I Swore I'd Never Say That! (continued)

A listening exchange with another adult gives a parent the kind of safety that can result in positive change in the family. Exchanging listening time is a way for parents to address these emotional hijackings. It's an opportunity for parents to locate the source of the emotions and do what children do to heal from upset: let the feelings show with someone who won't be hurt by what we say and who has promised to listen and to care. Over time, this kind of support helps us untie those knots of tension in our experience that keep us from enjoying life with our children.

The most important thing we can do when we find ourselves upset by a particular issue, at a particular time of year or even a specific stage of our child's life, is to stop and take time to ask ourselves about those feelings. In her booklet Listening Partnerships for Parents, Patty Wipfler outlines specific questions you may want to explore when you suspect your past is interfering with how you'd like to see yourself behaving. The important thing is that you take the time to ask those questions and that you involve another adult whose care and attention makes you feel safe and heard. Then trade places and give your warmth and attention to the other person as she takes time to explore her own issues.

These informal partnerships — we call them Listening Partnerships — provide a place for you to think out loud without inhibition or embarrassment. When you let your feelings show, say your truth or just blast out the tirade that may be brewing inside, you release the emotional tension built up around a problem or conflict. Exploring your life as a parent while another adult offers respect, security and acceptance and gives you her full attention is a powerful experience. It provides you with a caring place to feel whatever emotions may not have been gently attended to, either while you were growing up or even last week. It can relieve the aloneness and much of the pain associated with the past hurt. We parents work very hard to offer this kind of emotional care to our children. We also deserve and need this kind of loving support for ourselves.

For more information on educational booklets or to subscribe to a free monthly newsletter, go to the Hand in Hand website at www.handinhandparenting.org.

Patty Wipfler, Founder and Executive Director of Hand in Hand, has worked for over 30 years with parents, caregivers and children throughout the U.S. and in 22 other countries. Her booklet series, Listening to Children, has sold over 400,000 copies in 11 languages. Julianne Idleman, Hand in Hand Program Director, works in development and teaches classes. Patty and Juli also co-author a monthly column, "The Connected Parent," at www.CleverParents.com.