Raising Bright Children in a Scary World (continued)

Secondly, we parents may carry emotional intensity, heightened awareness, and resulting anxiety with us. Our kids watch us and follow our lead. They may also intuitively sense, and even act out, our feelings. I call my daughter my “little mirror.” We need to learn healthy ways to express our feelings so that we can model this behavior rather than intensifying our children’s anxiety.

Helping Children Cope with Scary Events

In Scary News, Lorna Knox discussed ways to help children cope with what they hear and experience in the world. The hope is to do more than minimize the damage done by this exposure to world events. “We can give our children the skills to cope with the scary news and have a life filled with light, hope, joy, and appreciation.” The bottom line, she says, is to teach kids to make decisions out of love rather than fear. This happens first and foremost by giving them reliable, loving, and secure relationships with their parents and others adults, and by providing a positive, nurturing environment. In turn, this helps them feel safe and confident when faced with anxietyprovoking situations.

Younger children are just not ready developmentally to watch media coverage of traumatic events in the same way that they are not ready for a horror movie. They are not yet able to separate fact from fiction, put things into perspective, or understand that there is no direct danger to them. Therapists found, for example, that young children who watched media images of the twin towers falling on 9/11 believed that every time they saw it again, it was happening again. Even in cases where they might be directly effected (e.g., their parent is deployed to a war zone), they do not need to be frightened unnecessarily. They should not be allowed to watch TV news or experience other media images without close parental supervision.

At any age, Knox suggested carefully examining whether the information is unavoidable and necessary, whether it provides an opportunity for growth, and whether your child is ready for it. At age four, my daughter was not ready for what she saw and heard but it was so pervasive that exposure to the event was unavoidable. I sheltered her from the news as much as possible, then talked with her about what she did hear. In fact, her most vivid memory of the event is of me pulling her away from the TV!

According to Knox, it is wise to refrain from discussing adult topics when children might be listening in, to provide comfort and show affection in stressful times, and to keep routines in place. Talk with children about their fears directly, giving them facts and reassurance. Lastly, communicate to children that we can all learn and grow from each experience, whether it be positive or negative. We can choose to become stronger and wiser as a result.

It is important to talk with children about the fact that the world isn’t a perfect place. There is a struggle between good and evil, and bad things do happen. Good can also come out of an evil situation. Most children’s movies have a theme along these lines which can be used as a starting point for discussion. In doing so, however, we need to be cautious to use age appropriate language, keeping in mind the child’s developmental level. We need to use “honesty with restraint.” That is, tell the truth and answer their questions but without giving a lot of details for which they may not be ready.

In a disaster or other situation of trauma, adults usually want to do something to help. They donate food, clothing, and money. They volunteer their time or expertise in whatever way they can. This helps them feel as it they are contributing and wards off helplessness and hopelessness. Children are no different. In doing something to help the victims of a trauma, they feel as if they are important and contributing. They also learn an important value--the importance of reaching out to help others. As parents, we can help them find a way to help—for example, contributing part of their allowance, drawing pictures and cards for victims or rescue workers, or helping deliver food and clothing.

How Much to Protect

Most aware and caring parents these days struggle with the balance between vigilantly protecting our children from harm versus not wanting to be overprotective or discouraging kids from experiencing the world. We are much more aware of the dangers awaiting our children in the world than at any time in the past. Twenty years ago there was no such thing as an internet sex predator. Drugs were less prevalent at such an early age. School shootings were not at such a large scale nor were they national news. It would have been unthinkable to watch an execution live on the computer. The world is changing and we must change with it. So how do we as parents teach our children to be aware and cautious without scaring them too much or making them constantly anxious?

There is no easy answer, no formula to follow. We face this same question with each new situation: 

“Yes, I know your friend’s mother lets her stay home alone but I do not believe that you are old enough.”

“No, you may not go to your friend’s house unless I know the parents.”

“You may ride your bicycle but only on this street where I can see you and only with a helmet.”

“You may no longer play with this friend because he thinks it is funny to lie, steal, and hit you.”

“I know you are angry about it, but I will monitor what websites you visit and not let you email with people you don’t know.” 

Talk with other parents who share your values and whose opinions you trust. But above all, trust your gut. If it feels unsafe, it probably is. It is usually better to err on the side of safety. Don’t be afraid to say no just because other kids are allowed to do something. Paul Foxman suggested (p. 112) that we teach children about high-risk situations (for example, internet child molesters and how they work), but this must be balanced with reassuring kids that although there are real dangers to look out for, in many cases the chances are low of something bad happening. 

Strengths Our Children Have That Can Help

Bright children have strengths that can be used to help them cope. First, they have a higher reasoning ability than many other children. They are able to understand concepts at an earlier age and are more verbal and able to discuss their thoughts and feelings. This can be used to give them an edge on understanding community or world events.