Living with Ones and Twos (continued)

Toilet Training/Learning – While some toddlers master this skill fairly early, most children don’t become toilet trained until they are around three. This issue can become emotionally charged especially when parents want to enroll children in child care programs which only accept “potty trained” children or when grandparents or friends think a child is “too old” to still be in diapers. Pressure and negative attention are counterproductive. While parents can readily train themselves to rush the child to the bathroom, children really can’t be toilet-trained until they are READY. A child is ready when he or she is...

• dry for long periods of time
• able to indicate that the diaper is wet or needs changing
• able to tell an adult s/he needs to go to the bathroom
• able to remove outer clothing (shorts, pants, etc.)

The older the child is when potty training begins, the quicker he or she will catch on. It may be inconvenient for a caregiver if a child wants training pants before she has real control. But it’s no reason to keep the child in diapers. Likewise, it may be frustrating for a toddler to say “Uh, oh” and then pee on the carpet. But it shows that the child has learned to recognize his bodily functions. Offer lots of praise for doing it right while ignoring accidents. This puts the attention on the child mastering the skill. Scolding, shaming, or leaving a child on a potty chair for a long time are inappropriate, punitive and may even hinder the toilet training progress. If you’ve tried everything and nothing works, accept the fact that your child isn’t ready. Lighten up and try again in a few months.

Behavioral Issues

Ones and twos can be very volatile and changeable as they learn to assert their independence. One minute they are sunny and want a hug and the next minute they are saying NO. Children this age are learning that they are separate beings and that they can get their own way. They are also a whirlwind of energy and can get into trouble in the blink of an eye. Supervision is important. Tantrums begin during these years along with hitting, biting and other less-than-charming interactions. Channeling these behavior traits in positive directions is a challenge for adults.

Managing Energy – You can’t turn off the energy level, so you need to learn to manage it or work around it. Park your car two blocks away from your destination to wear your little one down a bit before he has to sit in a shopping cart or in a clinic waiting room. Plan an area inside the house where she can jump or climb safely. Spend lots of time outdoors: on walks, at parks and tot lots.

Routines Help – Young children like the known. They will do an activity over and over or beg for the same story night after night. It makes them feel secure to have a routine – to eat and play and sleep about the same time each day. They also like rituals such as a lullaby just before lights out. If your family schedule is hectic and unpredictable, work toward more structure.

Why Some Conflict Is Inevitable and Necessary – This is a time when a child’s push for independence can easily lead to conflict. For example, suppose a parent wants the child to hurry to be on time for a doctor’s appointment while the child wants to put on her own shoes – on her hands, on the wrong feet, in her own way. Such encounters have the potential for frustration and anger as the parent and child “lock horns” over what each wants. The child is too young to be able to avoid the conflict. It is the adult’s responsibility to set the direction for these exchanges by using one of the following tactics:

• diverting or distracting the child
• taking the issue head on
• letting the child do it his or her way Which choice is right depends on the situation and the individuals involved.

Adults will know that they have delayed too long or made the wrong choice when they end up so frustrated that they eventually blow up at the child. Parents and caregivers need to find ways to give children as much power and independence as is reasonable and ageappropriate without totally surrendering. For example, it is reasonable and appropriate for an 18-month old to want to take off his own clothes at bath time. It is not reasonable for the whole family to wait while a twoyear old dresses. Nor is it age-appropriate to let a small child control his or her parents.

Suggestions for Dealing With Ones and Twos – Diversion, redirection and exclusion from an activity are all appropriate choices at different times. Child “psychology” also plays a role. Offer acceptable alternatives, such as "Would you like a banana or an apple?” instead of asking "Would you like some fruit?” Ask “What do you want before naptime – a story or a lullaby?” not “Do you want to take a nap?” It's better not to give children any choice at all if parents aren’t prepared to accept a “no” – especially since at this stage, NO is their answer of choice!