Talking to Children About Death

How to talk to your child about death

Where to start. You might think that your child is too young to understand death, especially if it is not a close family member or friend who has died. However, the impact on your child of someone dying may be greater than you realize. In a situation where the death is more removed from your child’s immediate world, ask her if she has heard about it, and let her know that you are available if she wants to talk about it. Reassure her that she others close to her are safe. Often, children worry that because someone died, other people close to her will die soon, as well. Let your child know the facts and be honest with her. Remember that you know your child best, and you alone can determine how much information she needs and what she can comprehend. Speak in terms that she will understand and check in with her to make sure she understands what you’ve said. Click here for ways to answer some commonly asked questions.

What to expect. Your child may show a great deal of emotion or may not show any at all; children, like adults, handle and show emotion differently. Children’s understanding of and reactions to death will vary depending on their age and stage of development. Stay tuned in to your child so that you are available for him whatever his response. Normal reactions in children of all ages include anger, sadness on and off for a long period of time following the death, unwillingness to attend a funeral/services, expressing that the loss was their fault (especially if they ever had negative thoughts about the person), or having trouble accepting the loss. Click here for a chart on children’s understanding of death by age group that includes tips on how best to help them cope.

Preparing yourself. Death is an extremely difficult event for everyone affected, and mourning is important to the healing process. By expressing your own sadness, you are showing your child that it is ok to feel sad and to cry. However, do make sure you are emotionally ready when you talk to your child. As a parent, your strength, patience, and attention are very important to her.

Seeking outside help. Sometimes, especially in the case of the death of a parent, close friend, or family member, children need more help than the adults in their life can provide. No matter how your child reacts, it is important to let teachers or other caregivers know about what he is going through so they can look out for signs of grief. Things that might indicate that your child is not coping well include long-term denial of the death, an extended period of depression, the inability to sleep, loss of appetite, long-term fear of being alone, acting much younger than his age, wanting to join the dead person, withdrawing from friends and family, or an extreme and long-term drop in school performance. If your child is experiencing any of these, talk to his pediatrician as well as his teacher if he is attending school to get a referral for professional help.

When a pet dies. The death of a pet can be very traumatic for a child. Again, your child may show a range of emotions, from seeming unaffected to being very upset. Talking about death will help your child grieve. Avoid saying things like “God took the pet” or “the pet is asleep”, because she might fear going to sleep or think that God will take someone else. If the pet is old or sick and needs to be put to sleep, assure your child that it will die peacefully and will no longer be in pain. Some children find rituals like burying the pet helpful, while others do not want to see it anymore. Do let your child’s teacher know, because something may trigger her to become upset about the loss.