Staying connected isn't easy. In many families each member goes off in a different direction: work, school, after-school and social programs, and many other activities. Statistics tell us that Americans spend 40 minutes a week playing with their children, and members of working couples talk to one another an average of only 12 minutes a day. Kids spend more and more time in after school activities-sports, hobbies, clubs, and religious instruction. Fitting in family time is becoming harder and harder. In the past 20 years structured sports time has doubled, family dinners have declined 33% and family vacations have decreased 28%. As parents are working harder and longer and kids' schedules are more and more crowded, there is a decline in ordinary family togetherness such as talking during mealtime or going to family celebrations.
Are kids being short-changed? Are they missing out on the experiences that family connections provide? Studies tell us that depression, anxiety, substance abuse among children and adolescents have increased significantly. Is there a connection? The good news is that parents can make a difference. Numerous polls have shown that teens want more, not less, time with their parents and value their parents' opinions. Studies also show us that parent involvement has positive effects on adolescent tobacco use, depression, eating disorders, academic achievement, and other problems
What is parent-child connectedness?
It's an emotional and mutual bond based on warmth and trust that starts early and has a powerful impact on a child's development. As the child grows, connectedness happens in different ways. In the early years the parent-child connection means touching, feeding, guiding beginning language and social/emotional development. Connections keep expanding and changing and by the pre- and teen-age years connection means sharing thoughts and ideas, problem-solving together, respecting autonomy. During these years parents and adolescents find the delicate balance between staying connected and letting go.
Keeping connectedness ongoing-start with family meals
Family meals are becoming a lost ritual, and since their benefits are extensive, it's important to get them back. A report issued by CASA (National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University) found that teens that have two or fewer family dinners per week are twice as likely to smoke daily and to get drunk monthly compared to teens who have family dinners five times per week
The menu in family meals may not be varied but the shared time, even if it doesn't happen every night, is invaluable. As family members take off in different directions, sharing meals can be a time to regroup. Family meals provide a safe place where everyone can talk about their day, listen to each other, and try out ideas. Meal time is not only about food; it's a time when family stories and jokes are told, when a sense of family values is instilled. Family meals can serve also as an emotional clearing-house and support system when someone's down or excited or angry or in a quandary.
The following are some tips on making family meals special:
- Communication starts before meal time and continues afterward. Have kids help in preparations and in clearing and cleanup, not presented as a chore but as part of a group effort. Their participation makes them feel valued and respected.
- Avoid criticism, and passing judgment. Meal time is not a time for complaints or for too many questions.
- Specific, non-judgmental remarks or questions can get kids started. They'll learn to take turns and listen to others, valuable social skills in many situations.
- Parents too can share something interesting about their day. When parents talk about their experiences, they're providing models of behavior and sharing of values.
- Meal time is a good time to learn manners-setting the table, taking turns, passing food and other customs can become habits.
- Family meals don't always have to be in the same place of at the same time; lunch or brunch or picnics work just as well.
Family meal times pay off in numerous benefits
Better nutrition is one plus. Parent-child connectedness has many other plusses, one of which is the pleasure of spending non-pressured time together, not focused solely on academic, sports, or any other kind of achievement.
Children who eat with their families are less likely to snack on unhealthy foods and more likely to eat healthy foods such as fruits, vegetables and whole grains. Studies have shown that when family meals are prioritized, structured, and positive in atmosphere, fewer weight control problems and disordered eating patterns were observed.
Find time other than meals to be together. Even small moments in the course of a day-such as before bedtime, sharing reactions to a television program, shopping together-can encourage conversation.
Mealtime is only one way for families to stay connected. Know what's going on in your child's life. Be involved in his/her school, sports and/or other activities. Know your kid's friends and their teachers. Go to games and other events to show support and pride. Sharing experiences provide opportunities to talk about successes, disappointments and alternative ways of solving problems.
Celebrate old and new family traditions. Mark birthdays and graduations, and also create new reasons to celebrate -- a good grade, a musical performance, etc.
In addition to pleasure and emotional support, staying connected pays off in other significant ways. Research has shown that parent involvement is a protective factor against adolescent tobacco use, depression, eating disorders, academic achievement, and other problems. By staying connected with their children and teenagers, parents can be a source of support, create a climate for discussing tough issues and serve as a role model for responsible and empathic behavior.
About the NYU Child Study Center
The New York University Child Study Center is dedicated to increasing the awareness of child and adolescent psychiatric disorders and improving the research necessary to advance the prevention, identification, and treatment of these disorders on a national scale. The Center offers expert psychiatric services for children, adolescents, young adults, and families with emphasis on early diagnosis and intervention. The Center's mission is to bridge the gap between science and practice, integrating the finest research with patient care and state-of-the-art training utilizing the resources of the New York University School of Medicine. The Child Study Center was founded in 1997 and established as the Department of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry within the NYU School of Medicine in 2006. For more information, please call us at (212) 263-6622 or visit us at www.aboutourkids.org.
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Reprinted with the permission of the NYU Child Study Center. © NYU Child Study Center.
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