Parenting Solutions: Bullying

The Change to Parent For

Your child learns to be more sensitive to another's feelings, recognizes that aggression is not the way to resolve problems, takes responsibility for hurting others, and tries to make amends.

Question: "My son's teacher says he bullies a classmate by saying cruel things, deliberately slamming or tripping him. He denies being mean, and says the other kid is just a 'wimp' and deserves it. My husband says this is just a phase and a 'boy thing.' Do I believe my husband or the teacher?"

Answer: Bullying is cruelty and always contains these four elements:

1. It is an aggressive act that is usually repeated.
2. The bully has more power (strength, status, size) than the victim, who cannot hold his own.
3. The hurtful behavior is not an accident, but intentional. The bully usually seems to enjoy seeing the victim in distress.
4. The bully rarely accepts responsibility and often says the victim "deserved" the hurtful treatment.

Take the teacher's word and work with her to develop a full-blown plan to stop your child's bullying ASAP. Bullying should never be considered "just a phase" or a "boy thing." There is never an excuse for cruelty.

Why Change?

Bullying is a learned behavior that is on the rise. What's more, it is far more intense and occurs more frequently and at younger ages than in years past. The U.S. National School Safety Center warns that bullying has become the most enduring and underrated problem in American schools."²³ One recent study prepared for the American Psychological Association showed that 80 percent of middle school students admitted to bullying behavior in the prior thirty days.²⁴ Another survey found that 40 percent of nine- to thirteen-year-olds admitted to bullying.²⁵ Bullying has become so serious that some school-age victims have died from the savage beatings or committed suicide (called bullycide as a result of bullying and depression).

Today's bully is far from the stereotyped image of the "bad kid down the block." A bully may be male or female, a preschooler or teen, rich or poor, urban or rural. One study of 452 fourth- through sixth-grade boys from a variety of backgrounds found that bullies are often self-assured kids who are surprisingly intelligent and sociable, and are frequently rated "most popular" by classmates (or are just as likely to be disruptive and hyperactive).²⁶

No matter the age, gender, religion, or ethnicity, any child resorting to bullying needs an immediate behavior intervention. Do not make the mistake of thinking this is just "a phase" or a boys' rite of passage. One study found that nearly 60 percent of males who were identified as chronic bullies in middle school had at least one criminal conviction by the age of twenty-four.²⁷ The consequences of letting this go unheeded are disastrous to your child's character and conscience. The good news is that because bullying is a learned behavior, it can also be unlearned.

Late-Breaking News

Types of Parenting That Encourage Bullying

University of Norway: Dan Olweus, a foremost authority on bullying, identified four factors most likely to encourage bullying behavior.²⁸ Could any of these be an issue in your home?

• Lack of parental warmth and involvement
• Permissive or "tolerant" attitude toward the child's abusive behavior; no clear limits set on the child's bullying
• Use of physical punishment or emotional outbursts when disciplining the child
• Parenting style that does not match the child's natural temperament (which may be more aggressive, impulsive, and quick to anger)

Signs and Symptoms

Look for repeated and intentional patterns of verbal, emotional, or physical aggression:

• Excludes or shuns another child
• Taunts, intimidates, or harasses
• Spreads vicious rumors verbally or electronically that hurt or ruin another's reputation
• Is physically aggressive (hits, punches, kicks, slams, chokes) or threatens with force or fear
• Damages another child's property or clothing
• Takes pleasure in seeing a child (or animal) in distress; is unconcerned if someone is upset
• Finds it difficult to see a situation from the other person's point of view
• Refuses to accept responsibility or denies wrongdoing when evidence shows guilt
• Blames the victim or says the child "deserved what he got"
• Targets those who are weaker or younger, or animals

