Helping Children Deal with Shocking Events

We all are struggling to deal thoughtfully with the War on Terrorism, and the wars that have sprung up in its wake. A cascade of feelings has been triggered in each of us. We are now exposed to daily images of death and strife. In many countries, we face the marketing of war as a solution, and the human and material expense of the age-old tool of violence is being exacted from us, our loved ones, and our communities.

What is a parent to do? How do we explain war to our children, and how do we keep fulfilling our responsibility to protect and nurture them? How do we teach them peaceful ways of resolving differences, while violence is being touted as a solution, or when it is a tangible, nearby threat?

There is, at heart, no way to understand murderous acts, whether they are done to gain political power or are, like neighborhood crime, a manifestation of the failures of a society to identify and help its most troubled individuals. People hurting people simply doesn't make sense. Children's minds are jammed with upset and hurt when they are exposed to violence of any kind, because it is inherently offensive, inherently inhuman. So we as Moms and Dads must handle these sad and unwelcome events in ways that hurt our children as little as possible, but we cannot avoid the fact that war is hurtful to them.

Here are some thoughts about caring well for our children and ourselves during difficult times.

1.   First, we need to set aside time to talk with each other, and work through some of our feelings and reactions, at times and places separate from our children. We adults carry a heavy load of feelings about the current events, no matter how hard we try to tamp them down. We have been made to feel helpless and hopeless about current events and the historical events that have brought war over and over again. We've had to cover our grief and outrage with resignation or indifference, because there is so little room in our society for the full expression of healthy protest. So often, the first task is to remember what and who we care most about.

From there, we can remember the hopes we had as children that the world would be sweet, safe, and just. We need to let our thoughts about who we love and our longings for safety and justice lead to emotional release in crying, trembling, and an open show of upset. We need to do this with other adults. Accessing our gut feelings will help us recover our ability to use the power we do have, so we’re hopeful enough to do what we can in our families and communities to make the world right. We won't communicate well with our children unless we have acknowledged and expressed at least some of our fears, outrage, and grief. But expressing those feelings only to our children is asking them to handle a far too heavy load.

2.   It is important, however, for our children to see that we care about people, about justice in the world, and about bringing an end to people harming each other. If you are upset, go ahead and cry openly, but without detailed explanation of your feelings. "I'm sad about something I heard on the news" is fine, along with "and I just need to cry for a little while to get the sadness out." What children don't need to hear is expressions of our feelings of anger, hopelessness, or helplessness.