Holidays and Meltdowns: They Go Together Like Peanut Butter And Jelly (page 3)

Let go of unworkable expectations

We often hurtle into the holidays with very specific pictures in our minds of what the holiday is "supposed to" look like. Magazines, TV ads and dearly-held family traditions tend to erode our power to decide what is workable for ourselves and our families. Parents lead their families. So if the family has little to spend on the holidays, the parents can set a tone of adventure, and let the children know what will be special about this holiday, and what to expect.

For instance, deciding that "We're going to give (or Santa is going to bring) one special gift for each person this year, and then we're all going to have four flavors of ice cream--as much as we want--for breakfast!", or, "Each night of Hanukkah, we're going to light the candles, and then turn off the lights and get every pillow in the house together for a big pillow fight!" sets an expectation for new and memorable adventures that are affordable, and will be remembered for decades.

Find a listener to relieve your own stress

We parents need to remember that we need some time to laugh hard and cry, too, when we're hemmed in by holiday expectations we can't possibly meet. When you don't have a listener handy, it can work to play music that moves you, get time on the phone with a friend, or rent a movie you know lets you cry. Your mind will release the tensions that pinch, no matter what way you find to give yourself some meltdown time too.

We can help heal the effects of the mistakes we make

And what about the times when the holidays have driven you over the brink? Thanks to children's inborn healing process, the damage can be undone with an apology and some listening. Here is one holiday-stressed single mother's story.

I had just walked in the house with the kids and my son (he was seven) went right over to the Christmas tree and started "fixing" the lights. I had just put them on the tree. And he pulled them--well, he messed them up. And I got mad. I blew it, basically. I said, "What are you doing ! You wrecked it - I can't believe you did that!" I went on and on. (It's so awful when you make such big obvious mistakes!) Anyhow, he put his head in the sofa pillow and cried. So I went over to him. He kept turning away from me. I apologized. I said I'd made a mistake. I asked him if he wanted to fix the lights now and he wouldn't touch it. I told him I knew he was just trying to help (this usually brings more tears from him). He was crying.

He moved away from me. Previously, when he was upset and I moved close to him, he would fight me off wildly. So I decided to try what you had suggested and I didn't move toward him, but stayed on the sofa and kept talking to him. I kept asking him if he'd come sit in my lap. Then he cried harder--that invitation really did seem to get through to him. I guess it helps him notice how alone he feels, even though I love him. After a few minutes of crying, he came and jumped on my lap! I told him again that I was sorry. Then I said that moms make dumb mistakes sometimes, and that this one had been pretty dumb. He laughed, and we were feeling close again. We wrestled and played for a little while. Then I asked him if he wanted to fix the lights. He said yes, jumped up, and fixed the lights. ffering love often brings intense feelings to the surface

When your child feels hurt and you talk to him with a tone of love and acceptance, it often speeds the healing process by helping the child cry more intensely. He gets the upset out of his system faster because he feels your love pouring in. The loving things you say won't look like they're helping--when you say just the right thing, your child will cry harder and act more hurt than ever. But keep offering your caring. As you reach for your child, he cries hard, and the two of you are partners in the process of closing the distance between you.

When children are upset, they want us close

In short, holidays intensify all of our hopes for closeness with each other. When children's feelings erupt, they're saying, "I can't feel loved or satisfied right now--please help!" The love we're working so hard to show them through family gatherings, gifts, and celebrations can seep directly into their hearts as we listen to them cry or tantrum about some detail of how life isn't right for them. They want us close while they tell us how bad it feels. Fixing the situation can almost always be done after the feelings are over, and your love has been delivered and received.

The mission of Hand in Hand is to foster healthy parent-child relationships that will last a lifetime. Parenting by Connection is Hand in Hand’s approach to fostering close, responsive relationships between parents and children. All information has been reprinted with permission from Hand in Hand, © 1997 - 2009 Hand in Hand.