Q: Why do my children fall apart at the holidays? It certainly seems to be the case around here, especially around my in-laws, that my children become ear-splittingly unhappy whenever there is an extended family gathering. It’s so incredibly *embarrassing* that every time my sister-in-law sees my daughter that child has a complete tantrum! Is she just picking up on my stress or is there some better way of understanding this please??
A: You’ve hit on a very important piece of this puzzle. Children are built to be incredibly sensitive to our moods, stresses and the direction of our attention and energy. If you’re family is gathering and you are thinking things like, “Is there going to be enough gravy? Is Uncle Fred going to drink too much and start singing again like he did last year? Do I look OK in this outfit? Why are my sister-in-laws kids able to keep the cranberry sauce off their faces while they eat Thanksgiving dinner, but my kids aren’t?” the kids can feel not only that you are stressed, but that your attention is elsewhere - not on connecting with them.
This can be very stressful for them. Our bodies, young and old, have a number of defenses built in to release excess stress - laughter is one, crying, trembling, sweating are others. While Uncle Fred may calm his nerves with another brandy and soda, the kids will be more likely to get wild, run through the house chasing their cousins, try to get your undivided attention by clinging or hanging on you, or break down in tears or tantrums.
While this is probably not the picture postcard holiday moment you were hoping for, it’s normal, and while it may be loud or even embarrassing, it’s nothing to worry about. It may help if you realize that this phenomenon is as predictable as Newton’s apple falling from the tree.
There’s another side to the holiday coin.
Humans are social beings, and the more of us that gather, the more the situation communicates a kind of subconscious safety to the limbic portion of our brain, the portion that is built to seek and thrive on connection. When the clan gathers, that part of the child’s brain begins to vibrate to the perceived “safety in numbers” phenomenon that has taken place. You, off in your nuclear family, have x amount of resource to offer your children. When the family gathers, there is (theoretically at least) 14 times that amount of resource available. Children are built for ideal situations: they are born expecting the world to be just right for them. Their instincts are built for oodles of connection, resource, play, relaxed fun, and they await that from us every day. So when the family gathers, their minds arrange themselves for 14 times the wonderfulness of being with you. Emotional safety and all! Their limbic system primes itself for greater emotional sensitivity. Children don’t realize that most of the grownups they’re with have been trained since early childhood to have negative judgments about the unguarded expression of feelings. Even if a child realized this fact, the automatic priming of his limbic system would take place: it’s an instinctive process, not a logical one. Because it’s so predictable, it’s a process you can prepare for.
Your child’s limbic system has stored up all the dented feelings from past events that haven’t yet been expressed and released. When 14 fresh members of the family arrive, a child feels more hopeful, and more sensitive to every small thing that happens. Coupled with their heightened sensitivity is the effort and distraction that comes with the family gathering package for the adults involved. There are people you really want to connect with, food to prepare, appearances to keep up, old issues to either sit on or tiptoe around, and all the work and hassle of getting there in the first place. This scatters parents’ attention. Children become frantic because they depend, moment by moment, on our awareness of them and how they are doing. When they see that we’re preoccupied, it can trigger an emotional or behavioral emergency.
You can help.
Give up false hopes that tension will disappear.It helps immensely to be prepared. Just as you are in the habit of preparing yourself for the quirks in your relatives’ behavior, you can prepare to handle your child’s meltdown. When you see that things are getting tense, you can move TOWARD the tension, instead of away from it. (You set yourself up for disappointment every time you think, “Maybe this time, he’ll calm down all by himself.”) Take charge.
It helps immensely to be prepared. Just as you are in the habit of preparing yourself for the quirks in your relatives’ behavior, you can prepare to handle your child’s meltdown. When you see that things are getting tense, you can move TOWARD the tension, instead of away from it. (You set yourself up for disappointment every time you think, “Maybe this time, he’ll calm down all by himself.”) Take charge.
Move toward a child who’s on the edge of upset.
You can move toward a tense child to play with him for 5 or 10 minutes before leaving for Grandma’s, eliciting as much laughter as you can (without tickling). This play will help him to feel more connected to you, and to bolster his sense that life is good. Or you can gently but firmly set a limit if his behavior has already gone off track. After you set the limit, stay with him and gently assist him to release the upset through crying or tantrums. Hold the limit and, at the same time, love the child.
It helps immensely to be prepared. Just as you are in the habit of preparing yourself for the quirks in your relatives’ behavior, you can prepare to handle your child’s meltdown. When you see that things are getting tense, you can move TOWARD the tension, instead of away from it. (You set yourself up for disappointment every time you think, “Maybe this time, he’ll calm down all by himself.”) Take charge.It helps immensely to be prepared. Just as you are in the habit of preparing yourself for the quirks in your relatives’ behavior, you can prepare to handle your child’s meltdown. When you see that things are getting tense, you can move TOWARD the tension, instead of away from it. (You set yourself up for disappointment every time you think, “Maybe this time, he’ll calm down all by himself.”) Take charge.You can move a tense child to play with him for 5 or 10 minutes before leaving for Grandma’s, eliciting as much laughter as you can (without tickling). This play will help him to feel more connected to you, and to bolster his sense that life is good. Or you can gently but firmly set a limit if his behavior has already gone off track. After you set the limit, stay with him and gently assist him to release the upset through crying or tantrums. Hold the limit and, at the same time, love the child.
Listening dissolves the upset.
What children need is simple. They need the chance to have a good cry, express their disappointment, have the tantrum that’s been brewing, or laugh a good while. When they’re done, they can feel your love, notice the needs of the people around them, and show their genius for loving and living life well. Children’s need to cry is as wholesome as their need for sleep—crying is one of the things that keeps their minds in good working order. We call this strategy of listening until the feelings are gone “Staylistening.” Children usually perk up and have a wonderful time after they’ve had the warm attention of an adult through a good cry or tantrum.
Children don’t cry to embarrass or manipulate their parents. They cry to offload bad feelings so they can feel better again. When their meltdown happens in public, it often means that life has been going so fast in private that they couldn’t find a way to refuel with your attention there.
Think ahead to counter criticism from other adults.
When others criticize your child for his or her outburst (which is, unfortunately, something you can also depend upon) you don’t need to cater to their worry or disapproval of you and your child. Think ahead of time about what you want to say. “Well, at least he’s doing a good job of getting this out! We’ll go into the back room so you don’t all have to listen to it.” Or, “She’s been needing me to listen to her all day!” Or, “This will be over in a little while. Save some pie for us!”
You may even want to clue relatives in on your new strategy ahead of time. “You know, Roxie has been a little sensitive lately. She’ll probably find a reason to cry before we even sit down to dinner. I’m going to listen to her rather than scold her this time, and see how it works. If she starts in, we’ll go to the bedroom till she feels better. I’ve been told that connecting with her will help her get through this stage faster…”
Holidays, birthdays and other family events intensify all of our hopes for closeness with each other. When children’s feelings erupt, they’re saying, “I can’t feel loved or satisfied right now–please help!” The love we’re working so hard to show them can seep directly into their hearts as we listen to them cry or tantrum about some detail of how life isn’t right for them. They want us close while they tell us how bad it feels. Fixing the situation can almost always be done after the feelings are over, and your willingness to listen and care has been delivered and received.
Part of this column was based on material from of Patty Wipfler’s article: Holidays and Meltdowns You can find more information about doing “Special Time” with your child in the NAPPA Gold Award winning series, “Listening to Children”, by Patty Wipfler, available here
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