Working with School-Age Children: Promoting Friendship (continued)

Set clear rules for appropriate behavior.

Children learn social skills in part through rules about how to treat others. For example, they learn how to share toys and settle arguments without hitting.

Involve the children in setting the group's rules. As your group makes its rules, keep a couple of guidelines in mind. First, limit the number of rules. Have just enough to make it clear how people and property should be treated. To limit the number, do not make a rule for every action. Instead, make a general rule that covers several actions. For example, instead of making the separate rules "no name calling" and "no teasing," make the rule "respect each other."

Also, state rules positively. Rules need to tell the children more than what not to do--they need to tell them what to do instead. For example, instead of "no hitting or kicking," state the rule as "keep your hands to yourself."

As your group makes its rules, discuss what each one means. Have the children give you examples of behaviors covered by each one.

When the children are involved in making their rules, they will not only be more likely to follow them, but they will also better understand the reasons for the rules and the standards for appropriate behavior.

When you need to apply consequences for breaking a rule, remember that children will imitate your actions. How you treat a child when he breaks a rule will influence how he responds to others. Avoid being harsh and punitive. Instead, be firm, kind, and respectful when you express your expectations of him.

Teach children how to solve conflicts.

Many times children try to settle conflicts inappropriately because they do not have the necessary social skills. Being able to work out conflicts is an important skill in getting along with others. Depending on the circumstances in which you work with children, you might want to teach the whole group how to solve conflicts or coach children through it as the need arises.

When children talk to you about how they are feeling, listen. Show you are listening by reflecting what they say. For example, say, "Justin, it sounds like you're mad at Jamie. Jamie, it sounds like you are mad, too." Then, gently coach the children in solving their conflict. First, help the children identify the situation. For example, say, "Justin, it sounds like you're upset because Jamie didn't include you in the game. Jamie, it sounds like you didn't want to interrupt the game right when Justin asked." Then help them brainstorm solutions to the situation. Talk about the solutions they come up with. Which solutions works for both of them? If both agree on a safe solution, let them use it.

In general, try to avoid getting involved in children's conflicts. If you overhear children having a conflict, let them work it out on their own. Only step in if it is really necessary, if, for example, an argument is getting physical.

Help children develop empathy.

Around the age of six or seven, children are more able to understand others' feelings and points of view. Help children develop this ability by talking about different situations. For example, when children talk to you about a situation at school or a situation they hear about on the news, ask how they think the people felt and why they acted as they did. When dealing with conflict among the children you work with, ask them to describe the others' feelings and points of view.