Binuclear Family (continued)

As in any family, rules should be few but important; parents must establish firm, logical consequences for their children's behavior. For example, if children (without a learning disability) are not maintaining at least a "C" average in school, clearly they need to spend more time on homework. Therefore, parents should restrict the time they devote to other pleasures until their grades improve. On the other hand, parents should notice and praise any and all progress toward the goals they set, even the smallest ones —for example, improving from a "D+" to a "C–".

Divorced parents often have concerns about these kinds of rules. They cannot bear to deny their children any pleasure after all the pain the divorce has caused them. Parents fear that enforcing rules like these will simply cause the child to endure further losses, or that the other parent, who may not enforce such rules, will be more beloved. However, even if only one parent provides this kind of structure, it will be enough to make a positive difference in a child's life. As Hetherington notes, "An involved, supportive, firm custodial mother is often able to counter adverse effects of both the lack of a father and poverty."

What matters is that children know that someone cares about and respects them enough to pay attention to their behavior and to set boundaries that protect their well–being and development.

Given the right sort of parenting, children who grow up in binuclear families gain a unique opportunity. Our society is changing at an ever–accelerating pace, and we now live in a global service economy. Many have documented the attributes needed to excel in such a society; borrowing from the work of psychologist and cultural commentator Daniel Goleman, these traits include empathy, emotional awareness, self–confidence, self–control, social deftness, persuasiveness, resilience, cooperation, and adaptability.

This list of traits closely matches those learned by children of both genders growing up in binuclear families, especially those fortunate enough to have caring, authoritative parents. Given the premium on these abilities, children from binuclear families may actually be at an advantage later in life. They will have been forced to develop a skill set that will enable them to be uniquely competent partners, parents, and professionals. Their futures can be bright —not in spite of but because of what they have endured.

Ruth Bettelheim, Ph.D, has been a practicing psychotherapist, marriage and family counselor, and lecturer for over 40 years, and has taught courses on child development at the Claremont Graduate School and the California School for Professional Psychology. Her essay was written with the input of her two children, Aurelia and Matthew Flaming. It was adapted from her contribution to the essay collection What Makes a Man, edited by Rebecca Walker. Used by permission of Riverhead Books, an imprint of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

Copyright UC Regents. Reprinted with permission from Greater Good magazine, Volume IV Issue 2 (Fall 2007). For more information, please visit www.greatergoodmag.org.