There's No Place Like Home for Sex Education: 5 Years (continued)

Pregnancy/Childbirth 101

Little ones are fascinated by the baby making process. Most 3- and 4-year-olds are interested in how baby "gets out of mommy." Your 5-year-old's concern is a bit trickier: "how baby gets in." Not one to put curiosity on hold, s/he's likely to insist on an explanation while you're dining out at a restaurant, standing in line at the movies, or at some equally inconvenient spot.

Should the time or place be awkward for such discussion, say so—while at the same time supporting your child's interest. A parent might say, "What a wonderful question! Let's talk about that when we get home." (Then do!)

Brief explanations about intercourse are appropriate for the 5-year-old. It's highly preferable to magical stories of storks, fairy godmothers, and babies found on doorsteps. While a fable may temporarily get parents "off the hook," it is truly a disservice to the child. Neglecting to respond honestly to sexual curiosities adds to a child's confusion or discomfort about the issue.

A parent may simply choose to say: "When a mother and father want to have a baby, the father puts his penis into the mother's vagina. This is very loving and special. Sperm made by the father's body move through his penis into the mother. If a sperm meets an egg cell made by the mother's body, a baby will start to grow inside the mother's uterus."

When providing this detail, keep in mind that a 5-year-old is very literal. The term "egg" needs clarification, lest your child envisions mommy producing chicken eggs Remember too, the correct word "sperm" rather than "seed" avoids the notion of flowers blooming in mommy's uterus.

If you've successfully made your way through the baby making talk, congratulations! The topic's not been laid to rest, however—just as you suspected. Your 5-year-old will ask this one several more times (over the next few years) before s/he's gotten it straight. You can look forward to a lot more practice.

When Children Don't Ask

If your 5-year-old doesn't seem the least bit interested in sexual issues and hasn't asked any questions, it's time to initiate discussion.

The easiest way to begin is with "teachable moments"—everyday events that lend themselves to conversations about sexuality (a neighbor is pregnant, the hamsters are mating, etc.). Make deliberate attempts to educate your child:

• Children's picture books on sexuality can be wonderful! Read them together.
• Look at family albums with pictures of weddings, mom—when she was pregnant, or the new baby coming home.
• Comment on a news item that deals with sexuality.
• Watch movies/TV together.
• Ask your child to draw a picture that shows a baby being born. Talk about the process.

You might consider that your child has indeed been asking about sexuality—often in nonverbal ways—since birth. You may not have recognized it as such, or perhaps you've given an impression that it's not ok to ask. Whatever has or has not been going on, start something now. Since your children are learning about sex whether you tell them or not, surely you want to get your 2¢ worth in too!

Say Again?

• J. Hey dad, do you use tom-toms sometimes too?
• D. What do you mean, Jim?
• J. You know, tom-toms. Like mom has.
• D. Jimmy, tom-toms are drums. Mom has drums?
• J. No …come on. I'll show ya.

With that, Jimmy drags dad to the bathroom, opens the cabinet and pulls out a blue box. Dad's face breaks into a grin. "Oh those! They're called tampons, not tomtoms!"

Why clutter up a 5-year-old's head with talk of menstruation—and a boy at that! Well … because he asked. While shopping with his mom, Jimmy saw her pick up a box of tampons. Naturally curious, he asked about them—and, valuing family communication about sexual issues, his mom explained. Jimmy has since forgotten what "tom-toms" are all about, so he's asking dad.

• D. Do you know what tampons are for, Jimmy?
• J. Mom told me, but I forget.
• D. Well, each month, inside a woman's uterus, a special lining grows. If the woman becomes pregnant, that lining is needed to help the baby grow and develop. If the woman doesn't become pregnant, the lining passes out of her body through the vagina. It's called having a period. The lining has blood in it, and the tampon is placed in the vagina to catch the blood so it doesn't stain her clothes. The bleeding is very normal. Make sense?
• J. Well, sort of.
• D. Only women have periods, so I don't need to wear tampons—and neither will you.

A young child might be alarmed if s/he discovers a used tampon or sanitary pad. Associating blood with injury, s/he may fear mom is hurt. So it's important to give children accurate information.