The Solution

Step 1. Early Intervention

• Identify the reason. Your first step is to determine why your child is using this behavior. One survey of over twenty thousand kids found that the top reasons eight- to twelve-year-olds give for bullying are "They annoyed me" or "To get even."²⁹ Here are other possibilities. Please check those that apply to your child or situation:
  •  Permissive caregivers. Bullying is excused as a "boys will be boys" rite of passage; the child recognizes that there are few or no behavior limits and that he can get away with it; adults turn a blind eye to the behavior.
  • Authoritarian caregivers. The child has been exposed to overly harsh discipline; upbringing has been too rigid or strict; parents give only "conditional" love.
  • Lack of self-esteem. The child has an exaggerated need for attention or respect.
  • Feelings of powerlessness. Aggression is used to gain rank, attention, or power, or to show "toughness."
  • Underdeveloped empathy. Empathy is not encouraged or nurtured at home; the child has experienced early trauma or depression that may inhibit the development of empathy.
  • For fun. The child sees bullying as a "game," is bored, and enjoys seeing another upset.
  • Aggressive pals. The child hangs with a group who believes it's cool to be cruel.
  • Desire for friends. The child lacks social skills, feels rejected or isolated by peers, and is trying to fit in.
  • Poor coping skills. The child is impulsive, unable to control anger; he tends to "act out."
  • Revenge. The child is getting back or getting even, is picked on or bullied by others.
  • Media overexposure. The child watches television shows, movies, and video or computer games that glamorize aggression and cruelty, and the exposure affects his behavior and attitude.
• Take reports seriously. It's not easy to hear negative things about your child, but don't dismiss or excuse any report that your child is bullying. ("He has friends." "She's a model student.") One study shows that some of the most popular kids in school and even those in leadership roles display antisocial behaviors.³⁰ Catching an aggressive behavior early is the best way to stop it. So ask the source for further details. Monitor your child a bit more closely. Watch for signs of bullying and then respond ASAP if you suspect that those reports have validity. University of Michigan psychologist Leonard Eron tracked more than eight hundred eight-year-olds over four decades and singled out the 25 percent who often showed bullying behavior. By age thirty, one in four had an arrest record, whereas only 5 percent of the nonaggressive children did.³¹
• Monitor media consumption. The American Academy of Pediatrics and five other prominent medical groups have stated that "viewing entertainment violence can lead to increases in aggressive attitudes, values, and behavior, particularly in children."³² The American Psychological Association warns that "more than four decades of research have revealed that TV violence has a strong influence on the aggressive behavior of children and adults. Exposure to violent media increases feelings of hostility, thoughts about aggression, suspicions about the motives of others and demonstrates violence as a method to deal with conflict."³³ So watch your child's behavior. Does he become more aggressive after playing certain video games or watching particular movies or television shows espousing the view that aggression is acceptable? If so, set clear limits on your child's viewing habits and then enforce those limits.
• Model empathy. Consciously model kinder, gentler behaviors for your child to copy. And make sure the kids and adults your child hangs around are those who are appropriate models as well. Studies conclusively reveal that kids learn aggressive behaviors by watching others. Research also shows that when parents are empathic, their kids are more likely to become empathic themselves, just because those behaviors have been modeled for them.³⁴
• Get dad involved. Kids whose dads were positively involved in their care when they were age five were found thirty years later to be more empathic, sensitive adults than those whose fathers were absent.³⁵ Involved dads can make a major contribution to raising sensitive kids, so get those males involved! And research shows that many bullies come from homes where dads are aggressive or uninvolved. If this describes your child, seek out strong male role models who can connect with and care about your son, including an uncle, cousin, stepdad, or even Big Brother.

Step 2. Rapid Response

Responses for a First-Time Bullying Offense

• Step in ASAP. The minute you see or hear that your child is involved in bullylike behavior, step in. Stay calm so as not to escalate the situation. Remove your child immediately from the situation (or as soon as convenient). Then sit down with your child and in a serious and firm tone call the behavior for what it is (bullying), describe the action, and explain why it is wrong.
• Review your expectations. Voice your strong objections to your child's behavior. One survey of 5,548 students asked "What stops children from bullying?" The top answer: "If the child knew their parents disapproved and how their mom and dad would think about them if they bullied someone."³⁶ On average, the kids said they cared as much about their parents' judgments as they did about those of their peers. That feeling of shame can be a strong motivational force. So clearly lay down your rules: "In this house you are always to be kind to others." "You will not treat another person cruelly."
• Listen carefully to your child. Now get your child's take on the situation. Your role is to try to discover what might be bothering your child or triggering this behavior so that you can help. So listen carefully and try to gather facts. For instance: Was he falsely accused, or could he be the victim of bullying himself? Was he trying to protect himself? Is this the only way he can figure out how to find a friend? Then dig deeper. Where and when did this happen? What started it? Which kids were involved? How frequently does this happen? Were there any adult witnesses? Those details will help you piece together what is going on to help prevent a reoccurrence. Also keep in mind that bullies often deny their actions or blame the other kid. You may need to call witnesses to help you get the most accurate picture.
• Create a positive solution. Once you determine what prompted the offense (he uses aggression to make friends, protect himself, for revenge, to try to look cool), your next step is to work together to try to create a solution. The objective isn't to let your child off the hook, but to develop alternatives so the bullying won't happen again. Here are two examples:

Problem: He bullies to seek power and find friends. Solution: Find other social avenues where your child can make a new friend; teach him friendship-making skills to boost his social competence. (See Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me, by yours truly.)

Problem: He bullies due to inability to control anger. Solution: Teach specific anger management strategies. (See Angry, p. 232.)

• Enforce a consequence. Even as you respond supportively to your child, you also can't let him think he can get away with abusive behavior. Insist that your child be held responsible for any aggressive or hurtful action. If he doesn't have a suggestion for a reasonable consequence, then you can state one that "fits the crime." If your daughter sends a cruel text message to a friend, she loses her cell phone privilege. If your son gets other kids to gang up on a classmate, he forgoes the next playdate. If your daughter spread vicious rumors about a peer, she is prohibited from the upcoming sleepover. If your child has taunted another child, insist that he do some kind of charitable deed, such as spend a Saturday afternoon helping out at a soup kitchen. Whatever the consequence, don't let him off the hook. Warning: do not use physical punishment for a bullying offense. It only reinforces the idea that aggression is the way to get others to respond.
• Require restitution. Your child should also be required to make amends for the hurt he caused. Doing so will help him realize that even though he can't take away the victim's pain, he will be required to do something to make amends. He could offer a sincere apology, pay for any physical loss he may have inflicted, or repair or replace any broken property. You might start by asking your child what he plans to do to make amends to the victim. You should speak to the victim's parents and explain the situation and that your child would like to apologize. If you go to the victim's home to do so, it is best that you accompany your child. Bullying can make a victim emotionally distraught and fearful, and face-to-face contact with a bully (even if it is your child) can be intimidating. Remember, this is not a simple "argument" between two kids, nor is this the "victim's problem." Bullying always involves a power imbalance in which the victim cannot hold his own. In a particularly egregious bullying offense, know that an interaction with all parties could get tense. So determine whether the apology is best made face-to-face, on the phone, via letter, or even with a mediator present.
• Review your expectations repeatedly. Don't expect your one-time lecture to make a lasting change in your child's behavior. Be vigilant and continue to review your expectations with your child that bullying is not acceptable in your family or in society. It may help to remind your child prior to a social encounter: "Jason is coming over. I expect you to be kind, or I will have to tell him that you can't play." "I expect you to be nice and to include all the girls when you go to Haley's house."

Responses for More Severe or Repeated Bullying

• Monitor your child more closely. Let your child know you will supervise him with other kids when you're around or check on his actions outside your home. If he is bullying a particular child, set an "Off -Limits" Policy: your child is not to be within twenty-five feet of that child. (For a younger child, use a visual reference, such as the length of a room.) No excuses allowed. For example, forbid your child from playing with a friend until he understands he must treat others kindly. If you need to have another adult supervise your child, do so.
• Have a conference with caregivers. Explain to your child that you will talk with all relevant caregivers (teacher, coach, babysitter) to ensure that everyone is on the same behavior plan. Then set up an appointment within the next few days. You and your child should attend the conference together so that everyone is on the same page. At that meeting, listen carefully to the teacher's take on the situation, as well as your child's perspective. Then develop a plan to help defuse the aggressive behavior and find positive alternatives.
• Seek professional help. If your child's bullying does not gradually improve or if it increases, request a meeting with the school psychologist for a more thorough behavioral and psychological evaluation of your child. If you can't find this kind of help at your school, seek a trained mental health professional in the community. Your child's pediatrician should have a list of references. Your goal is to find someone who can create a behavior plan to stop the aggressive behaviors as well as help your child develop new habits for change.

Step 3. Develop Habits for Change

One big part of your helping your child change is to figure out why your child is resorting to bullying behavior, and then teach new habits to replace inappropriate ones. Here are a few habits to teach, but choose ones that apply to your child and situation:

• Teach friendship skills. If you suspect your child is bullying because he doesn't know how to make or keep friends, then watch him a bit more closely (without his knowing you are doing so) to identify the particular friendship skills he needs to learn. For instance: how to start a conversation, lose gracefully, ask permission, or solve problems peacefully. (See Argues, p. 46.) Then target and teach one new skill at a time by showing your child the new strategy and then practicing it with him until your child can use it alone. (See Rejected, p. 381.)
• Check for aggressive "friends." Is your child picking up on this behavior by mimicking other children? Bullying is a learned behavior, so watch to see who your kid pals around with. Also, check out the day-care center, sports teams, or other after-school programs your child is enrolled in. Ask teachers and coaches. If your child is involved with other kids who enjoy exerting their physical or emotional power, then wean your child away from them and help find him a new set of friends. Forbid your child from communicating via phone or computer. (Your carrier can block the child's phone number and e-mail address.) In some cases you may have to change your child's schedule, ask the teacher to move your child's desk, pick him up from school, change his class, or, in a worst-case scenario, change schools or even move. But don't let him associate with kids who abuse others. In the meantime, pursue other social avenues that enable your child to find and make new friends, such as a church group, Boys and Girls Club, scouting, or a sports team. (See Bad Friends, p. 314.)
• Nurture empathy. If your child doesn't recognize or even care that his behavior is causing his victim distress, boost his empathy. (See Insensitive, p. 159.) Here are a few ways to do so:
  • Role-play. Ask him to "switch places" and pretend to be the victim. Then ask, "How would you feel if someone said that about you?" Younger kids can use stuffed animals or puppets to role-play different roles and perspectives.
  • Use stories. Tell or read a story about a child who is victimized. Make it up or look for real examples in the news. "Who do you think is most like you in this story?" "How do you think Sara felt when Jake told his friends those lies about her?"
  • Have him tutor a younger child. Have your child teach a younger child (a cousin, next-door neighbor, your friend's child) a skill or subject he excels in.
  • Use children's literature or movies. Read books or watch movies laced with compassion, such as Dumbo, The Velveteen Rabbit, Stone Fox, Charlotte's Web, The Hundred Dresses, The Secret Garden, or The Diary of Anne Frank.
  • Label emotions. Talk about feelings and point out the emotions of people in distress.
  • Reinforce caring acts. Acknowledge your child's kind acts so that he'll be more likely to repeat the action: "Jack, that was so kind of you to tell Peter you're sorry his grandpa is ill. It really made him feel better."
  • Find ways to "do good." Consider doing community service as a family. Food drives, picking up trash in the park, painting shelters for battered women, serving meals at homeless shelters, or delivering meals to sick and elderly folks who are housebound are just a few options.
• Find healthy ways to reroute aggression. Does your child have a surplus of energy that often is acted out? Then offer a positive alternative to channel his aggression, such as karate, boxing, swimming, Jazzercise, weightlifting, soccer, football, or the marching band. The goal is to find a physical outlet for your kid to direct his strength and also be praised for his effort. Also make sure you teach strategies to help control his anger. (See Angry, p. 232.)

What To Expect By Stages And Ages

Preschooler   At this age, bullying is more likely to be physical, such hitting, biting, pinching, poking, and tripping. Although bullying at this age is usually not intentional, it can become a habit if it is allowed to continue. Preschoolers are egocentric by nature, so expect difficulty getting them to consider the feelings and needs of others.

School Age   Bullying increases during the school-age years; verbal insults and putdowns become prevalent. Social exclusion and leaving other kids out become issues around fourth grade.

Tween   Bullying peaks in eleven- to-twelve-year olds, and it becomes more covert; these are the ages when kids tend to blame the victim.³⁷ Girls are more prone to use "relational cruelty": deliberately excluding, shunning another girl, or spreading vicious rumors.

One Parent's Answer

A mom from Reno shares:

It took a while for me to acknowledge that my child was a bully. But when I realized Jacob never owned up to the hurt he caused, it was my "Enough!" moment. I started demanding that he apologize to anyone he had bullied—and sincerely. I insisted that he apologize face-to-face, call and say he was sorry, or offer to do something to try and make up for the cruel act. Once he knew I wasn't going to allow him to get away with his meanness, he started turning the corner and taking responsibility for his actions.

More Helpful Advice

Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essential Virtues That Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing, by Michele Borba

Bullying at School: What We Know and What We Can Do (Understanding Children's Worlds), by Dan Olweus

Girl Wars: 12 Strategies That Will End Female Bullying, by Cheryl Dellasega and Charisse Nixon

The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander, by Barbara Coloroso

Your Child: Bully or Victim? Understanding and Ending Schoolyard Tyranny, by Peter Sheras