Binuclear Family (continued)

On the other hand, if we believe that they are successfully solving important problems and gaining valuable new skills and abilities, we make it easier for children to have confidence in themselves and their ability to overcome obstacles. These research findings and observations suggest that we need a new perspective on divorce. Rather than writing these children off as wounded victims, we must understand how parents can help their children thrive rather than flounder after a divorce.

The lessons of divorce

In general, parents don't divorce unless there are deep, unbridgeable differences between them. In my case, full of idealism, I married a man from a radically different religious and cultural background. I came from a family of intellectual Jewish refugees; he came from a Mennonite family who eschewed cars and plowed its small farm with a horse. Still, we felt at first that we had so much in common that these things were insignificant. Over time, however, problems arose between us because of the fundamentally different things that we each needed and wanted out of life and a relationship.

Profound, irrevocable differences like these are behind many divorces. Were it possible to resolve these differences, most parents would choose to stay together and avoid the anguish and difficulties of dividing the family. After the divorce, these differences can finally flourish. That is what the parents need. But it creates a new set of problems for the children.

After a divorce, children no longer live in a world where there is one agreed–upon set of rules, values, or beliefs. Suddenly there are two sets of rules about bedtime, bath time, homework, TV, movies, video games, hugs, table manners, good behavior, and bad behavior. In one house you must attend church; in the other religion is disregarded. In one you must always say please, thank you, hello, goodbye, and ask permission to go out; in the other these things are not necessary. In one house it is a sign of being a "goody–two–shoes" to worry about arriving to school on time and getting each assignment in promptly, while in the other these are required. The two homes are in fact two different cultures, and because of this, children in "binuclear" post–divorce families become adept at living in two worlds. They are forced to recognize that there is more than one right way to do things and that they had better learn very quickly what the rules are in each milieu so that they don't upset either parent or get into trouble.

I remember my son as a 13–year–old, my daughter as a fourth grader. They were faced with conflicts of loyalty that permeated their lives on a daily basis. My daughter expressed her anxiety by withdrawing into herself, attempting to placate the powers in her life through accommodation, whereas my son shifted the focus through rambunctious or irritable behavior. They both did the best they could. When businessmen travel, they receive guides to the basic rules of behavior in each culture they visit. Children do not. They must figure it out themselves, and frequently the adults in their lives deny that such a problem even exists.

Despite these challenges, if attentive parents skillfully negotiate it, the experience of living in two family cultures can teach children important skills. Interestingly, these skills encompass both traditionally "masculine" and "feminine" attributes. Both boys and girls in post–divorce families must learn to be diplomatic, sensitive to others' needs, persuasive, empathic, nurturing, multitasking, resilient in new situations, independent, self–confident, and self–aware. For my children, both now successful adults, it means they like living abroad from time to time and enjoy traveling. They have no trouble adapting to new cultures, whether at college or at the in–laws' house, abroad or in the workplace. They quickly and easily adjust to new jobs, with different demands and workplace environments. It is second nature to them to quickly read and assess new situations, figure out how they work, and how to become valued assets in them. They take moving across the country, or the globe, in stride, and their friends often turn to them when in need of emotional insight and support. Like so many other children of divorce, they are succeeding where our culture expects them to fail.

Additionally, in my experience and in that of researchers across the ideological spectrum, living in two divergent cultures causes children to become self–reflective and autonomous thinkers. Each parent's point of view must be considered and evaluated, though they are often at odds with each other. As a result, children quickly learn that there are at least two valid points of view on almost every issue, and it is up to him or her to decide which ones make the most sense. Such children are forced to develop ethics and opinions of their own, based on their own perceptions and experiences. In the same way, in each household these children are likely to be viewed and evaluated in dissimilar ways, since each parent values traits differently. As a result, they cannot fully accept the self–image imposed on them by either parent, but instead must develop a sense of identity that is uniquely their own.