When Baby Makes Three -- or Four or More (continued)

Twins or supertwins are not a package deal. Their individuality should be encouraged

Dennis, a father with a sense of humor, liked to dress his twin boys the same and then shuffle them around interchangeably to see if relatives could tell them apart. The game might be fun for the grownups, but it's not a good idea for the children.

• Right from the start it is important to help each child establish his/her own individual personality. Children are born with different temperaments, or ways of reacting to new people or things, which can be observed even in infancy. Not all twins or twins+ have the same temperament. Most will be easy-going, have regular sleeping and eating habits, adapt easily to new situations, and will be generally even-tempered. But some may be shy and need time to adjust, and others may be more difficult and have trouble settling down and getting used to routines. Each child has his or her own patterns of strengths and weaknesses.

• Give each child some one-to-one time. Individual time, even if short, acknowledges each child's particular interests.

• Talk with each child separately. Twins often communicate with each other in non-verbal ways and their verbal language may develop later than singletons. Another reason that twins may acquire language slowly is that they have fewer opportunities to converse with their parents, who must divide their time between several children.

• Individualize birthdays by giving presents, even birthday cakes, chosen according to each child's interests. Don't expect multiples to share and enjoy the same toys.

• Respect the closeness of twins and supertwins but create opportunities for them to play with other kids. Let other parents know it's okay to invite one and not the others.

• Create a special space for each child. If they share rooms, provide different drawers or chests or storage places for clothing and for individual toys and possessions.

• Don't forget the plus side of being a multiple. Nicky, an adult, reflects on her childhood as a twin: There's nothing like being born part of a group to encourage sharing and getting along with others.

Some Pitfalls—Avoid

• giving similar or rhyming names (Micky/Nicky; Jason/Jared/Jerry) which de-emphasize their individuality.

• identifying them by simplistic labels, such as "she's the cute one; he's the big one; he's the quiet one; she's the good eater." One should not be the reference point for the others.

• referring to them as a unit, such as "the twins, the triplets, the gang."

• giving them directions as a group, such as "It's time for everyone to go to bed, you all have to play outside." Try and communicate separately with each one.

• dressing all the same. Although they may look cute and elicit admiring comments, different clothes will accentuate their individuality.

• making them feel special just because they're twins; seeing themselves just as twins limits their individuality.

Special issues for twins and supertwins

Separation is a process that all children experience and that re-occurs throughout life. For the first two months of life, an infant is barely aware of the outside world. Gradually the infant becomes aware of him or herself as a separate person. According to Dr. Eileen Pearlman, an identical twin and a specialist in twins and twin parenting, "It's between 5 to 6 months old when they start becoming aware that there's someone else there and that the mirror image is not themselves, it's another person." Twins and supertwins may be different even in the womb; one may be more active or one may be larger. But they've had to adjust to each other, and so "they must not only learn to separate from their mother, but also from each other. Little by little, they become more and more aware of themselves as being separate." Dr. Pearlman notes also that "twins have each other as a transitional object." A transitional object may be a blanket or a teddy bear or a diaper, which soothes and comforts the baby even when the mother is not there. "Twins do a lot of soothing and comforting for each other." Starting with their togetherness in the womb, they learn to share and to be in a relationship with others.