Straight Talk: Helping Bright Teens Through Tough Times

Let's face it - raising a child is difficult. Add to this fact all the characteristics of exceptionally bright young people that make this population unique. As they get older, they begin to move through adolescence, puberty, and teenage years. On any given day, it's likely that you already have a lot on your plate in terms of parenting your highly gifted adolescent. Then, your son or daughter experiences a bump in the road, perhaps even a sinkhole. How can you help your child in dealing with a difficult time, such as the death of a loved one or friend, existential depression, peer pressure, general disappointments and "life lessons"?

We asked some professionals with experience and expertise in nurturing gifted children to assist parents by sharing ideas for helping gifted teens through challenging times. Below, we've summarized their thoughts and suggestions.

Contributors:

Jim Delisle, Ph.D.
Deborah Ruf, Ph.D.
Esther Sinclair, Ph.D.
James Webb, Ph.D.
Nadia Webb, PsyD

What you can do:

Communication

Open communication by asking if your teen has any questions or thoughts on the subject at hand. If they don't volunteer any, share your own to get things rolling. (Nadia Webb)

Make "special time" for each of your children, even if you have to make a weekly date to do it. You can take trips together, go camping, or in some way break out of daily routines that so often become barriers to communication. (Jim Webb)

One indicator of an open and strong relationship is if your child can tell you things that others might find "shocking," or at least very non-traditional, without fear of being severely chastised. Some parents have found they are able to create a climate where they can openly talk about how angry they are at "the world" or at "society" and how helpless they feel. Young people then get a chance to see that (a) they are not the only ones to feel this way and (b) that it is an okay topic to talk about within the family. (Jim Webb)

Write a note and leave it for your son or daughter to read. Simply state that you know this is a rough time and the topic is difficult to discuss, but that you are willing to listen and answer any questions. This may open up the doors for communication now or later on. In their own ways, youngsters dealing with difficult situations are trying to figure out what we are trying to figure out; silence, at least temporarily, is a natural reaction. (Jim Delisle)

Allow your child room to experience their feelings, including anger, when coping with a great loss or tragedy. Be open to listening to your child talk and rant and rave, or find someone else for your child to talk with. (Deborah Ruf)

Generally, when an adult brings up a "taboo" topic (whatever it may be), it is often a relief to the teen that an adult raised the issue first. (Jim Delisle)

Stress how important your child is to you -- not for their achievements; but simply because of who they are. Fred Rogers had it right, "I like you just because you're you!" (Jim Webb)

Fundamentally, these kids are a minority, and they will have all of the problems that any minority group member has, plus they are more intense and sensitive. Fortunately, they are also resilient and very often have parents who care a lot about them. Let your child know how much you care for him or her. (Jim Webb)

Give your kids a hug each day - it is a small, yet powerful, practical technique. I know, I know! They are teens, and they will say, "Aw Mom!" or "Aw Dad!" Tell them, "I'm your parent. I know you don't need a hug, but I need a hug. Just cope!" There is something about physical touch that helps us feel connected with one another, and it helps with resilience and with lessening feelings of aloneness. (Jim Webb)

Encourage tolerance and acceptance of different styles, as this can be very difficult for these kids. It is very important in the family to talk about individual differences, particularly with kids who are looking for "truth" or "the right answer" or the "right way to live their lives." (Jim Webb)