Goodness of Fit: The Challenge of Parenting Gifted Children (continued)

The affirmation process involves finding both an appropriately challenging curriculum and enriching activities, and identifying subtleties in your child’s abilities. For example, the gifted child with undiagnosed executive functioning problems or learning disabilities may demonstrate the clear need for acceleration, but once receiving that provision can fail miserably. This typically happens because the appropriate assessments were not provided, so the framework needed for that child to take advantage of the acceleration was thwarted. This also can occur due to the denial that gifted children can be vulnerable, asynchronous in development, or possess learning problems or disabilities.

When communicating with teachers and institutions, the goal should be to create alliances rather than build adversarial relationships that can lead to negative perceptions. I caution parents on a regular basis that society still grapples with gifted education, a discipline that has yet to evolve into a complete discipline and matriculate through the educational system as a whole.

How does a parent assist his or her child with feeling a sense of belonging without trying to make the child fit in? (Affiliation)

The whole idea of fitting in is one that really challenges parents, because there is this desire to have your child feel accepted, have friends and be social, all of which are understandable goals. Unfortunately, the intense need on the part of the parent to have this occur can seriously compromise who your child is and where he or she will actually find affiliations. The norm is to use chronologic age as a guide; for the gifted child this is not, and should not be the case. I have seen many parents hold very ingrained beliefs about their children needing to be with chronological peers. This can be one of the hardest ideas of differentiation to grasp. This also is the area where parents believe the child will suffer the most ridicule and alienation for his or her difference, so the need to fix the problem becomes heightened and intensified. For many gifted children, the solution will not be as simple as being in a gifted program, although that is a crucial piece to meeting affiliation needs, as well as for learning. Some gifted children need their parents to create affiliations for them, connecting through other means such as searching out parents with similar children who also are seeking connection. This takes intention and effort; I remind parents who are working on this that being gifted often brings the necessity to think outside the box to solve problems and get results.

How do parents motivate a child without compromising the child’s innate purpose and desires by projecting their own agendas or those of the external world? (Affinity)

The challenge here involves you as the parent exploring the values you hold about affinity, purpose, and calling in life for your gifted child. In meeting affinity needs, understanding your expectations and values is critical. I ask that parents explore their deep ingrained values about giftedness and what they feel that means for them relative to who their child is and the child’s sense of purpose or calling. Examine for yourself where that value or expectation comes from in your life. Ask yourself, does my belief match my child’s belief about purpose? Be careful not to confuse your own unmet affinity needs with your child’s. I can assure you that if you are asking your child to be someone he is not, he will let you know in his own way. I also ask that parents explore the idea that just because the child has a gift or multiple gifts does not mean that the cultivation of that specific gift(s) is going to fulfill his purpose.

Thus, who your child becomes is about whom they are and the purpose within them, not necessarily who you want or think they should be. This is not to say you should not influence your child or instill values. A crucial method for helping a child develop a sense of purpose lies in how well you as a parent fulfill your own calling(s). Another means is to assess early in your child’s life the interests she pursues and the experiences where motivation is present. I believe that meeting one’s affinity in life is directly linked to motivation. So, when a child appears lazy or unmotivated, it may be a sign that purpose or affinity is being unmet or not cultivated in the goodness of fit.