There's No Place Like Home for Sex Education: 9th Grade

What I Really Want to Know Is …

How can you tell you're in love? What's it like to have sex? Do you just know what to do? How old should you be? How do you know if it's the right person?

A typical group of 9th graders asked these questions at a recent parent/teen workshop designed to help families communicate about sex. When asked to write down (anonymously) what they really wished they could discuss with parents, many teens listed these items.

Surprised? The parents were—at first. But on further reflection, parents found they weren't really surprised by the questions. Rather, they were caught off guard—and unprepared to answer.

Teens wonder about love, sex, relationships. They want details: how, why and when. They have lists of curiosities and concerns, and are rarely encouraged to voice them. Often they don't feel safe enough to speak with parents about such intimate matters.

Assume that given the chance, your 9th grader would ask you about all of this. Wouldn't you like to share your ideas? After all, peers and the media certainly spread their messages about sex. If you added your message, what would it be?

These questions may cause you discomfort. You're being asked to look deeply into your own values. You may have difficulty putting your feelings into words at first … that's ok. The words may not form easily, but that's no reason to avoid the subject. Your children do care what you think, feel and value. They want to hear from you.

So how do you begin—especially if you and your teen rarely (or never) talk with each other about sexuality? First, realize this needn't be THE BIG TALK. Young people aren't just interested in sex. They want to know about the whole business of living: connecting and relating to others and understanding themselves. Sharing your innermost feelings about your own life, your own growing up years, can give kids insight … and comfort. It opens doors for discussion of lots of things … including sex.

To start a conversation, consider the following interview used in the parent/teen workshop. This can be a special sharing time for you and your child. Begin by agreeing on ground rules, for example:

1. All that is shared is confidential.
2. You can speak honestly, without fear of consequences.
3. You can pass if you choose, etc.

For teens to ask parents:

• What did you enjoy most about being a teenager? What was most difficult?
• What did you learn growing up that now helps you as an adult?
• What's the best part about being a parent? The most difficult?
• Tell me about the day I was born.
• How did you feel about other- and same-gendered friends when you were my age? Did you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? When were you allowed to date?
• What was expected of you because of your gender? How do you feel about those expectations now?
• How have you felt about physical changes in your body?
• What would you change about your body … if you could?

For parents to ask teens:

• What do you enjoy most about being your age? What's most difficult?
• What's most important in your life now?
• What do you see as pros & cons of being male/female?
• What are some things you look for in a friend?
• What do you wish we could talk about more openly together?
• How have you felt about the physical changes in your body?
• What would you change about your body … if you could?

Walls … and Bridges

Premarital sex, HIV/AIDS, sexually transmitted infections. Safer sex. Love, commitment, intimacy, relationships.

Visualize having a frank and open discussion with your 9th grader about these issues. What fears, concerns or emotions get in the way for you?

Communicating with youth about sex. As parents, we should be doing it … most of us want to be doing it … but often don't. Because of the stuff that gets in the way. Stuff like:

• FEAR ("What if my son rejects the values I so want him to live by?")
• CONFUSION ("If I discuss birth control or 'safer sex' practices with my daughter, won't she think I approve of her having sex?)
• EMBARRASSMENT ("I feel awkward even using the words 'penis' and 'vagina' … how in the world can I possibly talk about anal intercourse as a behavior that increases the risk of HIV infection?")
• LACK OF INFORMATION ("Menstrual cycle … wet dreams … I know the basics, but I haven't a clue about all the details. ").

Even parents who were fairly open about sexual discussions when their children were little will often find themselves stuck, unnerved, or just plain at a loss once the adolescent years hit.

Yes, the issues are far more complex … AND, it's more than that. The parent/child roles change significantly. With small children, parents essentially set the rules, promote the values, and select the paths for learning and growth. With adolescents, parents discuss (perhaps negotiate) rules and offer a rationale for their importance. Values continue to be emphasized and promoted … but at times with a panicked assertiveness (which can trigger anger, frustration … and an end to the conversation). A very real fear is that our children may balk at some core beliefs and attitudes we want them to embrace.

Ultimately, teens challenge, test, and accept, reject or modify their parents' values. Studies show that adolescents endorse many of the family's basic values and beliefs. It is also true is that they accept (at least temporarily) the values endorsed by their peers.

You can create safety within the family for your children to discuss or question differing values. Encourage them to think out loud, to examine beliefs and the possible impact of going with (or against) those beliefs. Frank discussions in which parents and children listen to and speak with (not at) one another enhance young people's ability to make thoughtful choices.

As you speak with your child about issues such as birth control, teen pregnancy, etc., your responsibility to present family values coexists with a responsibility to provide factual information. Teenagers can accept a parent message that endorses abstinence as well as the importance of sexual protection for those choosing to have intercourse. These are not mutually exclusive values. They're not contradictions. This is a loving message which assists teens in developing positive, respectful attitudes and behaviors around sexuality. Unlike "Just say no", it's a message that gets through to kids; that supports growth, maturity and thoughtful decision making.

Remember: the stuff that gets in the way of open parent/teen communication about sex is the same stuff that sabotages the growth of positive and responsible sexual beliefs and behaviors. It is the very stuff that results in kids at risk. And … it is also the stuff we can confront, challenge, and change!