Co-parenting After a Separation or Divorce (continued)

Your Actions

• Keep the discussion simple and straightforward
• Try to model the cooperative relationship you strive for as co-parents: stay reasonable, keep conflict to a minimum and don’t discuss each other’s problems or faults
• Don’t give mixed signals by being overly friendly with each other. Make it clear that the decision is definite and that reconciliation is not an option.

Content

• Assure the children that you both will continue to love them and be a part of their lives
• Tell them that the divorce or separation is not their fault
• Tell them they will not have to take sides and are not expected to choose one parent over the other

Acknowledge that feelings of hurt, anger, guilt or fear are part of the process, and that it’s OK to talk about these feelings.

• Let them know the extent that you expect to provide continuity in their lives (for example, if they are going to stay in the same school, or the same neighborhood, or continue to visit grandma on Saturdays).
• Assure them that they will be provided for, though there may be some financial hardships having two households to support instead of one

If you find you are having difficulty implementing a cooperative relationship with your ex, you can benefit by going to a professional therapist or connecting with services that are offered at little or no cost through family service organizations or religious groups. There is also a great deal of useful information online with details on specific co-parenting issues.

Co-parenting guidelines

There are numerous issues that will need to be worked out through discussions between the parents. Ideally it will be possible to keep some of the children’s familiar routines or patterns while developing new ones with the change to two separate households. Parents should discuss decision-making rights and responsibilities with regard to their children, and have a means set up for dispute resolution in case it is needed. Major areas for co-parents to plan for:

• Custody or visitation schedule
• Education
• Finances
• Children’s medical needs or concerns
• Discipline and household rules
• Holidays and special events

Each of these areas is addressed in sections below. Any good co-parenting plan will have to allow for flexibility--for changing needs and circumstances. The Online Resources below include articles on developing a co-parenting plan.

Some states have made this mandatory; for example, Missouri requires filing a parenting plan with the court as a part of the divorce process. (See Developing a Parenting Plan: A Guide for Divorcing Parents.)

Co-parenting tips for custody and visitation schedules

First of all, divorcing parents must work out a schedule that is fair and practical, and that takes into consideration each parent’s strengths and availability. 

• Establish a routine for visitation and transfer from one household to the other.
• Stick with your schedule but prepare to be flexible: for example, events with the mother’s family should be planned during the mother’s regular visitation times, but if a special occasion does occur during the father’s usual visitation time, the child should be encouraged to participate.
• Each parent should be supportive of continuing contact with extended family such as cousins or grandparents.
• Help children feel a sense of belonging in each home: Consider having a set of clothing, personal items and toys for your child at each parent's home, to avoid problems with forgotten items.
• Prepare for transfer times: have a place where kids can put items they want to take to the other parent's home. Be prompt and respectful of each other as children are transferring from one parent to the other.
• Don’t use transfer times for adult discussions: discuss issues separately on the phone or through letters or email. If it is necessary to exchange basic information such as a child needing to take a medication, consider putting it in writing and discussing it before the actual transfer.
• Allow your children time to adjust in each household. To the extent possible, parents should adopt similar guidelines about such items as discipline and bedtimes, but there are bound to be some differences in rules or routines and these should be openly acknowledged. When your child first arrives at your home, try to gauge the best way for the child to ease back into your home whether it’s some alone time, or playing a game or going for a walk with you.

Co-parenting guidelines for managing our children’s education

Considering that children spend a large amount of time in school or doing school-related activities, you will want to work with your ex to make those experiences positive ones. Sometimes teachers and staff members play a major role in maintaining a stable environment for your kids. Let them know about changes in your child’s living situation. Here are some guidelines for co-parents: