Sibling Conflicts: Tips for Prevention and Intervention (continued)

When and how to intervene

Don't become involved in routine bickering or minor fighting. In situations when the fighting is minor and does not appear to be dangerous, try to pretend that you are not aware of what is happening. Whenever possible let siblings work out their own differences. The longer you can stay out of the situation, the sooner they will learn to settle their differences themselves. In addition, trying to figure out who started a fight is nearly impossible, and even if you are sure who started the fight, taking sides only makes things worse. If you cannot ignore the situation, leave the room or ask the children to take their fighting somewhere else. When the children see that you will not get involved, the fighting often settles down quickly.

In the following situations, however, parents are advised to step in during sibling fighting:

• when the amount of fighting seems excessive
• when the same fight happens over and over without any resolution
• when conflict turns into real fighting in which one or both children may be hurt

In conflict situations, the first step is to separate the children until they are calm. After waiting for a cooling down period, listen to each child's point of view and acknowledge their feelings. Encourage and guide the children to suggest at least one idea about how their conflict could have been avoided or resolved. Even children as young as four of five can suggest useful ideas. Use the opportunity to teach children some basic conflict resolution skills. For example, they can be taught how to use a timer to take turns. Furthermore, parents can teach children social skills by showing them the benefits of asking someone politely rather than grabbing or yelling.

In situations where one child is being teased, parents can provide suggestions on how he/she can handle the situation when it occurs; for example, ignore the teasing, kid back in a way that is humorous, simply agree (in a kidding way) that whatever the teaser is saying is true, tell the teaser that enough is enough, and ask the person in charge (parent, teacher, baby sitter) for help when these other ideas are not working. To make sure that children incorporate these skills, provide practice. Parents can set up and role play some provocative situations (in a playful manner), the child can then role play possible responses and receive feedback about she/he handled the situation.

At times making a family plan can help with a conflict situation. Both consequences and rewards should be used. For example, children might be told that when there is any physical fighting, they will all have a consequence such as a time out, but if they can go for a morning (or entire day) without fighting, everyone will earn a privilege such as an extra snack, a later bedtime or other meaningful privilege. In a small number of families, sibling conflict is so severe that the help of a mental health professional is necessary. Consider professional consultation if: