Parenting Solutions: Bullied

The Change to Parent For

Your child learns to defend himself, feels safer and more confident, and is less likely to be targeted by a bully.

Question: "There is a neighborhood boy who constantly bullies my son. Is there anything I can do so my child isn't always victimized?"

Answer: Although we can't protect our kids against cruel-hearted kids, we can lessen the likelihood that they will be victimized. The first step is to teach your son an important secret: bullies want power, and they are looking for a reaction. If you look upset, the bully wins—and once he does, he is also more likely to repeat his cruel tactics. Once your child knows that secret, help him practice giving a "cool, unfazed" look he can use with his tormentor.

Why Change?

If your child is bullied, it means that peers are intentionally causing him pain. Reports confirm that bullying is starting at younger ages and is more frequent and aggressive than ever before. What's more, one study showed that those who bullied or were bullied were more likely to be involved in violent behavior.³ Bottom line: bullying behavior must be taken very seriously whether your child is the victim or the perpetrator. (See also Bullying, p. 332.)

A bully can "attack" his victim verbally (spreading rumors, saying prejudicial comments, delivering cruel remarks, making sexual comments or gestures); physically (hitting, slamming); emotionally (excluding, humiliating, threatening, extorting, hazing); and electronically (through cell phone, text messaging, e-mail, or Web site). Actual bullying rates differ according to the study or source. One study estimates that almost one in three American schoolchildren is either a bully or a victim;⁵ Another study found that one out of every four children will be bullied by another youth in school this month.⁶ Research has found that 160,000 children a day skip school because they fear being attacked or intimidated by other students.⁷ One fact is clear: bullying is an ongoing problem, and chances are that your child will be bullied.

Late-Breaking News

University of Minnesota: Tune in more closely to your child. Please. Repeated bullying causes severe emotional harm and erodes your child's fragile self-esteem.¹⁰ Boys and girls are bullied differently: girls are more likely to be victims of emotional and verbal bullying; boys are usually bullied with physical harm or threat. But whether the bullying is verbal, physical, or relational, the long-term effects are equally harmful. Both boys and girls have reported high levels of emotional distress and loneliness as well as lower self-esteem, anxiety, and depression.¹¹

University of Warwick: Late-breaking research also finds that girls victimized by bullies (including being beaten and suffering physical or verbal threats) at six years of age are significantly more likely to remain victims at age ten.¹²

Both studies caution parents to keep a watchful eye on their children and take bullying seriously.

Pay Attention to This!

Should You Contact a Bully's Parent?

A national PTA survey found that only one-fourth of parents support contacting other parents to deal with bullying.⁴ A bully's parent usually denies that her kid is guilty and may blame your child, as well as feel that you are criticizing her parenting. You may need to get an objective outsider, such as a principal or day-care supervisor, to mediate. A diplomatic "I'm concerned about the relationship between our kids" may be your best opener. And if you get a call accusing your kid, listen. He just may be less innocent than you think.

Make no mistake: those cruel, aggressive habits are learned and should never be tolerated. What's more, a new report finds that bullying tops the list of school troubles and that many students say talking with their parents does little to ease the stress.⁸ Although you can't always be there to step in and protect your child, there are ways to help your son or daughter be less likely to be victimized in the first place. This entry provides solutions to offer your child.

One Simple Solution

Help Your Child Create a PLAN to Be Less Likely to Be Bullied

Teach your child the acronym PLAN and its four parts to keep him safer from bullies or injury.

P – Pal up. Hang out with a large group; stay with one companion or find someone who is older or bigger who can help look out for you.

L – Let an adult know. Talk to someone you trust and seek that person out if you don't feel safe.

A – Avoid "hot spots." Stay away from areas where bullying is more likely to happen (bathrooms, the back of the bus, far corners of a playground, under stairwells).

N – Notice your surroundings. If you think there could be trouble, leave that spot. Take a different route, but don't go off alone.

Signs and Symptoms

Here are a warning signs that a child may be bullied and needs your support. If your child complains of being taunted, picked on, or threatened by peers, please take him seriously. Unfortunately, however, chances are that if your child is bullied, he won't tell you, so watch for changes in your child's typical behavior.

• Can't explain physical marks, cuts, bruises and scrapes, or torn clothing
• Can't explain loss of toys, school supplies, clothing, lunches, or money
• Fears being left alone; doesn't want to go to school; is afraid of riding the school bus; wants you there at dismissal; is suddenly clingy
• Is suddenly sullen, withdrawn, evasive; remarks about feeling lonely
• Undergoes marked change in typical behavior or personality
• Has physical complaints: headaches, stomachaches, frequent visits to the school nurse's office
• Has difficulty sleeping, nightmares; cries self to sleep; wets the bed
• Begins bullying siblings or younger kids
• Waits to get home to use the bathroom
• Eats ravenously when he comes home (lunch money or lunch may be stolen)
• Experiences sudden and significant drop in grades; has difficulty focusing and concentrating

The Solution

Step 1. Early Intervention

• Start the talk now! Children who are embarrassed or humiliated about being bullied are unlikely to discuss it with their parents or teachers and generally suffer in silence, withdraw, and try to stay away from school.⁹ So start talking to your child about bullying before it ever happens. Tell your child you are always available and that you recognize that it's a growing problem. Notice when other children are reported to be bullied in your child's circle of friends and acquaintances or when there's an example in the media or on TV, and use it as an occasion to bring up the subject.
• Stop rescuing. If you want your child to stick up for himself, then don't be so quick to step in and solve his problems or speak for him. Children need practice to speak up and be assertive so that when the moment comes that they do need to stand up to a bully, they can. Always rescuing can create the conditions under which a child can become a victim of bullying.
• Have him avoid areas where bullies prey. Bullying usually happens in unsupervised areas, such as hallways, stairwells, playgrounds (under trees and equipment, in far corners), lockers, parks, and bathrooms (in malls, schools, parks, and even libraries). In fact, a nationwide survey found that 43 percent of children said they were afraid to use the school bathroom for fear of being harassed.¹³ Familiarize your child with "hot spots" (places most likely to be frequently by bullies) and tell him to avoid those areas.
• Encourage him to find a supportive companion. Tell your child there is sometimes safety in numbers. Kids who have even one friend to confide in can deal with bullying better than those on their own. Is there one kid your child can pair up with?

Step 2. Rapid Response

• Take your child seriously. One of the biggest parenting mistakes is to not take our kids seriously when they report bullying episodes. So reassure your child that you believe him, thank him for coming to you, and stress that you will find a way to keep him safe. Research finds that 49 percent of kids say they've been bullied at least once or twice during the school term, but only 32 percent of their parents believed them.¹⁴ In one survey, eight- to eleven-year-olds whose parents said they discussed their bullying troubles reported that those talks were infrequent and not very memorable; half the kids didn't remember the talk at all (that's despite 74 percent saying teasing and bullying occur at their school).¹⁵
• Determine if it's bullying. Bullying is always intentional and mean-spirited; it rarely happens only once, and there is always a power imbalance. The victim cannot hold his own. It is not the same as teasing: bullying involves a higher level of threat and abuse. First establish that this is indeed bullying so that you can respond in the appropriate way. You might ask:

"Was it an accident, or did he hurt you on purpose?"

"Did you do or say anything first to upset him?"

"Did she mean to be mean?"

"Did he do it more than once?"

"Did he know that he was hurting you?"

"Did she care that you were sad or angry?"

"Did you tell her to stop?"

"Did he listen?"

If your child is unsure if this is really bullying, encourage him to talk with witnesses to get their take.

• Get to the bottom of anything suspicious. Kids often don't tell adults they're bullied; you may have to voice your concerns. Review the signs of bullying listed earlier and then ask direct questions. "You're always hungry: have you been eating your lunch?" "Your CDs are missing. Did someone take them?" "Your jacket is ripped. Did someone do that to you?"
• Gather facts. Next, you need all the facts so you can help your kid create a plan to stop the bullying:

"What happened?"

"Who did this?"

"Where were you?"

"Who was there?"

"Were you alone?"

"Has it happened before? How often?"

"How does it start?"

"What did you do?"

"Do you think he'll do it again?"

"Did anyone help you?"

"Did an adult see this? Did the adult help?"

• Offer specific tips for a plan of action. Most kids can't handle bullying on their own; they need your help, so provide a specific plan. For instance, if bullying is happening on the bus, tell your child to sit behind the bus driver on the left side of the bus (the worst place to sit is near the back on the right-hand side where the driver can't see the passengers in the mirror). You could ask an older kid to "watch out" for your child, or offer to pick your child up from school.
• Identify a trusting adult. Find an adult who can help your child when you're not around. It must be someone who'll take this seriously, protect your child, and, if necessary, keep this confidential. It could be a secretary, teacher, neighbor, school nurse, bus driver, or even the custodian—anyone your child trusts. Tweens are far less likely to seek help. This is also the time bullying can be most intense, and the victim feels trapped and isolated.
• Don't make promises. You may have to protect your child, so make no promises to keep things confidential. "I want to make sure you don't get hurt, so I can't guarantee I won't tell. Let's see what we can do so that this doesn't happen again."

Step 3. Develop Habits for Change

The final step is to teach your child new habits so that he learns to assert himself safely and make it less likely that he'll be targeted in the future. Here are bullyproofing strategies every child should know:

• Don't look like a victim. Kids with an assertive posture are less likely to be picked on. Stress to your child that he should stand tall and hold his head up to appear more confident and less vulnerable.
• Stay calm and do not react. Bullies love power and knowing they can push other kids' buttons, so tell your child to stay calm and try not to let his tormentor know he upset him. Stress to your child never to cry or to insult or threaten a bully—the bully will only escalate things. It sometimes helps a younger child to pretend to wear a special bullyproof vest that bounces the taunts off and helps him not look afraid.
• Say no using a firm voice. Stress to your child that if he needs to respond, simple direct commands work best, delivered in a strong, determined voice: "No." "Cut it out." "No way." "Stop." "Back off." Then he should walk away with shoulders held back. Pleading ("Please stop that") or feeling-laden messages ("It really makes feel mad when you do that") rarely work. Once your child agrees on a strategy, you must rehearse it with him until he feels confident enough to use it alone. A big part of success is the ability to deliver comebacks assertively with the right tone. (See Teased, p. 415, for more comebacks for verbal bullying.)
• Use a stone-faced glare. Have your child practice using a mean stare that goes straight through the bully so that he seems in control and not bothered.
• Leave the scene. Stress that your child should leave the scene as soon as possible. Ideally he should walk toward other kids or an adult. Tell him not to look back, get help if he needs to, and fight only as a very last resort if he must defend yourself.
• Boost self-confidence. Research finds that arming your child with confidence is one of the best defenses against bullying.¹⁶ Kids who lack confidence are more likely to be victimized. A few self-confidence boosters include learning martial arts, boxing, or weightlifting; finding an avenue—such as a hobby, interest, sport, or talent—that he enjoys and in which he can excel; and giving him opportunities to solve his problems and speak up for himself.

What To Expect By Stages And Ages

Preschooler   This is the age bullying behaviors are first adopted because kids learn that the behaviors work as a means of getting their way. Bullying is mostly physical (biting, pinching, kicking, or shoving) and usually not intentional (the true definition of bullying). Aggression is mostly due to impulsivity and the inability to regulate emotions. Do not allow aggressive behavior or cruelty.

School Age   Direct bullying seems to increase through the elementary school years.¹⁸ Verbal bullying (saying mean comments, put-downs, and taunts) is prevalent. Physical bullying continues with younger kids. Around fourth grade, social exclusion (leaving kids out and knowingly hurting their feelings) begins. New research shows that more cross-gender bullying (in particular, unpopular boys bullying popular girls) happens in the fourth to sixth grades than previously thought.¹⁹

Tween   Bullying peaks during these years and is also the most prevalent among sixth to eighth graders.²⁰ The average middle school student experiences at least one verbal harassment per day.²¹ Relational aggression, rumor spreading, and emotional bullying are common among girls. Electronic bullying (via text, instant messaging, pagers, cell phones, Web sites, social networking sites, and e-mails) also begins, as well as sexual harassment. Forty percent of fifth through eighth graders say they've been sexually harassed by peers (mostly boys).²²

Pay Attention to This!

Eight Things to Do If Bullying Escalates and Becomes More Serious

Research shows that bullying is escalating¹⁷ and that bullies are more likely these days to be aggressive and possibly carrying a weapon. Here are things to do if your previous efforts fail and bullying intensifies.

1. Be ready to advocate. If there's ever the possibility your child could be injured—step in.
2. Notify authorities and gather support. Tell those directly responsible for your child (his teacher, coach, pediatrician, day-care worker). A multidisciplinary approach in which all the adults in your child's life are involved in finding a solution is best. Do talk to the school nurse: victims often go to the nurse's office complaining of physical problems as an escape.
3. Keep records. You may need proof, so keep such evidence as torn clothing; threatening e-mails; and witnesses' names, phone numbers, and details.
4. Demand confidentiality. You don't want retaliation, so limit the number of people you tell wherever possible.
5. Expect protection. Get specifics: "What will you do to ensure my child's safety?" If you do not get support, go up a level: call the principal, superintendent, school board, or the police.
6. Ensure there is no face-to-face contact. Distance your child from the bully: class, lunch, bus, team. Ideally the bully should not come within a certain number of feet of your child.
7. Be prepared for resistance. Don't be surprised if you are told to "toughen your kid up."
8. Be vigilant. You may need to change classes, teams, or even schools to protect your kid.

One Parent's Answer

A mom from Nashville writes:

Once I knew my son was being bullied, I started talking to other parents and found out bullying was prevalent not only in the school but also in our town. A few of us started a "Neighborhood Watch" group and designated "safe houses" for our kids to go to after school. Then we created a parent group to discuss our concerns with educators and enlisted the help of the PTA. It took a group of us to stand together to get bullying under control, but we did it.

More Helpful Advice

Bullies and Victims: Helping Your Child Through the Schoolyard Battlefield, by SuEllen and Paula Fried

Facing the Schoolyard Bully: How to Raise an Assertive Child in an Aggressive World, by Kim Zarzour

Girl War: 12 Strategies That Will End Female Bullying, by Cheryl Dellasega and Charisse Nixon

The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander, by Barbara Coloroso

Your Child: Bully or Victim? Understanding and Ending Schoolyard Tyranny, by Peter Sheras