Talking With Your Child's Teacher About a Sexual Issue (continued)

• Try to make sure that this is not the first time you have spoken with the teacher. If it is, apologize for not calling to say hello and introducing yourself before now.
• Be aware that the teacher will worry about your call because of the topic—sexuality. The teacher knows that this could make big trouble. Moreover, the teacher may be embarrassed about whatever you say about sexuality if she/he is also a product of a society that treats sexuality with shame and fear. The teacher may worry that you think he/she is not morally fit to be a teacher or that any talk about sexuality makes him/her look like a predator.
• Call at the end of the school day so the conversation won't upset the teacher or interrupt her/his concentration on the students.
• If you must leave a message, just ask the teacher to call you. Leave home and work phone numbers and/or a cell phone number, and sound upbeat and reassuring.
• When you have the conversation, make sure your child is not listening.
• Tell the teacher what your child told you, and explain why you are calling. For example, you might say, "Hi, this is Alex's mom/dad. Do you have a minute to chat? I'd like to tell you something that Alex told me yesterday. She/he said that a student asked where babies come from and you answered by saying the cabbage patch. (pause…) I thought I would call you and let you tell me about what happened."
• Listen carefully to the teacher, and take notes. Say: "Uh-huh, yes, uh-huh," keeping your voice upbeat. Repeat what you are hearing to make sure you get it right. For example: "So you didn't say babies come from the cabbage patch. You said that the stork brings them. Is that what you said?" Listen, and repeat back until you get it right. "Oh, I understand, you said that some people tell children that the stork brought them, and some people say they came from the cabbage patch, but that really children grow inside their mother until they are ready to be born. Is that right?"
• If you are pleased with what the teacher says, then you can thank him/her for creating an askable classroom. Affirm your support for the teacher in making sexuality a natural part of students' learning. You may want to call the principal and convey compliments about the teacher. This will go in her/his personnel file, and your child and other children will benefit from the teacher's continued ability to address sexual health-related questions and topics.
• If you are not pleased with what you hear, then tell the teacher that you are concerned and why. For example, parents often fear that kids received too much or too little medically accurate information. Sometimes, parents feel that the information was inappropriate, especially if the teacher expressed a religious or moral viewpoint. Perhaps the teacher's sense of humor or style clashes with yours. Or, maybe you feel that the conversation got out of control when a student blurted out an inappropriate term and created chaos.
• Stay calm, and be specific in your response. Be clear about what you want the teacher to do. For example, "In the future, I'd like for you to go ahead and give the children more factual information. I totally support that." Or, "In the future, I'd like for you to come down harder on students who use bad language." Or, "In the future, would you please be clear with the children that what you are going to say is your own personal opinion and that other reasonable people have different views?" At some point in the conversation, say that you will think about what she has said and call back next week if you are still concerned. Then follow through with another chat with the teacher.
• Think carefully about whether your concern warrants anything more than this phone conversation with the teacher. Maybe you were upset, but the phone call made you feel better. Maybe you want the program to be changed for future classes. Maybe you want to read further so that you know more about what works and what doesn't work in educating young people about sexuality. Thinking the situation through will help you focus your comments and make more reasonable points to the professionals. For example, you may decide, after doing research on your own, that you support children's receiving more accurate information.
• Spend some time discussing the issue with people you trust. Be discreet, because the story can get exaggerated very quickly. You want to be effective in your interactions with the teachers and administrators at your child's school. That means respecting the dignity and honoring the intentions of everyone involved.
• Finally, remember that the most important factor is your relationship with your child. Talking with your child's teacher is not nearly as important as talking with your child. What YOU say and do matters far more than anything a teacher can ever say.

Continue to search at this Web site and the recommended links to get more information about the characteristics of effective sex education at school and at home. Get involved at school, and work at achieving and maintaining good relationships with teachers and principals. Your child will see how you talk about sexuality and sexual health issues and how you manage interpersonal communications, including conflict, effectively and will learn important lessons, including that:

• Sexuality is a normal and positive factor in every person's life.
• Your family, though not perfect, is willing and able to discuss issues around sexuality fairly and calmly.
• You will not "freak out" when the subject is "sex."