Living with Ones and Twos (continued)

Children this age are asking for limits. Diversion doesn’t always work. For example, a loud, firm, serious “NO” is more appropriate than distracting the child from a dangerous situation. It’s not advisable to always try to be pleasant when a child is pushing you. There is nothing wrong with having anger in your voice when a child persists in biting you. Children need to learn that some activities make people angry. This is a more appropriate kind of anger than “blowing up” at minor misbehavior because you are trying too hard to be self-contained.

Figure out whether the child knows s/he is doing something wrong. Is he throwing rocks at the dog because he just came back from a vacation where he could throw rocks in the lake? Is she testing you by doing something she knows will make you angry? Is he unhappy because of some other change in his life – a new baby, a move, a visit from relatives? Thinking about what the behavior means to the child may help you decide what to do about it.

The response may be different if the child’s behavior is spontaneous as opposed to a deliberate action the child already knows is off-limits. If the behavior seems aimed at getting your attention, then that’s a cue to spend more time engaged in positive activities with the child. Timeouts will work for some children. Remove the child from the activity and make him or her sit in a chair or on a couch. You may need to sit with or even hold the child. The time-out should be very short – a minute or less. Children at this age have no concept of time: it’s the interruptionof the activity that is important.

Carefully analyze situations of frequent conflict. If you get angry because a toddler always takes his shoes off, let him go barefoot more often. If your eighteen-month old drives you nuts by climbing out of the crib, get a youth bed. If your little one likes to draw on the walls, don’t let her use the marking pens without supervision. Not all situations can be handled this way, but it makes sense to use this approach whenever it is feasible and easy to avoid conflict.

Toddler Aggression – Ignoring some kinds of behaviors may work, but when toddlers hurt each other, adults should intervene. Children may think you approve of this activity if you allow it to happen. The key is to be stern without yelling. You don’t want the aggressor to be too frightened to think. You want him or her to listen. Children learn from clear messages – like “You may not hurt other people,” or “I cannot let you hurt other people.” Since they also learn by imitation, it is counterproductive and confusing to try to stop children from hurting others by spanking or slapping them. In child care, of course, this is against the regulations.

Biting can be a big problem at this age. Adults tend to get much more upset about biting than about hitting or kicking. Try to teach children to use words when they are frustrated (not so easy with undertwos) and also try to be extra vigilant when a chronic biter is around other children. Biting a child back doesn’t carry the message you want. Letting the biter comfort the victim (if the victim will allow it) or showing the child the mark and firmly saying that it hurts, may have some effect. Biters outgrow this tendency and few, if any, grow up to be vampires! (For more information, see BANANAS’ “No Bites!” Handout.)

Temper Tantrums – Many factors contribute to tantrums: for one, the verbal ability of children this age has not caught up with their understanding – they may have difficulty expressing themselves and tantrums can result; also, their whirlwind energy can lead to overexcitement or exhaustion; and, finally, the strong pull for independence can pit them against a parent, provider or another child and bring on a tantrum. All children this age have tantrums – some more frequently or dramatically than others. You are not a bad parent (or child care provider) if your child throws a tantrum. But how you respond is important. Above all, don’t have a counter tantrum. You may intimidate the child into abandoning his tantrum at that moment. However, in the long run, you have set the example that temper tantrums are acceptable. Try to remain calm. (This is not so easy since children frequently throw their tantrums in the most public and embarrassing places.) A patient response along with some attempt to help the child calm down is the best approach.

Some children respond to being held; others want to be left alone. Some children can be diverted; others have to cry themselves out. Sometimes you can remove the child from the situation and end the tantrum. Sometimes, you can remove yourself from the scene (walk into a nearby room), thus eliminating the audience. Doing this may keep you from blowing up. Your role as the adult is to insure that the child doesn’t hurt himself or others and to teach the child that tantrums are not acceptable behavior. It is possible to pacify the child without giving in to the demand that set off the scene.