Traversing the Straits of Adolescence: A Guide for Parents of Profoundly Gifted Teens (continued)

PG teens want to contribute to community but are unsure what they can do; and, worry they might not be supported in their efforts. The sense of space and place that develops from volunteering, or otherwise contributing to community, helps the PG teen ground her/himself. A few examples were provided in the previous section. Take some time to work up a list of possibilities right now. Then, talk them over with the whole family and find something everyone can contribute some time and effort toward.

Indeed, this sense of balance is crucial to fending off peer pressure to take part in risky behaviors. These contributions can be as simple as cleaning an elderly neighbor's yard to the complexity of organizing a clothing drive for victims of the earthquake in Iran (including arranging shipment of the collected stuff overseas).

Achievement is much more a sense of self-satisfaction for helping another human being (well, animals count too!) for gifted individuals, than it is performance in a sport, or on academic tests or in coursework. When positive outcomes can be achieved without competition, PG teens win without feeling guilty for inflicting their intellect on others.

On Teasing and Bullying

Bullying (I include teasing in this category) is an unfortunate but very real part of adolescence; and, it is highly likely all PG teens have faced it. They are different and therefore subject to harassment from others--almost continuously!

The bullies thrive on "pushing buttons" and getting reactions. Walking away and ignoring the abuse is the most effective strategy; but, PG teens (who are typically very verbal) will have difficulty suffering fools gladly.

In addition, walking away will likely cause a brief (but highly stressful) increase in bullying behavior including probably pushing. The bullying will decrease (this--technically--is called Extinction) but it does take time, a lot of willpower and resiliency; especially if pushing/shoving begins to occur. See the bibliography at the end of this paper for additional resources to consult.

On "Best Practices" for Raising PG Adolescents

The job of parents is to connect with PG teens, providing them with a safe environment where they can (and do) discuss any issue without fear of quick-judgment or being told what to do; rather than having their feelings/thoughts/emotions involved in the decision. This isn't a complete list of "best practices," but it is a sure-fire start:

• Be Flexible.  Try to brainstorm with your teen at least three potential action plans before striving to solve a "prickly" issue. Then talk through each of them together. Be willing to "chuck" them all and start again if nothing feels right.
• Have a Sense of Humor.  Being able to laugh at yourself and with your teen (never at your teen) will keep stress and tension in check.A great sense of humor goes a long way--especially when you can point out your foibles and laugh them off to model this behavior for your teen.
• Communicate. Talk, write, or draw how you feel and share this with your teen. Share stories about your life, especially things you messed up! It's ok to be upset and angry with a situation (notice I did not say teen!) so long as everyone knows it. You don't want to "bite anyone's head off" in the heat of the moment. Give yourself time to cool down and decompress before approaching the issue.
• Care and Be There.  Don't be judgmental, or a "told you so" know-it-all. Rather, be a listener and help your teen develop a list of potential outcomes (remember, flexibility?) that (s)he feels good about before addressing an issue.
• Be Committed.  Stick with your teen as (s)he is working through an issue. Check often to see how things are working out. Be available for plan revision. Above all, if you say you are going to do something...do it! This can be as innocent as lending the car as agreed; or as complex as actually taking the vacation that always seems to be put off due to one emergency or another.
• Be Confident.  Parenting doesn't come with a handbook (trust me when I tell you I wish it did!!). Yet, if we can own up to our limitations and admit to not knowing from time to time, our teens will respect this honesty and be much more willing to work with us, than battle our every suggestion.

As you traverse the straits of adolescence with your PG teen, keep your sense of humor; and, try to provide an "ear" more than "told-you-so" advice. Above all, marvel at the independence your daughter or son is gaining. This sense of self will amaze you as you share the growth of your family and emotions in ways you have yet to imagine.