What's the Cure for Whining? (continued)

For instance, whining often happens toward the end of a sweet, close playtime during which you've done the things your child loves to do. You've done your utmost to make things good, but suddenly, you have a weakly child, who says, "You never do anything I want!" It's enough to make a parent feel, "I'm never taking you to the park again, if this is the way you behave!"

This happens because, at the prospect of the end of the good time, stored feelings of helplessness or loneliness crop up and take over. The feelings are irrational, but they lurk in the child’s mind, and are brought into play by simple, everyday moments.

Your child isn’t trying to manipulate you

When your child is whining, he isn't "out to get you.” He doesn't really want you to "give in" to irrational requests. He’s trying to signal that he needs your help. He has chosen something irrational to want, so that you will say “No,” he can open up bad feelings and cry about them, and you will offer him the connection he is desperate to feel. Try to picture him saying, “I wannnaaa cookkkiiee,” but meaning, “Please say ‘No’—I need a good cry with your arms around me!”

You can help your child connect again

Once your child regains a sense of connection with you or any other member of the family, he'll be able to take charge again. He'll ask for what he wants, without the "Poor me" tone that would drive any parent nuts. So your energy will be well spent if you focus on rebuilding a connection with your child.

The tricky part about connecting with a child who is full of bad feelings is this: his emotional tension needs an outlet before he'll be able to regain his confidence, his sense that you are on his side. Laughter, crying, and tantrums are typical ways children release bad feelings. A good laugh (but don’t force laughter by tickling), a good cry (without upset or punishment from you) or a good tantrum (parents don't love tantrums, but they are deeply effective) will cure that gnawing sense of helplessness or aloneness that causes whining.

Try filling your child’s request once

A whining child does indeed need your attention for at least a moment or two. At first, you won’t really know whether getting the thing he asks for will help him feel connected and strong again, or not. His request may seem reasonable to you—a drink of water, a snack, one more turn listening to his favorite music. If giving him the thing he wants makes sense to you, go ahead and try it once. But if more whining follows, you can be sure that the real problem is his emotional "weather.” A storm is coming.

If he’s not satisfied, offer closeness and a clear limit

The cold tone that most of us use when we say "No" serves to make a child feel more alone and adrift in an uncaring world. It deepens the "hole" your child is whining in. If you can say, "Nope, no more cookies! Maybe tomorrow!" with a big grin and a kiss on the cheek, your child receives contact from you in place of cookies. If he whines some more, you can come back and say, "Nah, nah, nah, nah!" and nuzzle into his neck, ending with a little kiss. If he persists, bring him still more affection, "I'm your chocolate chip cookie! I’m all yours!" with a big grin. Then throw your arms around him and scoop him up. At some point, the affection you're offering will tip him toward laughter or a tantrum.