Binuclear Family (continued)

Growing up differently

Children learn what it is to be a man or a woman in large part by watching their parents, and the children of divorce observe things that most of their peers do not: They see their fathers acting as primary caretakers, and their mothers as heads of households.

Because of this, my son is in many ways a very different man from his father, or either of his grandfathers. My ex–husband and I both had very old–fashioned fathers. They were not involved in day–to–day child rearing. Occasionally they disciplined us, or tried to teach us something about the world or some life skills. But both men subscribed to essentially 19th–century roles as fathers.

Before the divorce, my ex–husband and I also delegated household tasks along traditional lines. I was in charge of caring for the children, cooking meals, etc., while he did house repairs and yard work. To our children, my ex–husband was a relatively distant figure who had little to do with their daily lives—not because of lack of love or caring, but because that was how he was taught to be a father.

All this changed with the divorce. For the first time, my ex–husband was confronted with being a parent who was responsible for all aspects of the children's lives. This was not easy for him. He had absolutely no role models, background, or training for this. He wanted badly to be fully engaged in the children's lives: take them to school, help with homework, provide meals, and so on. But he had to invent the whole thing from scratch. As a devoted father who was determined to maintain his relationship with the children and to provide for their needs, he had to struggle. At first the task was overwhelming, but gradually he found a way to be a different kind of father than he had been during our marriage. Although certain kinds of empathy and nurturing behavior are still difficult for him, he learned to meet many of the children's needs that had previously been out of his sphere. From this example, my son learned how to be a parent in ways that his own father was never taught as a child.

At the same time, my daughter watched me support my family while remaining first and foremost a mother. She has seen me juggle a full–time career with childcare and domestic tasks. In addition to cooking dinner and sewing buttons, I taught her how to change a flat tire, balance a checkbook, and fix a leaky faucet. She has seen me take on the tremendous risk of starting over as a divorced mother with two young children —and succeed because of it. As an adult, my daughter is independent, adventurous, and assertive when the situation calls for it. She does not believe she needs a man to take care of her, or that she will need to choose between a career and a family.

Challenges for parents

Researchers of all stripes have found that most, if not all, of the problems blamed on divorce (other than those caused by poverty) are actually attributable to a lack of warm, consistent, attentive, authoritative, and respectful parenting. In order to maintain children's self–confidence and teach them the self–control that they need to thrive, parents must set and enforce boundaries; this is particularly true for boys, who often have greater difficulty learning self–regulation than girls. It is self–control and self–confidence that enable children to make use of the skills they learn in a binuclear family.

Many post–divorce families have been paralyzed by parents' negative assumptions about divorce and their feelings of guilt. It is not that they are wrong to believe that divorce has been a painful experience: Divorce is difficult for most, if not all, children. The problem is that these parents sometimes forget what their children need. For in many ways, children in divorced families need the same things as children in every other kind of family: love, structure, consistent and reasonable boundaries, and for their parents to believe that they are not damaged individuals. As Mavis Hetherington, the author of the largest longitudinal study ever conducted on children in divorced families, points out in her book For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered:

Coping with the challenges of divorce and life in a single–parent family seems actually to enhance the ability of some children to deal with future stresses. But children can't cope alone; there needs to be a supportive adult in their lives to help buffer them from adversity.