this bed is me. Here’s Johnny’s plastic bat—let me see what you feel like doing.”

The energy she expends will help her to finally release a flood of tears and perhaps some trembling, the signs that old feelings are beginning to release their hold on her mind. She won’t give you any indication that she’s healing until she’s finished with this emotional episode, but if you can ride it out, you’ll see a big change in attitude when it’s over.

In any case, asking a child to stop being intensely upset doesn’t usually do much good. The child’s mind has been commandeered by an intense fight-or-flight reaction, and reason doesn’t penetrate at all while that feeling is hot. It’s good for children who have been frightened for a long time to fight for themselves. They don’t want to hurt anyone. They just want to do battle—there’s some old battle that they feel like they lost, and they need to recover their sense of power. It’s the parent’s job to try to help the child get to the root feelings by hanging in there, managing safety, and remaining conscious that is a necessary stage that can open up big feelings of helplessness, aloneness, despair, and fright. Once opened and worked through, your child will feel much better.

One interesting thing I’ve found is that young people can work through their feelings of anger and the underlying fear and grief much more quickly if their parent will find a listener, and release their own feelings that stem from that earlier time. You can learn more about this in our booklet on Listening Partnerships for Parents.  For instance, if the child witnessed angry times in the family when she was very young, it will help her to heal if her parent will find a listener and work through his own feelings about those particular times. Without taking this step, they can tell that we feel too worried, too angry, too guilty, or too exhausted to handle the feelings they want and need to release.

Your first step would be to concentrate on How Special Time Works with Teens and bringing more lighthearted fun to your family. Then, get some listening time to increase the support you feel. Things will move forward from there.

Patty
 

Patricia Wipfler
Director
Hand in Hand 
P.O. Box 1279
Palo Alto, CA 94302

(650) 322-5323
fax (650) 322-5179