Gifted Children's Friendships (continued)

However, the differences between gifted children and their average ability age-peers were much larger in the primary school years, and in the early years of elementary school, than in the later years. In grades 3 and 4, even moderately gifted children have the conceptions of friendship which characterise average ability children three or more years older.

As stated earlier, many previous studies have suggested that intellectually gifted children look for friends among other gifted children of approximately their own age, or older children of above average ability. This new study suggests that they may not only be seeking the intellectual compatability of mental age peers; they may also be looking for children whose conceptions and expectations of friendship are similar to their own.

Leta Hollingworth (1936) believed that the social isolation experienced by many highly gifted children was most acute between the ages of 4 and 9. My own findings strongly support this. Children of IQ 160+ tend to begin the search for "the sure shelter" - friendships of complete trust, honesty and fidelity - four or five years before their age-peers even enter this stage. Indeed, in my study exceptionally and profoundly gifted girls aged 6 and 7 already displayed conceptions of friendship which do not develop in children of average ability until age 11 or 12. No wonder these children encounter difficulties with socialization. There is little common ground between a 6-year-old who is seeking the “sure shelter” and an age-peer who is looking for a “play partner”.

• It can be useful for parents to discuss the hierarchy of friendship conceptions with their gifted children. Because gifted children begin to make social comparisons earlier than their age-peers, they can become acutely aware that they seem to be looking for different things in friendship than are their age-peers. A frank but sensitive discussion of this can help ameliorate the feelings of “strangeness”.

Substantial gender differences appeared in my study. At all levels of ability, and at all ages, girls were, on average, significantly further along the developmental scale of friendship conceptions than boys. This suggests that exceptionally gifted boys who begin the search for intimacy at unusually early ages may be at even greater risk of social isolation than girls of similar ability, as they will appear so dramatically different from the majority of boys of their age. This may explain why, in the early years of school, highly gifted boys sometimes prefer the company of girls.

Such are the differences in the friendship conceptions held by average and gifted students in the earlier years of primary school that it is at this level that gifted children are most likely to have difficulty in finding other children who have similar expectations of friendship.

Another characteristic of exceptionally and profoundly gifted children is that they seem to prefer the company of a few close friends rather than large, looser groups. This is also a characteristic of children who are introverts rather than extroverts. Highly gifted children who are introverts (and there seems to be a growing body of literature which connects the two – read Silverman, 1993, for example) may have a double "need" for a few closer relationships rather than many more "surface" relationships.

• It’s okay if your gifted child prefers to link with one “special” friend rather than “play the field”. Parents sometimes worry that the child seems to be putting all his or her friendship “eggs” in the one basket – but we must remember that because the quality of gifted children’s friendships is different, they have an earlier need for the exchange of confidences and the discovery of mutual bonds. This is more easily achieved in pairs than in larger groups. It's actually quite common for gifted children to prefer a close in-depth relationship with one friend rather than a range of lighter, more "surface" relationships with a range of acquaintances. It's natural that you are worried that your son or daughter is spending so much time with only one other child, but think of it this way: in finding good friends children are learning two things: firstly that they are acceptable to other children and, secondly, that they themselves can be a good friend. These are great lessons for all kids to learn but they are especially essential for children who may have, earlier, been rather socially isolated. It's lovely to see children who have previously been “loners” beginning to loosen up and move out towards other children. It’s the self-confidence that they have gained from this first "good friendship" that is making them see themselves as someone who can search out to others without the fear of being rejected.

The hobbies, interests and play preferences of gifted children can also “set them apart” from their age-peers. Children’s play interests are strongly determined by their stage of cognitive development and the play preferences of intellectually gifted children tend to resemble those of children some years older. For example, gifted children tend to enjoy games with rules at earlier ages than other children. They often prefer games where ideas and strategies are matched against each other and where new proposals can be trialled, whereas the average child prefers games where such rules as exist are clearly defined and closely adhered to. This can cause conflict when the highly able child, who may see the illogicality or irrelevence of the rules, seeks to overturn them, either to improve the game or simply for the intellectual stimulation of the ensuing argument!